How To Raise An Emotional Disabled

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

As has been noted more than once, personality disorder occurs as a result of multiple causes. It's the same with borderline disorder. I already wrote that various features of the structure of the brain in persons with it were identified, but this is certainly not all. Of course, the style of upbringing plays an important role in development.

It is not entirely clear whether upbringing, in this case, is itself the cause of the disorder, or whether parents with certain genes predispose the child to the disorder. Those. here the problem is similar to finding out who appeared earlier, the egg or the chicken. However, psychologist Marsha Linehan described the so-called "emotional disability". It is a parenting style that distorts the meaning of a child's emotions in many ways. This leads to the fact that in the end the person grows up and does not know how to express himself and whether it is appropriate to express his emotions. And also what do the emotions that are expressed by others mean and whether it is possible to believe the expressed emotions. For example, such people may feel anxious about the smile of the other person. For them, this will be a threat or ridicule, and not a sign of goodwill and good intentions.

Emotional disability is not solely the sole cause of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Other disorders can develop against this background. Again, everything depends on how predisposed the child is to BPD, whether there were other harmful factors, such as emotional neglect or violence of various kinds on the part of the parents. But still, "border guards" can often tell a lot about what of the following happened in their family.

Often this behavior is a kind of message to the child about how he should feel in certain situations, what to show and what to hide, what is valuable and what is shameful and unacceptable.

And so what exactly in parental behavior can lead to "emotional disability"?

"You shouldn't feel this way." In fact, oddly enough, parents often either directly or indirectly disapprove of the negative feelings of the child as a whole. You have no right to feel unhappy because I do everything for you / you are a man / you are a person / you are a daughter of wonderful parents, etc. It doesn't matter what the child is upset about. There are tons of life events that are really frustrating. For example, you spent 3 months putting together a puzzle of 5000 pieces, and your mother washed the floor and, … in general, it turned out that way. Well, you must admit that it is a shame, even if mom doesn’t on purpose. In principle, it is quite possible to admit that a person has the right to feel bad and sad, the main thing is that this problem can be solved. Mom can, for example, help put the puzzle back together. But often in such cases the child is told "how dare you be upset because of the destroyed puzzle when I spent all my life on you." It's actually a mother's way of dealing with her frustration over her awkwardness and raising her self-esteem on a larger scale. This is generally the correct tactic. Nobody makes a person a trashy parent because of a broken puzzle, and you need to understand that parenting is actually much more than keeping the puzzles intact. Still, the child has the right to be upset that his job has been destroyed. Banning emotions can have a very negative effect on a child's development. The same can be true for friends, teachers, neighbors, etc. which cannot be offended

"Why are you crying?" Children cry and it's not a secret. Mechanisms have not yet been formed that can filter and overestimate the flows of displeasure and frustration. Sometimes a child just needs to cry briefly to calm down. But parents often perceive crying as a challenge to their parenting, their ability to create a happy childhood, or, in general, signs that the baby will grow up to be a "snotty pacifist."It is rather unpleasant to view the roaring child from this angle. Therefore, it sounds: "Immediately wipe the snot and pull yourself together." The manifestation of extreme feelings is unacceptable. Of course, it's great to think of this as helping your child cope with their own negative emotions. But simply suppressing such feelings is not a good skill. A temperate person is not one who can skillfully suppress negative emotions, but who can correctly manage and review unpleasant events in his life. Then these events simply do not evoke those "extreme emotions" in him.

"You are exaggerating" Children do not exaggerate because they want only attention. Due to the peculiarities of perception and understanding of time and events, many events for them seem more personal than they really are. They are more attached to their favorite toys, chairs, cups, books, friends, hamsters and kittens. Many events that are completely mundane for adults for children are of tremendous importance and are colored with rather strong emotions. Mom didn’t buy ice cream when it was a very “ice cream mood”. This is not just, "the devil, I wanted to", this is the tragedy of the present moment, which can remain in the memory for many years. But, parents may simply not recognize the child's right to evaluate events by their own standards. You cannot be sad because I am not sad. You can't cry over a cartoon, because I don't cry, says the father. As a result, it becomes difficult for the child to develop awareness of his own instrument for assessing feelings. I'm sad? Am I really sad, or am I exaggerating? I'm glad, but my joy is adequate, maybe I shouldn't be so happy?

