Requests, Claims And The Ability To Negotiate In A Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

From the dialogues in the psychotherapist's office:

- Have you tried to tell your husband about what is happening to you and ask for help with the children?

- Is he blind, or what, and does not see that I am falling off my feet ?! And I asked two hundred times - and said: "If you don't help with the children, I'll get a divorce!"

Relationships, technically speaking, in form rather than content, consist of a series of interactions. Therefore, with constant communication with someone, communication skills often come to the fore - they may be insufficient, or seriously distort just the very meaning that we would like to convey to the communication partner. In fact, a good communication skill is the ability to sufficiently accurately convey your needs / necessary information to another and / or influence in a certain way, establishing contact or mutual understanding, for changes favorable to both parties (subsequent changes beneficial to only one side are characteristic of manipulation - although some people believe that it is manipulation and the ability to "bend" another, for good or not, that is a sign of brilliant communication skills)

However, no one is usually taught specifically effective communication skills in the process of growing up, so most people use the set of communications that they have learned from childhood, without specifically thinking about how these skills are actually relevant and effective and whether they help to achieve the desired changes in relationships.

One of the most common difficulties is the inability to negotiate directly with your partner. And there are several reasons for this - we will consider each of them separately%

DIFFICULTIES IN INTERACTION ON EQUALS:

LENDING TO MANIPULATE OR SUBSTITUTE A DEMAND WITH A DEMAND

Many people have learned from childhood experience that nothing will come from another person just like that. In this case, cooperation as a relationship strategy may not be available; the main methods are domination "from above" or adjustment "from below" (they can be replaced) - that is, if the partner does not understand "in an amicable way" through flattery or hints or does not want to "save" the unfortunate "victim", then you can go to the policy of "sagging" through aggressive demands, ultimatums, claims with pressure on feelings of guilt or shame. At the same time, an important factor is not taken into account: if the partner gives out the required behavior, and does not get into the conflict out of a desire to defend, then he does this not because of warm feelings and sincere concern for another, but out of the need to avoid destructive or negative experiences, but accumulated tension sooner or later, this relationship will come back to haunt.

Yulia is 37 years old and she is "sitting" with a long-awaited child. The daughter has an excitable psyche and, according to her mother, "takes out all her strength." Julia is an owl, it is difficult for her to get up early, and she complains that her husband does not pick up the child in the morning on weekends:

- Yesterday we again had a skirmish! I am asleep at 8 am I drag my daughter to the bathroom, and he watches TV! No, to jump up and pick up the child, so he also says to me: "Why are you so unhappy?" And I told him: "What do you think, what? Can't you see that I'm half-dead? !!! What, it's hard to tear off my ass and take the child so that I can sleep somehow? !!! And he answered me:" Damn, that's just morning - and some already have claims! "And then - watch TV, can you imagine ?!

- If we take the husband's ideal answer, what would he have to say?

- "My dear girl, now I will take my daughter, and you go to sleep, rest!"

- Why don't you just ask to pick up the child right away?

- Isn't it obvious to him himself ?! Besides, he is a father, this is his child too!

- Your frustration is understandable, but, perhaps, your suffering is really not obvious to him, until you directly inform about it. You are waiting for care, but warm feelings are simply not born in another person in response to statements in an aggressive and accusatory tone.

Ashamed to ask and scary to refuse

Veronica, 24 years old: "In our family, my mother proudly declares:" I don't ask for anything from my children! " me on my brother, and on me - my brother's wife, in short, to those who "roundabout" information., and the scourge of guilt does not let go of his hands.."

If in childhood it was not accepted to talk about feelings, if requests and, in general, any appearance of need was regarded as weakness or was accompanied by humiliation and rejection from significant people, then a person inevitably has difficulties with requests and refusals: and asking is humiliating (this is the discovery of one's own weakness perceived as a "flaw"), and getting rejected is even worse. Manipulation avoids feelings of vulnerability, and an accusatory or demanding attitude makes you feel right rather than helpless or dependent. The payment for such a “win” is the inability to trust another person.

