2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
If you have not experienced the pain of resentment towards your parents, you will project this pain onto your partner in adulthood. You divert your anger from your parents, but you will play it out on your partner. If your parents hurt you, you will be hurt by your partner. If your parents rejected you or ignored you, you will see how your partner does the same to you and you will experience this pain again. If your parents devalued and reproached you, blamed you, you will attract a reproaching, accusing and devaluating partner into your life. Until you talk to your parent, you will have a problem with your partner.
How to talk? Is it worth it? Will the parent understand that you have a grudge against him? Perhaps he won't understand, but it's worth talking. At least in order to release that part of the energy that goes into keeping in the soul that resentment for the childhood experience of manipulation, humiliation, reproaches, rejection, ignorance, violence from the parents. It's worth talking to them about it.
Otherwise, you will see your unresolved problem in your relationship with your partner all your life. And he will do all the same that the parent did to you. Alas. You have no idea how unconsciously you yourself induce that negative childhood experience and how you push your partner to be that bad parent, rejecting, angry, intruding, controlling, oppressive, cold, arrogant. Like the one of your parents with whom you had the most difficult relationship in childhood. You yourself will latently "beg" from your partner what hurts you. But you will not notice this as you prepare this soil yourself.
Because so far, you will not admit that you have an unspoken grudge against your parent. You don't agree to tell your mom or dad about her. Don't you see the point in this? Or are you afraid? That you will not be understood or, even worse, accused of cruelty and rancor.
And the worst is your thoughts that if you tell your parent about your insult, then his pressure will increase and he, God forbid, will die. Therefore, you choose to be silent and act out all your drama on the one who came into your life not to be your dad and mom, but to be your partner, friend, close person. You will play on it all your child-parental conflict in full and possibly destroy your relationship with him or destroy your health next to him. But at the same time, your dad and mom will remain in the dark that you are still in pain from their rude words, from their slaps on your bottom, from humiliation and insults.
No, it's easier for you to experience all this again in your marriage, in your relationship with him (her). You are a good son (daughter). But you are not destined to become a good husband (wife) and father (mother) of your children. Since you will play out your child-parental conflict also on your children. And this is the saddest thing. Since they will continue to carry a grudge against you into their adult relationships and take it out instead of you on someone. Be prepared to face your child's resentment.
Break this vicious circle of acting out, at least at the level of your parenthood, ask your child for forgiveness. (there is always something for that, no one is perfect). But, I believe that you could give your parent a chance to develop by telling him about your grievance. Your silence does not give him a chance to realize his guilt, his responsibility for his parental immaturity, ask your forgiveness and establish contact with you.
Only after asking for forgiveness of the parent to the child comes the moment of true mature love. Asking for forgiveness without excuses. Simply, "I'm sorry for the pain I have caused you." And that's all. There is no need for excuses that cross out the request for forgiveness.
Yes. You may be right: not all parents are able to ask for forgiveness. And perhaps you do not believe that your parent is capable of this and are silent. But by doing so, you deprive your parent and yourself, and therefore your offspring, of the chance for a new round of development.
Talk to your parents sincerely and honestly about your grievances. There is a lot of love in offense. Since we are offended only by those whom we love: "I love you very much, mom (dad), and that is why I am talking to you about the pain that is still alive in my soul. I want to forgive you, but I need yours. oncoming traffic, your request for forgiveness. " Yes, I know some parents cannot afford to ask their children for forgiveness. But the very fact that you said it can free your psyche from pain and from repeating a painful childhood scenario with your partner in adulthood.
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