Domestic Violence And Abuse

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Domestic violence in Russia and the rest of the world is a common problem. It is not related to economic well-being and social status. According to statistics, the number of American soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001 and 2012 was 6,488, and the number of women killed by their current or former partner during the same period was 11,766. Every year in the United States, 4,774,000 women experience domestic violence. There are no official statistics in Russia, because acts of domestic violence are still not considered a separate crime. According to human rights organizations, 8 out of 10 cases do not go to court due to non-compliance with legal escort procedures.

But in addition to direct physical violence, there are even more frequent cases of cruel psychological treatment: humiliation, submission, restriction of rights and freedoms, economic control.

What is Domestic Violence and Abuse?

Abuse is when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage attempts to control and dominate a partner and other family members. If physical impact is also added to this: spanking, pinching, hitting, then this becomes already domestic violence. To shorten the spelling, I will continue to use the generic term "domestic violence".

Domestic violence is often justified: “I care about you,” “I wanted the best,” “you don’t understand otherwise,” and popular with children, “I want to protect / teach / make you understand something”. But the only purpose of domestic violence is total control over you. And the rapist never acts honestly. He uses fear, shame, guilt to throw you off balance and take advantage of the depression. He is like a sharpie who comes up with and changes rules and agreements on the move.

Domestic violence is not only a problem for women and heterosexual couples. It happens in men and in homosexual couples, in all cultures, ages and relationships with any level of social well-being, but no situation can justify violence. Good cannot be with fists. You deserve to be valued, treated with respect, have the right to safety.

Alarming "bells" of violence

Domestic violence often begins with a simple attitude and verbal abuse. But while the destructive effects of physical abuse are clear, emotional abuse carries an even greater threat of its sometimes culturally denied chronic toxicity. Emotional abuse destroys self-confidence, leads to anxiety and depression, feelings of loneliness and helplessness. Therefore, if you find the first signals, consider how to get out of such a relationship. The way to solve their problems with violence is part of the structure of character, if a person allows insults and humiliation emotionally, there are no guarantees that he will not turn to physical violence or that this method will not become regular. It may seem to you that the benefit from the relationship prevails over the danger: financial stability, “the child must have a father,” “but he is economic, does everything around the house,” and other excuses. But consider whether you need it in a state of constant stress and anxiety disorders.

Signs of violence in a relationship

Domestic violence has many signs, but the main one is the fear of your partner. If it seems to you that every day you are walking along the edge of a knife with him, watch your words, carefully select topics for conversation so as not to anger your partner, it is highly likely that you are far from a healthy relationship.

To determine if there are signs of domestic violence in your relationship, see the table below. The more signs you find, the more dangerous your situation is.

Sexual abuse as a form of physical abuse

Any situation in which you are forced to have sex against your desire and pleasure, degrading human dignity, is sexual abuse or exploitation. Coercion into sex is unacceptable even in marriage and voluntary relationships; it has nothing to do with love and intimacy. In addition, even mild physical and sexual abuse is a signal that someday your partner may seriously injure and even kill you.

Emotional abuse is a hidden threat

When people talk about violence, they imagine a physical or sexual impact. However, violence can be much more subtle: it is manipulation, threats, humiliating jokes, constriction and accusation. The so-called passive-aggressive behavior, and it also causes anxiety and fear of being humiliated, offended, ashamed. The point is to destroy self-esteem, self-reliance, only independence. And emotional abuse causes stress no less than physical abuse, and even more destructive due to constant exposure.

Abusers use a variety of methods to manipulate and demonstrate their strength

• Domination - Abusers need a “nerve” in a relationship, they enjoy showing off their strength, seizing initiative in decision-making, planning, and demonstrating financial benefits. The abuser may treat you like a servant.
• Humiliation - constant criticism, devaluation, ridicule is aimed at reducing self-esteem and self-confidence, which leads to an increase in dependence on the abuser. They systemically attack your values, behavior and try to destroy inspiration and joy in life.
• Isolation - to increase your dependence on it. Forbidden to see family and friends, gradually reducing your volume of social contacts, and persuading you to quit your job to make you financially dependent.
• Threats - Abusers can threaten you and your children with violence, forcing them to do what they want. Or they may, on the contrary, threaten to harm themselves and even kill themselves if you do not do what they want.
• Bullying is what is called "catching the eyebrow." The rapist intimidates with his posture, gestures, tone, constantly maintaining the state of anxious expectation in the partner. Hanging a belt in a prominent place is one way to bully children.
• Denial and blame - Abusers are good at making excuses for things that cannot be justified. They blame their partner, circumstances, difficult childhood for their behavior, just not to bear responsibility. The abuser may diminish or even deny the abuse; someone else is always to blame for the abuse.

