Fatherhood And Motherhood From The Point Of View Of Gestalt Therapy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Psychoanalysis began the topic of the relationship between children and parents in psychology. In literature, this began much earlier - with Aeschylus, Shakespeare, Hugo, Dostoevsky-Tolstoy-Turgenev. There was more and more about fatherhood until the 20th century, then they began to write and research about motherhood.

And if you believe psychoanalysis, then the new relationship between children and parents began with the first two taboos: with the agreement that grown-up children will not kill and eat weakened parents, they will perceive them as parents all their lives. And parents will not seduce children and have sex with them, nothing was said about killing and eating children. And civilization is trying to preserve these agreements: all murders and incest are kept secret or clothed in a decent form. But nevertheless, doubts that these agreements will be fulfilled make both children and parents worry and look closely at each other with concern: will they eat? Not me, so my time? My powers? My money? Doesn't it use? Not sexy, but somehow.

In the first half of the 20th century, the main figure in parenting research was the figure of the father, who embodied the demands and expectations of society in exchange for resources for survival. After the father discredited himself in the world wars by not saving his families, the mother, who was better able to ensure the child's survival, became the main figure for the study of parenting. And in the second half of the 20th century, parenting was reduced to motherhood, idealized to the point of impossibility, but then brought closer to reality by Winnicott thanks to the concept of "a good enough mother."

Gestalt therapy views relationships in terms of contact, creative adaptation and (I will add from myself) - co-tuning, coordination, co-creation. That is, fatherhood and motherhood are an emerging I-you relationship between a child with his needs and excitations and an adult with his needs and your arousals. And these I-you relations unfold in a certain cultural-historical field and are supported by biological programs.

We can express this relationship through some I-Thou messages. At training seminars on child and family specializations, we selected 4 such statements that describe the main essence and main differences between fatherhood and motherhood. These are the phrases. They contain the discovery and recognition of the other, expectations and their own responsibility.

We have identified such general qualities of parenting - responsibility for survival and the willingness to share resources (time, energy, etc.), which is set by biological laws, and a relationship of mutual belonging (you are my child, I am your parent, we have rights to each other) that is set to a greater extent by the socio-cultural field - what exactly we can claim and where is the border between family and personal.

A good enough mother is realized in such "I-you messages" that describe how the child is present in the world of each parent

1. It's good that I have you. (I notice you, I admit, I rejoice in you, I smile, your presence is important to me, you arouse benevolent attention)
2. It is important for me that everything is fine with you (I am attentive to your condition, I take responsibility for your comfort)
3. When you need something, contact me and I will try to understand you and help you (I will be attentive to your signals and desires, I will be available for your calls to me).
4. I will be there, even if you do not feel me (I take responsibility for my presence in your life).

A good enough father is realized in these "I-you messages":

1. It's good that you are mine. (I recognize our relationship, I am ready to share responsibility for
2. It is important for me that you grow up as a worthy competent person. (Your achievements and competencies are important to me, I take responsibility for your future).
3. If you do something sensible, I will support you. (I am attentive to your achievements, I am responsible for the social assessment of your efforts)
4. Sometimes I'll be there, and sometimes I'll mind my own business. (I am responsible not only for you, but also for other events in the world. You are only a part of this world).

When a child perceives, recognizes these messages, he experiences his recognition in his states of the moment and recognition in his intention to contact and to grow. He gets the experience of love and respect. In his developmental situation, there are sufficient resources to support risk and face uncertainty. It is good that you are - it gives energy and strength to live, the child recognizes himself in his excitements and contacts, recognizes the other in his love. It is good that you are mine - it gives a sense of belonging and security, the child recognizes himself as worthy. This experience is an inoculation against toxic shame.

Together, these messages create a balanced time frame of reference for what is happening at this moment in time and what will happen in the future, setting the growth vector for the child: you are who you are and you are who you will be. It also sets “spatial balance: you are yourself and you are in relations with others. These "messages" are addressed to the child and are manifested in the direct behavior of the parents when interacting with the child, in the way of being present in a relationship, in the organization of his living space. A child can perceive and integrate both positions (I am and I am connected with others, I am important to the world by myself and I have to do something necessary) without internal contradictions, if the parents respect and accept differences in their relationships and responsibilities.

Various aspects of paternity or maternity may not be manifested or perceived in contact and are not available for the child to experience and assimilate.

When we do these exercises in class, people are always strongly affected by them, but in different ways. Meeting with the maternal position causes a lot of excitement and warmth in people, as well as different emotions from tenderness and joy to resentment and sadness. The paternal position causes a lot of irritation, indignation, anger and shame. It seems that the paternal position has a strong negative connotation and is rejected by families, while the maternal position has a lot of power. Many "recognize" these messages, although they have never heard them in the words of their parents and themselves did not pronounce them literally. This exercise makes presence and absence more conscious.