2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The consequences of verbal aggression also affect the intellectual sphere of a woman. A woman begins to be mistaken about herself and about her relationship with an aggressive partner. Women are not always able to clearly formulate the delusions imposed on them, but these ideas are so deeply rooted in their consciousness that they seem to them to be truth, reality, and not at all ideas about reality.
1. A woman believes that if she can better express her thought and can better explain something, then her husband (or partner) will not be angry and angry with her
2. A woman believes that she has some inexplicable problems with perception, that she perceives everything "not as it really is" (she is constantly being told about this!) 3. A woman believes that if she behaved adequately, “Would not make an elephant out of a fly and would not make scandals from scratch” (she is constantly being told about this!), She would not feel offended and she would not be so hurt 4. A woman believes that since she herself is trying to be sincere and tries to take care of her husband (partner), he, telling her that he loves her, takes care of her in the same way 5. A woman believes that her husband (partner) behaves with his friends and colleagues in the same way as with her … But at the same time they do not infuriate him, do not make him angry and do not complain, which means that something is wrong with her, and not with him 6. A woman believes that she is suffering through a misunderstanding, because of a lack of something, by mistake. She cannot understand what the mistake is or what she lacks, but instead acquires a strong confidence in her own inadequacy and incorrectness, which comes from constant accusations 7. A woman believes that when her husband (partner) scolds, accuses or calls her names, he is fair in his assessments and accusations 8. A woman believes that as soon as her husband (partner) understands how much pain he inflicts on her with his anger or sarcastic remarks, he will stop doing it. She believes that she simply has not yet found a way to explain to him how painful it is for her to endure his antics 9. A woman believes that all men behave this way and she, unlike other women who have found understanding with their husbands, has not yet been able to find an approach to her 10. A woman believes that, despite the repeated aggressive attacks of her husband (partner), she will someday be able to improve relations with him.
Reality: Despite the woman's numerous attempts to explain herself to her aggressor husband and find “the right words and arguments,” the aggression on his part continues. A woman's perception and emotional sphere function normally for a long time, her feelings - pain, fear, despair, anxiety, etc. - signals that aggression is practiced towards her, but at a certain stage the woman ceases to trust herself. Many women try to improve relationships with the aggressor, but any attempts to improve relationships, learn to understand the aggressor, become happier - lead to complications. The more a woman shares her hopes and fears with the aggressor, counting on understanding and closeness, the more the aggressor understands how open she is. before him, how defenseless and weak. He more strongly feels superiority over her, becomes even colder towards her, seeks to exercise more power over her. The more the victim shares his interests and plans with the aggressor, the more the aggressor criticizes or condemns her, which unbalances her, distracts her from these plans and interests, destroys her self-control. The more the victim tries to find common topics for conversation in order to communicate with the aggressor, the more the aggressor keeps silent, enjoying her desire to listen to him, her willingness to catch his every rare word and the power that he feels in doing so. The more the victim achieves in life, while believing that the aggressor will also be happy for her, the more the aggressor seeks to vulgarize and humiliate her efforts and achievements, in order to thus strengthen her position and again feel herself superior to her. The less the victim believes that the aggressor will accept her and get closer to her, the more she moves away from him and the more often she sees her friends who give her what she needs, the more hostile and angry the aggressor becomes. These paradoxes show how all of a woman's aspirations for inner growth, integrity and better relationships with her abusive husband frighten him, disturb him, cause pain and disappointment. Interestingly, when an aggressor scolds a woman, he usually describes himself exactly in the accusations he throws at her. For example: - You are too serious about everything! (In fact, women underestimate the depth of their experiences and suffering, and often turn a blind eye to aggression towards them) - You are too quick to draw conclusions! (In fact, a woman often does not dare to draw conclusions at all) - You see everything in a black light! (In fact, women are in the mood for the best and are ready to see everything in the most favorable light for the abuser). From the book by Patricia Evans "How to deal with verbal aggression"
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