Masochistic Character Type. Why Does Everyone Offend Me?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Let me explain right away that this article will not be about sexual preferences, although this topic, undoubtedly, also deserves attention. In addition to the heirs of Sacher Masoch and members of the BDSM community, there are completely different masochists. I must say that they themselves may not even suspect about their masochism. As, however, and others

The most important thing that should be noted from the very beginning: the presence of masochistic traits in a person cannot be considered his fault, but only a misfortune with which it is important to help him cope. Unfortunately, various traumas of an early age, specific patterns of the parental family, the peculiarities of the attitude of the parents to the child, and sometimes the peculiarities of the child's position in the micro-society at certain stages of socialization can lead to the development of a corresponding character. The purpose of this article is not accusation and not "bringing to clean water", but an explanation of the phenomenon that can cause different feelings in partners of masochistic personalities in communication

Perhaps you have met people who have suffered a lot in their lives. And not so much because of a difficult fate, but because of the injustice of the people around. They themselves are very pleasant to talk to, soft and unpretentious, but for some reason they constantly become the object of aggression, infringement or just cruelty from others, especially those close to them. With prolonged communication with such people, sometimes an inexplicable feeling of guilt arises - there is a strange feeling that you are treating a person very badly. And sometimes there is also a real desire for such a person to offend, offend, offend, or even hit. Even if you have never noticed sadistic inclinations in yourself, in a relationship with such a person you suddenly find yourself wanting to hurt him or pleasure from the fact that you involuntarily (or voluntarily) caused it.

Most likely, it is just about them - about "masochists" or people with masochistic personality traits. Note that in some textbooks and reference books (for example, in the American manual on mental disorders of the previous revision), a separate personality disorder is distinguished - masochistic, but today it is customary to consider masochistic traits in conjunction with other personality traits, since they cannot be considered fundamental and neither one personality cannot be reduced to such a simple pattern. Masochistic traits are not related to gender or age, although due to the peculiarities of gender socialization in our culture, it is often women who are abused in childhood and it is they who are taught from an early age to patience, humility and blocking aggression, which is essential for the development of masochistic behavior.

I want to make a reservation right away: no matter how tempting it is to accuse a person with masochistic traits of manipulation, most likely there is no intentional intent in his behavior. If there is, then it is no longer a masochistic person, but rather a hysterical or narcissistic one. The masochist himself does not understand how he causes aggression in others.

This can be the most executive and friendly employee in the office, whom everyone for some reason does not like. A self-sacrificing relative who "gives everything" to his family and in return receives only contempt and assaults. This is a person who will not say a bad word, but always becomes the object of someone else's dissatisfaction. The masochist behaves in such a way that it is difficult to resist the temptation to "finish off" him. He always turns his left cheek. Even if no one has yet had time to hit him on the right.

A textbook example of such a character is Cinderella. A quiet, modest, kind and beautiful girl, who is spanked by everyone, loaded with the dirtiest work and locked in the basement. It is not a fact that the stepmother is really evil and unfair - it is just that Cinderella sometimes behaves so quietly that it is as if "it is impossible not to offend her." She enjoys the role of the victim, and the people around her, willy-nilly, become tyrants and sadists. Such a person constantly expects aggression and is ready to accept it, leaving no other choice.

What is the basis of this behavior? The masochist himself does not admit this, but in fact he is governed by repressed, carefully suppressed aggression.

All people experience negative emotions, including anger, rage, even hatred. Often we feel aggression towards those we love - we get angry even at the closest ones. There is nothing wrong with this if a person has enough strength to realize his emotions, accept them, give them the right to exist. This does not mean acting out of a momentary rush or making decisions under the influence of these emotions. You should not pounce on loved ones with fists as soon as a feeling of rage arises or break off relations whenever an anxiety lumps up in your throat. But you need to give yourself the right to live this experience, to admit it to yourself, instead of suppressing and denying your experiences. A person with masochistic personality traits since childhood does not know how to admit to himself in his "unacceptable" feelings. Most likely, in early childhood, his parents suppressed some of his natural emotions as socially unacceptable, punished him not only for aggressive behavior, but also for the very presence of some forbidden experiences - anger, resentment, envy, for everything that could be interpreted as aggression. We are not necessarily talking about full-fledged punishment - the parents could be angry with him, deprive him of some support or attention, get upset every time the child behaved in a wrong way. As a result, a person has not learned to see and fix his own "bad" feelings, he closes himself off from them and simply does not feel any anger or aggression. It would seem that here he is, an example of a happy person who does not experience any "bad" feelings for his neighbor. Alas, unlived emotions never go anywhere. Psychic energy, as Sigmund Freud believed, obeys the law of conservation of energy, and if anger has not found a proper outlet, it will not disappear by itself. Experiencing an intolerable feeling of guilt if aggression is directed at others (even in the form of thoughts), the masochist easily redirects it to himself. This is called auto-aggression, and it is not always expressed in self-harm or self-accusations. Feeling guilty for his feelings, which he himself seems unbearable and unacceptable for a good person, he can get relief only by shifting his guilt onto another. When he is hurt, he feels immensely relieved simply from the fact that he has, as it were, retained his position of “good,” leaving the place of “bad” to someone else. Thus, he seems to buy himself the right to be as he is.

What if you are faced with the owner of a masochistic character in life? The instructions can look very contradictory: do not succumb to manipulation and at the same time do not blame him (because this is the case when a person reacts based on his neurosis, and does not make a conscious choice of a course of action). Do not take the blame for the suffering of such a person, do not try to save him out of guilt, do not let him turn you into an aggressor. And at the same time, try not to be angry with him, because his manipulations are not realized by him, and his suffering is really high - not because he undergoes ordeals and mistreatment from others, but because he cannot enter into contact with your own experiences. Remember, you are not to blame for what is happening to him, so do not let yourself be included in the vicious circle of his manipulation with a sense of guilt.

If you recognize yourself in the hero of this article, you have something to think about. Sometimes, just recognizing a problem is the first step to resolving it. Expressing your aggression through passivity and martyrdom is not the best path to happiness. It is not by chance that foreign psychoanalysts consider the masochistic type of character to be one of the most difficult both for self-correction and for psychotherapeutic work.

But you can and should get in touch with your experiences. You can realize what you really feel, allow yourself to experience these feelings without replacing them with others, and then there will be no need for auto-aggression.