"You're just lying!" Different events can be viewed differently by a child and an adult. This is again due to the peculiarities of perception. A sad person may seem angry, a lapdog dog may seem like a huge dog (in a state of fear, children can evaluate threatening objects somewhat in an exaggerated way), the distance to the house is enormous, the time spent with a friend is short … and in general, a child who has played may not really see what is happening around … Even ordinary communication can have a completely different meaning for a child. Often, the parent's child's reactions and judgments can be confusing or even reveal the true background of what is happening. If the parent does not want to admit certain moments or does not want the child to raise certain topics, then he can accuse the child of lying. Further, the child forms uncertainty in assessing reality and his own opinion about it. Is this true or do I want to lie to people again?

“You are like yours (insert the name of a relative who is assessed negatively in this context)” In general, such comparisons can play a pretty cruel joke on a child. After all, not being like "mom" or "dad" is usually not much discussed. What does it mean not to be like a father to a boy and not to be like a mother to a girl? Moreover, such a comparison is often used by parents not only in essence, but in order to throw off unpleasant emotions and feelings of lack of control over the situation. "You are like yours" removes responsibility for the child's behavior, allows not to take any unpopular measures. It happens that already an adult, some part of his personality is aware of the type "this is the mother / father who speaks to me." Where did daddy come from? How did he, a scoundrel, get across the boundaries of your personality and why is he poaching there? when he wants, then he speaks, when he does not want to be silent. This is a kind of uncontrollable part that erases the boundaries of the personality.

“It's time for you to be like your sister / brother / me at your age already…” In fact, this is a message that a child is not good enough for parents and must work on himself. He confuses the parents with some of his actions, they do not want to deal with his problems, or they already want the child to solve their problems. It is quite difficult to become like someone else. From this it is necessary to seriously alter oneself, and include qualities that may be completely alien. Often such a policy leads to the fact that the child admits that his personality and his needs are of no interest to anyone and a sign of infantilism and defects. You have to be different, and only then you will be loved.

"Behave like an adult already." Children behave like children. They make noise, screech, scatter toys, believe in fairies and monsters, believe that a pine stick is no worse than Jack Sparrow's sword. Parents are bored, parents want to do their own thing and not be disturbed. Parents often want to be thought of them better than they really are, so that they are not condemned at the entrance by the social network of grandmothers "stalin_na_vas.net", what about the child? Your childhood, your interests are disgusting / exhausting / shameful / funny … Well, when will it end? The adult continues to question whether he is appropriate in general. Now, if I drop my pen now, then what? Am I like a fool? If I'm upset about a dried flower in a pot? Is this the same shameful childhood playing in me, which should already end?

"Tell me something nice and don't upset."

Sometimes parents avoid feeling untenable even in small matters. Therefore, they absolutely do not want to hear that the child has problems.

They only want to hear about good results and achievements. As a result, the child forms an opinion. That his problems are of no interest to anyone and only upset. And therefore, you need to keep everything to yourself, otherwise they will not love you. Moreover, if a person has black stripes, then this is assessed as a complete rejection by society. If you have problems and you have nothing to please your mother with in the last 3 days, then you have no right to be loved.

"You are an egoist!" You know, children are selfish. Again, a developmental feature. If from 1 to 3 years old a child increasingly begins to realize himself as a person separate from others and that he can do something for himself, and other people can do for him, it is rather difficult to explain to him the principles of altruism. Then, to the question of selfishness as such. A person must think about himself. And not every act that parents do not like or does not live up to their expectations. If the "egoist" is also used for manipulation, when they want to get the desired behavior from the child, then it is quite easy to form the idea that acting in their own interests is just dirty and unworthy behavior. And also people who do this and do not act in your interests are the same dirty animals-egoists. Do you want something? Don't you dare even think about it! Wanting is selfishness. You have to do what others want. Only then will you be loved.

“You're too small / stupid / weak / naive to do that.” Yes, kids are like that. But often in such treatment there is a need to control the life of the child. Not everything that a child is fenced off from by his parents is really beyond his power. "Do not even think that you will become an artist / writer, you have no talent and imagination, you are too simple", "Do not even think about entering Baumanka, your mathematics is too weak, choose a simpler one for yourself."

Emotional disability quite strongly deforms the child's concept of what normal emotions are and what the normal way of their manifestation is. Even if he subsequently functions quite successfully in society, then he often has doubts and anxiety about whether he is adequate in certain situations, whether he will cause a negative reaction from others if he shows his emotions or expresses his opinion or desires. In extreme cases, this leads precisely to the situation associated with BPD. There is no sense of your personality, no sense of boundaries.