Mariana in the family has always been reproached with money. “Yours is just snot here,” said the mother, taking away the things bought or given to her from the protesting girl. “You eat my bread here,” her father echoed. She worked hard since adolescence and dreamed of a wealthy husband, but chose men who earned no more than herself. She went to therapy with problems to conceive a child - she and her husband were healthy, but "nothing worked." In the process, it turned out that the main fear in connection with pregnancy is the issue of financial security. Maryana was worried that her husband would not be able to provide for them with the child (her husband regularly borrowed money from her), and if he was able to provide, then she would inevitably reproach her that she and the child were "sitting on his neck." "I can't imagine how I will ask him for money! It will be a nightmare, such a humiliation!" - Maryana cried. In the course of psychotherapy it turned out that nothing indicates such possible behavior on the part of her husband - he supported his first wife completely, she never worked, despite the fact that they had no children. She was surprised that her husband was doing well and he was very proud to give her money. She became pregnant while looking for a new job.

WAITING FOR TELEPATHY

"Doesn't she already understand..?", "I expect that he himself will offer", "Is it really difficult to guess.." etc. statements imply that if the communication partner "really" loved and cared, he would have decent telepathic skills and could correctly guess our needs without unnecessary requests.

This is an echo of early childhood, when the "ideal parent" had to grasp the needs and requirements of a child who cannot speak in order to provide him with physical and emotional comfort.

For example, a common complaint from women is that men react aggressively to their tears. "Is it really incomprehensible that you just have to come up and hug, say that everything will be fine! How can you be so insensitive!" - they exclaim. In fact, men are irritated in response to women's tears, as they are used to working out a specific solution to a problem, and not to face emotional outbursts (after all, "men do not cry"), and if their valuable advice does not help (but in fact, these advice even more upset women, who read them as a sign of misunderstanding of their experiences), then men are lost or feel powerless. Both of these emotional states are difficult for a man, so irritation quickly replaces them. In addition, many representatives of the stronger sex on Based on previous experience of relationships with women (and often reasonably), they believe that women's tears are the beginning of manipulation, and they already vaguely feel guilty that a woman is unhappy in their presence. Therefore, if a woman is able to directly orient a man regarding her tears, explaining that this is not about him, he is not to blame for anything, the emotional state will pass, and all that is required from him is support from a series of hugs, caresses, something good to say, then the man most often feels significant relief and can more sensitively react to his girlfriend in upset feelings.

Few people in childhood "got" ideal parents who guess all the important desires and needs, but the hope of compensating for such "gaps" in care from another person does not leave many. However, no one will "feel" us and our experiences as "correctly" as they would like, and an adult acquires a language and a certain independence, not least in order to take care of their needs at their own discretion and neither who in this regard is totally not dependent (by the way, that is why many children want to grow up as soon as possible).

SPECIFIC REQUEST

From the dialogues in the psychotherapist's office:

Wife: I don't feel that he appreciates me as a woman! Nothing romantic suits me!

Husband (confused): What should be done?

Wife: Is it really incomprehensible, I said, you just have to be more romantic, am I asking so much ?!

Therapist: By what signs, actions or deeds can you understand that your husband appreciates you?"

Wife: Well, the flowers are there, the theater, the restaurants … God, it's trivial!

Therapist: Can you do this for your spouse?

Husband: Yes, perhaps …

Therapist: How can you organize this on a permanent basis?

Husband: Probably, set reminders on the phone … for example, once a month for each item …

Wife: But then it will be on schedule! And not just out of a desire to make me suddenly pleasant … This is somehow not real!

Therapist: If you believe in what your husband is now saying - that he is ready to try for your sake - then perhaps you should evaluate his very contribution to your relationship, his willingness to spend time and effort on this, and not devalue such an undertaking because of lack of spontaneity.

The problem of understanding allusions and very vague claims is especially acute in relations between men and women, however, it is not out of place to concretize, for example, relatives who accuse that they “care little” and “do nothing”. It is useful in this case to ask clarifying questions, such as: “What exactly is required of me in terms of care, when, where and in what quantities, in order to estimate what I can do on this issue?” to get an intelligible answer, but they often help to avoid toxic feelings of guilt. In general, the pattern for an adult is simple: the more specifically a request is indicated, the more likely it is to get a practical effect from it.

LACK OF REVIEW IN MATTERS OF UNDERSTANDING

People often, by default, interpret the behavior and words of a communication partner in a certain way, without even trying to check and clarify whether it is correctly understood what he actually meant - and how much it coincides with what it seemed to us.

From the dialogues in the psychotherapist's office:

Evgeniya: We've been married for three years, and then … (sobbing) I found out that he was watching porn!

Mikhail (embarrassed): I've always watched porn. I don't look too much. I never thought it was a problem.

Evgeniya: How ?! How can he watch it ?! He shouldn't!

