How To Negotiate With Your Husband

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Video: How To Negotiate With Your Husband

Video: How To Negotiate With Your Husband
Video: How to Negotiate in Your Relationships 2024, March
How To Negotiate With Your Husband
How To Negotiate With Your Husband
Anonim

One of the frequent client inquiries: My husband behaves in a way that annoys, resent or hurts me. What should I do?

In short: share responsibility.

When we find ourselves in a situation where a loved one says or does something that we do not like, we may succumb to the illusion that the problem can be solved only if the other person changes his behavior. Our feelings seem to us to be a very natural and correct reaction, but his behavior is an outrageous violation of moral norms, and sometimes even common sense.

In reality, everything is not as straightforward as it seems at first glance.

If you believe that the cause of your problems is in the behavior of the other, and you are looking for a way to influence his behavior, you are in codependency or, in other words, merging. One of the criteria for codependency is shifting responsibility for one's feelings onto another and taking responsibility for his feelings. At the same time, refusal to take responsibility for what happens to you. Such is the paradox: I am responsible for your feelings, and you for mine. And none of us takes responsibility for what happens to him. This view of the situation creates fertile ground for manipulation, psychological games and, as a result, negative emotions and mutual claims.

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Let's share responsibility.

I will write about how you can act and, of course, this strategy works not only with the husband, but also with other people - mom, colleague, girlfriend, child, and so on.

If your partner's behavior hurts you, it is your responsibility to let them know. This is respectful information that his words or actions are unpleasant to you. If you are silent, offended or make a complaint, this is not informing, this is manipulation or banal inaction in the expectation that he himself will guess. He won’t guess, because it’s not part of his responsibility.

So, the first step is to communicate. Use the self-message to formulate, that is, the message of your feelings in connection with a certain fact.

- When you come home later than usual and do not report it, I start to worry about you and cannot calm down until I know that you are all right.

This wording is not an accusation of another, but a message about how you react to certain circumstances.

After you have communicated your feelings, it is advisable to formulate a wish for your partner. How would you like it to be instead.

- I would be calmer if you warned me by text message that you are late.

Let's share responsibility.

I will write about how you can act and, of course, this strategy works not only with the husband, but also with other people - mom, colleague, girlfriend, child, and so on.

If your partner's behavior hurts you, it is your responsibility to let them know. This is respectful information that his words or actions are unpleasant to you. If you are silent, offended or make a complaint, this is not informing, this is manipulation or banal inaction in the expectation that he himself will guess. He won’t guess, because it’s not part of his responsibility.

So, the first step is to communicate. Use the self-message to formulate, that is, the message of your feelings in connection with a certain fact.

- When you come home later than usual and do not report it, I start to worry about you and cannot calm down until I know that you are all right.

This wording is not an accusation of another, but a message about how you react to certain circumstances.

After you have communicated your feelings, it is advisable to formulate a wish for your partner. How would you like it to be instead.

- I would be calmer if you warned me by text message that you are late.

  • It may begin to devalue your feelings or calm you down from the series: "Well, you silly thing, nothing will happen to me!"
  • In general, the reaction can be different. And your interlocutor has a right to it. This is part of his responsibility. For you, his reaction is a fact on the basis of which you will make your own decision. The turn goes to you.

    If your interlocutor agrees with your request, the problem is resolved in two moves, everyone is happy. If his reaction does not match what you would like to hear, you need to decide what you will do next.

    Let's say you asked your mother to call before coming to visit you, because you are tired of the fact that she comes when it is convenient for her and this does not always coincide with what is convenient for you. After you voiced your request, mom was offended, taking it (from the transfer) as your unwillingness to see her. Your next move is to make your mom responsible for her resentment. This is her choice, her interpretation from several possible ones. You had no intention of offending or offending her, did you?

    You can say:

    “I’m sorry that this is how you perceive my request. I had no intention of offending you. But it is important for me to come to an agreement with you on this issue, because the way it is, I feel uncomfortable.

    If you don’t take on someone else’s responsibility, your interlocutor will not be able to manipulate the sense of guilt.

    If mom, in response to your request, agrees to warn, but in fact sabotages and after a while begins to "forget" about the agreements, the move again goes to you.

    This behavior is a good reason to set boundaries, not only in words, but also in deeds. If mom breaks the agreement, you may not support her in this. And the next time she arrives without warning, it turns out that "you cannot accept her at all, because you have to leave urgently."

    If the husband does not warn about the delay at work, although you have such an agreement, you can raise this issue again and agree on sanctions for such violations. For example, if he does not warn that he is late, you are relieved of the obligation to cook dinner for him that evening.

    You can start negotiations with a loved one, which are needed so that everyone can hear the point of view of the other and the interlocutors can come to an option that will take into account the interests of everyone. This option is possible if the partners are really ready to hear each other and can refrain from slipping into accusations and depreciation. Sometimes, when too many grievances have accumulated, this option is only possible in the presence of the facilitator. Someone who will follow the format and not let the speakers turn the negotiations into a scandal. Typically, this facilitator is a family psychologist.

    Another of the options for your reaction in response to a refusal to grant your request may be to reconsider your view of the situation. So that it does not cause you too strong emotions. Your emotions are your responsibility and you can influence them even if your partner does not change his behavior. The most powerful way is to see how you interpret the fact you don't like. Your emotional state depends on the interpretation, what you tell yourself about this situation, how you evaluate it.

    In a situation with the excitement of the husband's delay at work, it can be assumed that the wife's thoughts that something might happen to him. And even deeper - the fear of being left alone, the fear of being abandoned. Perhaps there is some kind of childhood story behind this, such fears do not arise from scratch. It is best to get to the bottom of the cause, sources of this fear, but it is not always possible to do this on your own. If she works through this fear, the situation with her husband's delays will cease to worry her.

    Sometimes you just need to accept the situation as it is. For example, a husband throws his belongings in the room instead of hanging them in the closet and repeated requests to stop doing this do not help. If the situation does not threaten the life, as well as the mental or physical health of other family members, you can say: “Yes, my husband is not ideal and I don’t like some of his habits. But he has a lot of things that I respect and love.. I am ready to accept him as he is and turn a blind eye to some of the qualities. If you really accept it, feel this choice, you will not feel like a victim, a sense of humility will come.

    In conclusion, I will once again give an algorithm of actions:

    If you don't like someone's behavior, your first step is to report it. And also about what you would like instead.

    If your partner is not ready to meet you halfway, you can:

    - accept the situation as it is, weighing the pros and cons of a particular person.

    - to put a border. That is, to indicate what you will do if he continues to exhibit this behavior. The border is not retaliation, but rather the protection of oneself.

    - agree on an option that takes into account the interests of both parties.

    - to work with your perception of this situation so that it stops bothering you.

    If, after reading the article, you feel that you need help in mastering new strategies of behavior with your husband or other significant people, contact me, I will be glad to help you in a personal consultation.

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