Abusers are able to control their behavior - there is no insanity here

• Abusers are able to choose who to bully. They choose the closest and most vulnerable people for bullying. They do this deliberately and are afraid to contact strong and independent people. They are able to evaluate people and their strengths as applied to them.
• Abusers carefully choose the time, place, and tactics of bullying; they plan and control themselves to appear wonderful and caring in public. As a rule, it is part of their strategy to drive the victim crazy by not trusting the people she complains to.
• Abusers are able to stop when needed, and most abusers have excellent control over their behavior. When they realize that their behavior is dangerous or not beneficial, the abuser may stop acting for a while.
• Usually rapists choose places on the body where they inflict damage. They are able to control their rage and choose how to strike without being seen by others.

The cycle of violence

The cycle of violence is a stable pattern of events that is easy to recognize with close observation.

• Abuse - The actual act of violence, physical or emotional abuse.
• Guilt - After a partner is violent, he begins to feel guilty, but not for what he did. As a rule, he worries about what people will find out and he will have to deal with the consequences of his behavior.
• Excuses - The partner is trying to find an excuse. But it doesn't look like an apology, and it isn't. The partner tries to rationally explain the reason for what he or she did, often blaming the victim for provoking him or her.
• "Normal" behavior - The abuser does everything to maintain control and partner in the relationship. He can pretend that nothing happened or, on the contrary, charm, give gifts and show incredible care. As if the honeymoon had arrived. But this is all temporary and insincere.
• Fantasy and planning (Fantasy and planning) - The rapist goes on the hunt: looking for a reason, watching your actions in search of a reason, fantasies about how he will dominate. He is hatching plans to make violent fantasies a reality.
• Provocation (Set-up) - The abuser puts you in a situation where he can, in his opinion, "justly" show violence against you.

The so-called "honeymoon" is the reason why it is so difficult for people to get away from a rapist. They believe that everything will change and that this time was the last or only one. But in practice, such a chance is very, very small. If in a person's value system, violence is a normal and acceptable way to solve one's difficulties, then this is forever.

How to recognize signals of possible domestic violence

Domestic violence is usually carefully hidden, as there is a lot of fear, shame and guilt associated with it. Isolation worsens the victim's condition by depriving her of external resources in the form of support and empathy from those around her. However, you can be observant and pay attention to some signals that may mean something is happening to your loved one, friend or colleagues.

Common signs of domestic violence.

Abused people can:

• Seeming fearful of your partners
• Do whatever the partner tells them to do
• Constantly checked by the partner
• They often quarrel with a partner
• Often talks about their partner's hot temper, jealousy, or obsession

Possible signs of physical abuse.

People who are physically abused may have:

• regular traces of damage justified by "accident"
• frequent absence from work, school, or pre-planned public events
• dressed to hide signs of injury (for example, long sleeves in hot weather)

Warning signs of isolation.

People who are isolated:

• rarely appear in public places without a partner
• limited in the ability to see friends and family
• limited access to money, car and other economic resources

Psychological signs of violence.

Abused people can:

• show low self-esteem, even if they previously seemed confident
• demonstrate serious personal changes (as they say, "after she met him, it was as if she was replaced")
• be depressed, anxious, suicidal.

Talk to the person if you suspect something.

You may think that this is none of your business, you may be wrong, but nothing prevents you from simply letting you know what you notice and that you are ready to provide all possible help: letting you live, helping financially separate from the rapist, supporting you in going to the police and to a lawyer. Even if a person does not leave the conversation, he will know that he is not alone, that his problem is noticeable and there is someone who cares about him. Choose a time when you are alone, say what you notice without interpretation or judgment. Let me know what exactly you are ready to help.

As you take responsibility for helping, remember that rapists can skillfully manipulate, oppress, and even threaten, in general, start ruining your life too. Make sure you have enough resources to fight yourself.