2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When I hear phrases like: “It hurts me” or “It hurts me” and feel the suffering of another and my own compassion, I still think about something else - what we would be like if it were not for our psychological (and physical) injury?
The history of birth, early childhood, family environment and its problems, peculiarities of parental care and upbringing, as well as various events, both good and bad, shape our personality, making it unique and inimitable. This is not new, but often in the stories of my patients, acquaintances and friends, there is some kind of emotional subtext: “If not for this … etc.), then my life would be different and I would be happier now.
And a rather typical phrase that I say in response: “Then it wouldn't be you”, and with which everyone, as a rule, agrees, is perceived rather on an intellectual level: “Well, yes, I see!”, Without affecting, or affecting only slightly feelings and thoughts. And how difficult it can be for us to unfold the angle! Instead of regret directed to the past, turn your gaze to the present and feel the so often uttered claim “This is what my parents did to me (well, everyone else, of course)!”, Otherwise - not from the point of view of the negative, but from the point of view positive. Not in the sense of bad and good, but as it is done in the art of photography - absence-presence.
It is completely pointless to direct our attention, thoughts and feelings to what we do not have. Because in this way we feed ourselves emptiness and pour the water so necessary for us for life into a barrel that has no bottom.
It is much more useful, from all points of view, to invest, to invest in what we have. Our traumas made us who we are - they are like a sculptor's chisel, carved our souls and bodies, and thus adapted us for life
For example, for quite a long time I thought that I suffered from loneliness, because in childhood I was often left alone. Until I realized that I need it like air! It is it that allows me to do what I can and love: run in the fresh air wherever and whenever I want, work with patients for a long time, learn languages, read, translate, write, compose seminar programs, think and miss friends and loved ones.
How to make this inner turn - to stop picking out old wounds and use them for your own good? As Louise Bourgeois said: “ Forgive in order to forget. I don't want to relive the past. I want to feel the present ».
And here we find ourselves in a zone that is not easy to comprehend and master. In the Zone where the direct path is not the shortest. And we can follow it ourselves, or find a "Stalker" -psychoanalyst. It is significant that the first version of the film almost completely disappeared during development and was re-shot three times - the first two went into negative. Tarkovsky had to follow his own route three times in order to create, represent, the story of the Room in which wishes come true.
But by what - by what processes is this zone outlined, in which it is so easy to get lost?
I would think of three things:
- work of grief - the ability to regret what has been lived, to mourn internally and let go of their losses and failures;
- envy - a feeling that interferes with getting closer to oneself and with people, interferes with asking for help, taking and giving;
- thanks - a very nourishing feeling that fills, enriches and gives a resource for life.
It seems to me that it is the dynamics of these three components that determine our ability to change ourselves and our lives. And I seriously believe that it is much more useful to think that the glass is half full - it allows me to dream and desire what else I can fill it with.
Be healthy and take care of yourself!
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