I'm A Poor Little Thing. How To Dare To Grow Up

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

You are much stronger than you think. We are often told about this in motivational texts. And I like this idea.

But I want to talk about the mirror changer. Sometimes for some reason it is important for you to believe that you are much weaker than you are. That your maximum mark is much lower than it could be.

This is the same, notorious and worn out to a squeak "self-doubt." Which is always accompanied by a vague sense of not your life. And the same vague groping impossibility to take yours.

Because in the parental family, for some reason, it was important to be small and weak. Important for the plot of a family legend. There must have been someone as beautiful as the dawn in this plot. And someone is saving. And someone is evil. And she was sure to be there, Poor Little Girl. And she, Poor Little Girl, was loved in this story. Or they didn't. Or defended. Or offended. And most likely it was not easy. It might hurt and lonely. Sometimes it's good. But there was no other way. Being small and weak was the only way to survive. Nobody knew - how it is, in another way. Nobody asked - how do you want? Nobody was interested. No one is to blame - it just happened. You just got this role.

Sometimes this role looks like the role of the Dull. And then, no matter what you do, no matter how you twist, everything will not be so. There will always be some black sheep in the family, doomed sighs, all children are like children and that's all. This is such a petty double bind. “We really, really want you to finally do everything well and right. But we will not support you in this in any way. We'll just wait patiently for you to screw up again. And we will definitely sigh heavily when it finally happens."

Such a hellish clinch. If Knotty is not the only reason why the family for some reason does not drink ambrosia on the banks of a milk river with jelly banks, he is sure to be in the center of the circle of those who expect some accomplishments from him. Expectations, pinning hopes, obnoxiously examines through a magnifying glass and noisily gets upset. It is impossible to move from this role, it is impossible to live. Because everything will be discounted. Any movement, any action. Or inaction.

And if you suddenly rebel, an unimaginable rumor must begin. The whole system fails. And everyone looks in your direction disapprovingly. Or they stop noticing altogether. Or they start screaming, stamping their feet and asking rhetorical questions somewhere in the sky. Well, or not into the sky, but aiming so in the forehead. Have you stopped drinking cognac in the morning? Yes or no? How can you be so ungrateful? Well, how are you not ashamed? And the smell of Corvalol fills the kitchen. And in the house they speak in low voices - right after "goodbye" to the emergency doctors. Or mom sighs sadly and says something like “well, nothing, what can you do, we love you anyway”. As sad as they sigh only over the ashes of unfulfilled hopes. Humbly folding new dry branches in a hill - burn, child, burn, mom will forgive everything.

Therefore, it is better not to rebel and not disturb this cozy hornet's nest.

And this scenario will be unchanged almost always. Regardless. If you did well or if you did badly. If you did everything well, it will never be enough. Always someone real or imagined will come, purse his lips and run a defiant finger across the shelf. And it will be squeamishly pensive to consider unauthorized dust on this finger. Well, or if they threw away grandmother's pre-war sideboard, bought a new blouse, dyed their hair green, sent the fuck out a biology teacher, or refused to write a doctoral dissertation on scientific atheism. You will always want to shyly pull your head into your shoulders in anticipation of the familiar slap on the head.

The phrase “And what will mom say (dad, aunt, grandmother, little green men - underline what you need)” or “Well, again, as always” will appear on the wall in bloody letters, no matter how much you paint over. Even if the passport says that you have already grown up. Even if for a long time there is no one to look at you in the back with a reproachful and meek sigh.

And the basic feelings, in which the Poor things and the Fools simply bathe, are shame and anger. No, not even so - A lot of Shame and Anger. And Poor Girl's cocktail is still heavily seasoned with guilt for constantly trying to twitch left and right from the precious family scenario.

Anger, as we know, can turn outward, toward its offenders, and inward, toward oneself. If anger is turned outward, over the years, a person finds the strength to spit poison and fire. And distance yourself - mentally or physically. Sometimes it is possible to maintain or restore relationships with relatives at a comfortable distance (on their own or with the help of psychotherapy). Sometimes you have to accept the sad fact that it seems that a safe relationship in this family system is impossible.

If anger unfolds inward, towards oneself, a person experiences himself as worthless, incapable of anything, powerless, weak-willed. And very, very offended.

And from anger to shame - just a stone's throw. A person's shame “freezes”. Stops. Gives a message - disappear! Sank through the ground! Everything is very much wrong with you. Don't breathe! Don't live! And the person conscientiously freezes, presses his head into his shoulders, stops and holds his breath. And looks down at his feet. Because when in shame, it is impossible to look another in the eyes of the word at all. Better to fall underground.

As for the feeling of guilt, it is so similar to shame, the boundaries between them are so blurred that it is not so important whether I am ashamed now or I am now guilty. The only important thing is that I let everyone down again, my mother is upset again.

Needless to say, in tandem we get an extremely toxic mixture?

And, in order not to choke on this swill again, a person may decide to freeze and not move anymore.

Sometimes literally. With the help of all sorts of psychosomatic symptoms, which over time is consolidated and becomes quite real medical diagnoses. Agree - you will not be very fast to achieve something and separate, when panic attacks and limited mobility. It is an extremely crooked way to accept the equally crooked rules of the game. Yes, I'm Poor thing. Yes, I'm Dumb. Here - I have a certificate. Leave me alone. I won't fight anymore. Don't hit.

And sometimes this rejection of movement is what is called low self-esteem. When a person initially knows that he cannot trust himself. That he can't do anything well. That he is not worthy. That he cannot go after his want. He cannot want anything more. Nothing good can happen to him. You can't just love him. You can't just support it. He can't be right. And let us be frank - neither live, nor breathe deeply, nor want something for himself, he also cannot. Or impossible.

And if we try to briefly and schematically describe what we do with such clients in therapy, we are exploring the territory of adult life. We realize that no matter how bitter childhood, it is over. That the repertoire of an adult is very different from the repertoire of a child who simply had nowhere to go. No need to adjust anymore. That now it is already possible in a different way. That now is the time to bring up your internal accounting department, bring everything down, mourn, write off debts, say goodbye, evaluate losses and resources. It's time to make decisions - your own. It's time to look for your own supports and landmarks, to stand on your own feet, no matter how weak they seem. It's time to take your own life for yourself, no matter how coarse it looks. And live it already, this life - for yourself.