And I'm Familiar With The Rudeness

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Sergei Dovlatov also remarked once: "From many I heard:" Beneath his feigned rudeness, kindness was hidden … "Why hide it? And even so stubbornly?"

And really - why? I think there is no such person who would not have encountered this phenomenon or himself, at least once, did not pretend to be a pseudo-rude person. I'm not talking about tram and trolleybus rudeness like "Shut your mouth, you fool!" or "I hear from the boor!" Everything is clear there.

Sometimes feigned rudeness is a test of the ability to take a punch: "Where did you hatch such a thing from?" And you wait so cunningly - how will they answer you? But I'm not talking about that either.

And not about teenagers, where everything is also understandable: consider that they are born a second time. Here, not only rude, you will become a monster while you survive this puberty.

I'm talking about the rudeness of the most dear, closest and beloved, mature enough people, when for some reason they hide their true, beautiful feelings that sometimes overwhelm their souls behind the carelessness of words.

Sometimes it is dictated by a conscious desire to get rid of society: the interlocutors will be offended, leave you alone, and you will finally be left alone.

Sometimes she hides a desire to be macho, to match the picture of glossy magazines and the images of fashionable filmmakers.

Photos: Bruce Davidson

Often deliberate brutality hides weakness, vulnerability, mental confusion, timidity and total shyness.

Even more often, unspoken love lurks behind it, the fear of showing it, showing its true feelings, dictated either by distorted ideas about relationships, or by antediluvian prejudices.

Parents are afraid to be gentle with their children, so that they are not spoiled or, God forbid, they are not accused of incestuousness.

Women are rude to their loved ones so that men constantly seek them and not relax.

For men, feigned rudeness helps to keep their beloved under control.

And what is typical, everybody ever gets tired of hiding their feelings, they want to express them beautifully, openly, but fear does not allow. Once, perhaps a long time ago, they burned themselves, revealing their soul and heart. For a long time and those people are not around, and they themselves have grown ten times and survived that situation, but trust in the world has not come.

Most likely, you have seen a post on the Internet about how people say "I love you" in different ways: "Put on your hat, you fool!" ! "…

When I read these confessions, I always remember my dad, I hear his voice, I see in great detail how he says all this, and a worm of resentment and annoyance wakes up in my soul. It turned out to be tenacious, you bastard!

Dad loved me like no one else loved. But I learned about this only from these phrases: "Why are you without socks? Anu lift your dress - you put on leggings? If you don't put on galoshes and felt boots, you won't go anywhere!" And so on and so forth. I obeyed, but a wild resentment arose in my soul: why is he so with me? And at the age of 11-12, having passed the courtyard educational program about sex, I learned that dad is not only dad, but also a man, and I was already ashamed to lift my dress and show my stupid leggings.

And dad confessed everything and confessed his love to me: "Raise your collar! Tie a scarf! And attach mittens to elastic bands - so that you don't lose! If you catch a cold, I won't let you go anywhere else!" And dad didn't care at all that I already felt like a girl, that I'd rather stay at home than trample in those sloppy felt boots with galoshes. With galoshes! To make everyone laugh at me ?! And again insult, tears, anger, bickering …

It was later, when I became terribly literate, that I found out that my dad hid his true feelings behind the feigned rudeness. Dad was never taught to show love. His dad, my grandfather, also showed no tenderness. And dad loved me as best he could. Yes, I felt his love, but with this rudeness of his, a worm of terrible guilt infiltrated me that I was not what my daddy wants to see me, and that is why he is rude to me, and therefore speaks so casually to me. This worm turned out to be so tenacious that no enlightenment, awareness and education can remove it forever. Only you need to negotiate - crawls away, you bastard …

So, people, do not spare your tenderness for those you love. Do not hide it in a rude quilted jacket. No matter how difficult it is for you. Train your openness to the world, to those people who are waiting for your tenderness and affection. Every day, every hour. Overcoming the fear of losing or looking ridiculous. With each of your attempts, it will become less and less, and you will feel what extraordinary power you are filled with. Your respect for your loved ones is much more in demand and stronger. Otherwise, the mask of feigned rudeness will become your essence, and nothing can be done about it.