Therapist: Why shouldn't he?

Evgeniya: I don’t look, I thought he wasn’t looking either!

Psychotherapist: Am I right when I hear that you did not have an agreement, whether to watch porn or not, and who can do it?

Mikhail: No … but I didn't think it would hurt her so much … Do you want to watch together?

Evgeniya (indignantly): Never! What else was missing!

Therapist: Evgenia, why does it hurt you so much? What do you feel?

Evgeniya: I … No, I'm not a prude, not that I directly condemn … It's almost like treason, here! I'm not enough for him! I feel fear … He will go further along the girls! To realize these fantasies!

Psychotherapist: You see, Mikhail, how Eugene interprets this. And how really? Do you want to realize your fantasies on the side?

Mikhail: Yes, it never entered my head! It's just fantasy! I don't need anyone on the side, and I never wanted to since I got married, I love my wife …

Psychotherapist: Evgenia, do you believe your husband?

Evgeniya: Yes, I do.

Therapist: What are we going to do? Some kind of compromise?

Mikhail: I can watch less … Or try fantasies with my wife …

Evgeniya: I don’t know, maybe some only if.. these fantasies … And let them not watch porn at all! I'm not looking!

Psychotherapist: Do you really want this very much, but break yourself?

Evgeniya: No.

Psychotherapist: And if you wanted to, you wouldn’t watch it anyway? Mikhail, are you ready to give up porn completely?

Mikhail: Well, to be honest, not at all. Or it will be a lie, all sorts of prohibitions are annoying … (to wife) Come on, I'll watch if I'm away, or you're on a business trip. In short, when we are not together.

In relationships, it is rarely taken into account that a person can really be completely arranged differently - he thinks differently, feels differently, has other intentions, and not those that might seem to us. Often, for example, even temperament is not taken into account (if I have it mobile, this does not mean that the phlegmatic son does everything slowly to spite me) or the difference in the manifestations of care - I will ask how are you (verbal level), and you will offer tea (level actions), but I will not appreciate this, since I do not need tea now, and YOUR expression of concern will go unnoticed. The ability to see the problem not in a partner and his "evil intent", indifference or "lack of attitude", but in the difference between us is an extremely rare and valuable, although not obvious, communication skill.

TO CHANGE COMMUNICATIVE STYLE, YOU CAN TRY

1) Take the risk of asking. And find that many people can be relied on. Or face rejection, live through it at last and figure out why it is so painful.

You might also find out, unexpectedly, that many agreements are easy to reach, clarification is a relief, and people are happy to accommodate;

2) Talk about your wishes and feelings instead of claims and accusations. There is a difference between the phrases-messages "You are always on the phone, but I don't seem to be here!" and "I miss your attention, let's talk today at least half an hour!" How to react to this is already the responsibility of the partner. In most cases, you can offer options for agreements (most often, with concessions on both sides, since mutual benefit motivates). Sometimes the problem is insoluble - then the question arises about the criticality of this for the relationship as a whole, and how to take care of yourself in such a situation;

3) Express yourself as concretely as possible - what exactly is desirable, why and, if necessary, in what time frame; and also be willing to compromise or partial agreement and (very good) have a "plan B" in case of refusal;

4) Remember that the other person is arranged differently (this can be a lot of surprise). Also remember that this does not relieve him of responsibility - it can explain his behavior, but does not necessarily justify it;

5) Stop expecting or blaming the person / yourself for feelings that he / herself does not have. Feelings are biological, we can control their expression or suppress, or deny - whether they appear or not - outside of our control. Each person is responsible for how they express their emotions. But for their absence - no. If a person, in principle, has no need to communicate by SMS for most of the day, then it is unlikely that it will appear out of nowhere - neither out of guilt, nor out of great love. Different feelings and needs can be spread in the psyche "in different boxes" and not be connected with each other in one person and be directly arising from one another - in his partner.

In conclusion, it should be noted that for many people it is more familiar to be in conflicts and anxieties (for various reasons) than to live easily and with pleasure. Acquisition of the ability to receive satisfaction and joy can be difficult and alarming, because communication is changing, the entire system is changing, with all interaction scenarios, including psychological "pay" and "bonuses" - struggle and energetic rise, accusations and a sense of self-righteousness and superiority, suffering and solidarity with "friends in misfortune" - suddenly all this or a large component of a well-known life will disappear? And what will appear in return? The question always remains open.