2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Many of us live for years in a situation of domestic violence and do not even suspect that this is it - domestic violence. Very often I hear from my clients: "We have good relations with my husband, only now the child for some reason beats his mother and throws tantrums." When clarifying the situation in the family, it turns out that dad (as a rule, the main earner and lord of all "rings" and destinies) constantly devalues mom and child, and sometimes covers both of them with foul language. Well, or only devalues the child and obscenities. One or both parents have nervous breakdowns in the form of outbursts of anger.
But why does the child throw himself at the mother, who is already suffering? What is mom's fault? The victim's mother, who is unable to protect the child, causes the child as much aggression as the abuser's father, and sometimes even more. Because intuitively, the child feels that the mother, who allows the father to emotionally exploit the child, is a mute accomplice. And it often happens that after the father attacked the child, he himself tries to repulse the father, seeing that you cannot wait from the mother and you must somehow defend yourself. A child, for example, is rude in response to his father: "You, dad, are a fool!" Dad explodes even more, and mom: "Aren't you ashamed, can you really call dad like that?" How else to call a dad who calls his child names? How to call a parent who constantly criticizes, reproaches, shames, threatens, manipulates on guilt and fear of loss, violates the personal boundaries of his child completely shamelessly, and then demands respect for himself? How else can such a parent be called other than a "fool"? And the mother, instead of protecting the child from the father of the abuser and emotional sadist, signs up as accomplices. And what is it for? And in order to protect yourself. And so these two pseudo-adult people unite against the child and lead him to a psychologist: "Our child is some kind of abnormal, do something with the child."
There comes a stage of painstaking work to explain to these parents that the problem is not with the child, but with their own childhood traumas. Oh! How much they do not like it, and they go in search of a new child psychologist who will do something there and conjure over their child, but they have nothing to do with this as holy parents. And the child, after working with a psychologist, returns to the family, where all the same dad and mom, where absolutely nothing has changed. And now the child again throws his fists at the mother. Psychotherapy did not help the child. And in general, "some kind of geek turned out", not a child.
Meanwhile, the child is getting stronger and older, and the child's fists hit mom more and more painfully. Dad is not yet able to punch in the jaw. But the mother is the victim - just right. The child's fists are a conversation with the mother in the language that the child learned in the family - the language of violence. These fists, translated into human language, shout: “Protect me from him! Don't pretend that nothing is happening! But often these fists are addressed directly to the emotional rapist in the family - the mother (physically the mother is weaker and the child understands this), if the abuser is not the father, but the mother herself.
Many mothers recognize themselves in this situation. And even if your child does not hit you, but is silent and tolerates, because he is dependent on you, because he will not survive without you, the time will come and he will fall into the hands of a book on domestic violence, or this article, at least, or something- something like that. He knows well how to talk to you - you taught him this language, from which there are no bruises and scars on the body, but non-healing wounds remain on the soul. Are you ready to talk to your child in this language later when you are already weak, old and dependent on him? Do you think he will take pity on you - an elderly person? It's a lottery! Yes! Children often show miracles of generosity and forgiveness towards their parents and bring down all their accumulated anger on those who will be close, on those who will be weaker: on their children and partners, they will take revenge for what you have hurt them on others people, not you, but you will be sorry, unless of course they come across this article or they do not want to come to psychotherapy, where they will have to admit that in childhood they were subjected to emotional abuse by dad and mom. You will be very unhappy with your adult child's visit to a psychologist and you will shout: “The psychologist is brainwashing you, you cannot be recognized, always a good child is out of control! Do not go to psychologists - they are evil! Have you forgotten that very visit to a child psychologist when you wanted someone to work with your child and the child would become comfortable for you?
One way or another, everyone will have to be responsible for their actions, in one form or another. Acts committed out of ignorance do not exempt from liability. And the new generation of children is no longer like us. Information about domestic violence is now everywhere on the Internet and your child will surely fall into the hands of one day. Many of you believe that domestic violence is physical punishment. But there are other forms of violence and let's name them directly and openly now.
- Do you make constant remarks to the child? ("This is not so and that is not so in you") - this is emotional abuse!
- Do you reproach and blame your child for anything? Making him apologize? Is emotional abuse!
- Do you constantly criticize your child? Is emotional abuse!
- Are you manipulating (blackmailing) your child? (“If you do… then I will…) - this is emotional abuse!
- Are you constantly correcting, correcting your child? Is emotional abuse!
- Do you constantly devalue your child? (got "4", why not "5"?) - this is emotional abuse!
- Are you threatening your child that you will leave him? Is emotional abuse!
- Do you blame your child for your failures? Is emotional abuse!
- You tell your child "earn love, but why love you?" ? is emotional abuse!
- You are comparing your child to other children or to yourself as a child ("I am your age …") - this is emotional abuse!
- Do you solve many questions for the child, without asking him whether he wants it or not? is emotional abuse!
- Do you humiliate, insult your child? is emotional abuse!
- Do you punish your child with silence? is emotional abuse!
- Do you threaten your child that you will get sick or die because of him? is emotional abuse!
- Do you shame and judge your child? is emotional abuse!
- Do you tell the child or make it clear that in old age he should return to you all your strength that you spent on him? is emotional abuse!
- Are you not letting your child say no to you? is emotional abuse!
- Are you doing any of the above in front of your child as partners with each other? - this is emotional abuse of a child!
So, show me a family in which at least one of these points is not present in communication? There are no such families! Because we become parents before we are ready to become parents. Through our irresponsibility, we multiply pain and pass on suffering from generation to generation.
What to do? Do everything to get away from the forms of communication listed here, which are rightfully called emotional abuse, and for this, parents first of all need to work on themselves and their childhood traumas, their models and scenarios.
Healthy forms of communication exist! And you can learn about them from books, as well as going through personal psychotherapy, which works much better than books and articles. Mindfulness has not yet prevented any parent and made many children happy. Your children do not need material wealth in the first place, but your conscious approach to parenting, your ability to love yourself and your child, your ability to respect your own and your child's personal boundaries.
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