5 Things To Accept In A Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

One of the biggest causes of marital problems is relationship myths. Stereotypes that we have absorbed from culture, media, novels, observation of the environment. For example, that if my partner loves me, he is able to understand what I want, even if I do not talk about it. Or that my husband or wife will always be on my side. That he will think like me and agree with me. That a relationship is something that was established once and will remain unchanged. That we should always feel romantic love for each other, as at the very beginning. And if the romance is gone, then this is the collapse of all relationships.

Some people live as if such ideas are reality. And he does not try to test them for real realism. But he gladly makes claims to another when his choice or behavior does not correspond to their idea of "how to do it right." People tend to treat themselves and others from a position of obligation. "If you love me, you must …", "If you are a man / woman, you must …". These shoulds and "fair" reproaches of non-compliance over and over again undermine and ultimately destroy the relationship. They "strangle" the partner with their dogmatism and uncompromising attitude, forcing him to either aggressively respond or move further away.

As opposed to imperatives, we will talk about acceptance. Acceptance of reality, the ability to look at things as they are.

These are five things you will need to accept if you want to build happy and harmonious relationships in your family and in society at large. I focus on the family in the first place, because it is in close relationships that our irrational ideas have the greatest power over us and cause a lot of unpleasant emotions.

1. Acceptance of human imperfection

You will have to admit that there are no perfect and perfect people. Everyone makes mistakes and has the right to do so. No one is required to be perfect or to always do the "right" thing.

2. Acceptance that people tend to express their desires in terms of demands

Every person has desires, preferences, and intentions. He has his own ideas about how he would like events to develop. People tend to turn their desires and preferences into demands on themselves, others and the world. To make them absolute. Substitute one for the other. Transform:

- "I don't like your behavior" in "you have no right to do this to me!"

- "I would like you to do more at home."

- "I would like to receive approval for my contribution" to "you should be grateful that I bring money to the family and not pester me with your problems!"

It is very important, knowing about this feature, to separate the partner's wishes and specific agreements about something that was decided jointly. The values of one of the spouses, which he presents in the form of claims and obligations, and the real contract between both, which they have decided to abide by.

3. Acceptance that close people can have very different feelings for each other

It is a great illusion to think that for loved ones we should always experience only love and acceptance. And suppress all other feelings as impossible and wrong. It is perfectly normal to have different feelings for your partner, depending on their behavior or the circumstances of your relationship. Anger is not the end of love, it does not cancel it. You may be angry about a particular act and continue to love the person. At some point, your partner may not be able to give you the love and care you hoped for. Or show it differently than you expected. This does not automatically mean that he has stopped loving you.

4. Unconditional acceptance of personality

You may be unhappy with the behavior, but that doesn't make the person bad. Very often, relying on some act - their own or a loved one, people tend to draw absolute conclusions. "If I didn't do everything flawlessly the first time, I'm a failure." "I have to deal with everything myself. If I need help, I'm weak and incapable of anything." "If you forgot about the date of our acquaintance, you no longer value our relationship. You are insensitive!"

It is important to learn to separate concrete actions from global assessments. A person can commit different actions, but not a single action individually determines the personality. We may try to correct behaviors we dislike by talking about our preferences and expectations. But do not hang labels on a person and treat her with judgment. It destroys the relationship.

5. Accept that some circumstances cannot be changed. And they need to be accepted as they are

Life shouldn't be all about beautiful moments. And it will definitely not always develop exactly the way we would like it to. It is important to see the real situation as it is and to be able to separate what we can change from what we just need to accept. For example:

- We cannot change another person. Only he can make the decision to change.

- Difficulties are an inevitable condition of people's lives.

- You will not be able to always be at your best.

- No one is obliged to meet the expectations of another.

Accepting the circumstances "as is" allows you to make better decisions, since there are no distortions in perception that can affect the ultimate goal or methods of response.

Of course, just reading the five points about acceptance doesn't automatically make you more accepting. This requires practicing on our own specific examples.

Think about what requirements you have for your partner and how legitimate and realistic are they?

Can you separate dissatisfaction with his behavior from judging him in general?

Are you ready to acknowledge and forgive your own imperfection in areas that matter to you? Which one exactly? Is your spouse imperfect in what is important to you?

What do you need to acknowledge as a fact in your relationship in order to stop looking at it through rose-colored glasses?