SUFFERING AS A BACKGROUND OF LIFE. WHY IS AND WHAT TO DO

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Suffering - as a background of life, what is it and how was it formed? Of course, from childhood, but the thought immediately arises, because the person has grown up, childhood is over, live and be happy. But the background of the family system in which a person was brought up leaves its mark on adult life, that sometimes a person simply cannot understand why he is sad, sad, and when there is no obvious reason for this, something is immediately remembered that again causes these feelings …

It is not necessary to be born into a family of alcoholics, drug addicts, in order to forever absorb the love of suffering. What are the factors in the attitude of parents to a child that can shape the child's future life as suffering, but for no apparent reason:

UNSTABLE PARENTAL PSYCHE

One or both parents are in constant anxiety, emotional discomfort, when their mood changes frequently and abruptly for no apparent reason. Thus, the child does not receive the most important thing, he does not get a sense of security, because at this second the mother is joyful and hugs, and the next she says: - "I have no time for you, move away." Excessive suspiciousness and anxiety of parents - makes children the same + distrustful of the world and always waiting for a threat.

ALCOHOLISM OF PARENTS

In a family where there is an alcoholic, the whole life usually revolves around him, whether he came home or not, drunk or sober, he will knock on the window at night or not. In such an atmosphere, it is not the child that becomes the center of life, but the sick alcoholic - the parent, all life revolves around him. And the child grows up with the feeling that there is always someone more worthy of attention than him. Indeed, in his childhood system, the alcoholic parent has always deserved more attention.

NOT GETTING WISHED

When parents decide what to wear for the child, where to go, who to be friends with, etc. Nevertheless, from at least 6 years of age, the child can choose all this himself. It also happens that on his birthday he does not receive what he really wants, and this happens from time to time, and the birthday becomes not a favorite holiday. Growing up, for reasons unknown to himself, he continues to receive the wrong job, the wrong relationship, but he simply absorbed these sensations by systematic repetitions, and unconsciously they began to be reproduced in his adult life.

FITTING UNDER THE PARENTS

You need to be what your parents want so that you can receive a portion of love. If mom is not in the mood, then sit and be silent until it changes, if dad is unhappy that you came home late from the disco, then you definitely need to feel guilty, eat more, then mom will not be upset, go to the institute where I am I think it will be better for you, but wherever you want it is not prestigious, and so on. What is going on? The child learns to adapt to others, and consider his desires not important, well, how can you then not live in sadness for no reason?

BAN ON BAD MOOD

Unstable parents are unable to cope with their emotions and feelings. What happens then? They begin to prohibit the child from any of his emotional instability, because if you cannot cope with yours, then what to say about how to cope with the emotions of the child. The child is sad, something has gone wrong in school or friendship, but he knows that mom cannot be upset, she is already upset after work, and here I am. And when mom comes home from work, she sees a cheerful, happy child, who is really still sad, but doesn’t show it, then he learns to cry while mom is not at home, because unreacted feelings will still prevail since the child is not yet able to cope with them. So already an adult continues to wear a mask of good mood, but sadness does not disappear anywhere, it accumulates, and all feelings always want to be visible. Rejecting his feelings - a person rejects himself.

ENDLESS SENSE OF GUILT

It often happens when parents choose one of the methods of upbringing - ignoring the child. Whatever the child does, whether it is a really offense, or just decided to stay with friends for 15 minutes, mom or dad decide not to talk to him. For an hour, two, a day, three, a week, they just pretend that the child is not there, they talk dismissively, and they are very friendly with everyone, but not with you, and you sincerely don’t understand what you have done. For a child in childhood, a parent is God, but it turns out that God rejects you and pretends that you do not exist. You begin to feel guilty for everything, even for being born at all. Growing up, such a child finds himself a partner or friends, before whom he will always be guilty of something. GUILT is the first feeling that leads to the grave.

UNDERSTANDED SELF-ASSESSMENT OF PARENTS

Parents unconsciously convey to the child their own low self-esteem and the feeling that you are not worthy of the best by their behavior, by their phrases (but we are from the village, well, what can you take from us, you can't go to college without blat, we are beggars, if I were given a millionaire, since the teacher said so means correctly, etc.). The child learns not what you tell him, but what he hears and sees from you, how you behave with others, how you adjust to others, how you whine, but you don’t change anything in your life.

PHYSICAL PENALTIES

I think everything is clear here. By any blow, slap or slap on the head, the child reads that he is bad, helpless, because he cannot give back.

DO NOT DELIVER ME NEW PROBLEMS

There are such moms or dads who treat life as a problem and, if the child suddenly does something, or spoils it, what mom says, "You create new problems for me." In the psyche, a mechanism is being laid - I AM A PROBLEM. Which means in the future, a person will try in every possible way and everywhere not to create problems for anyone, but he will not stop creating them for himself, they will automatically arise in front of him and as if there is nowhere to create themselves. Hence, adjustment to others, problems with borders, and life with a stigma - FROM ME ONE PROBLEM is unlikely to be happy.

Is it possible to change something when you have grown up and understand that something is going wrong in your life, that you are not happy, that you are suffering and do not enjoy what is happening in your life

I think that can, but it will be a set of unusual actions, new models of behavior, attitudes towards oneself and the world. Often a person is ready to change and try everything only if he understands that everything cannot continue this way. Such a craving for suffering, sadness, longing, even if there is no specific reason developed over the years of childhood and imprinted in the psyche. That is, the psyche knows only such a background of life, constantly in anticipation of something bad, unforeseen, and if this is not there, then you can remember how you were offended in childhood, suffer because of a relationship that ended many years ago, and now it is familiar and familiar - alarm background. It will also take a lot of time and persistent conscious action to change. WHAT ACTIONS CAN BE TAKEN:

1. To admit that your parents could not give you anything else, they also adopted this system of "love" from their parents. They did not have psychological knowledge and did not even know that they were affecting you in this way. Forgive your parents. Accept them as they are, communicate on an equal footing, respecting your feelings and desires, and also notify your parents that you are unpleasant. For example, “Mom, I love you, but I don’t like it when you talk to me like that, I’m no longer a child and I myself am responsible for my life and consequences.
2. Accept that everything as it was in childhood and how it affected you ALREADY in the past and remained in childhood, and now you are an adult and are able to make choices about how to live, in anxiety and suffering, or enjoying life.
3. Begin to consciously change your behavior, you can copy the behavior of those people who you like and respect. Remember the master of his life is the one who chooses how to react to him and to what.
4. Change the system of views, beliefs, vision of the world.

The world is a safe place

I deserve the best

I love and accept myself as I am

I am valuable to the world

I can get what I want

1. Catching yourself in moments of complaints, whining and suffering. Say: - "I see you, this is just my learned reaction to the world from childhood." When we make feelings visible and acknowledge them, they cease to have power over us.
2. Form a circle of environment that can support, accept and love you as you are. Remember, I love those who love me and treat me well. And I do not like those who do not love me and treat me badly.
3. Re-establish contact with your inner parts. Become yourself a supportive, accepting, understanding and loving adult. Listen to your inner child and through him understand what I really want, give him permission to want and be what he is. And notify the criticizing parent that "I am good, and everything I do is good."

Whatever your childhood, no matter how you get used to living in suffering and sadness, there is always a chance to live at least one day, but happily. The external background will change when you begin to change, taking responsibility for your life on yourself, you will outgrow the offenses that your parents unknowingly caused you. Your condition, mood or reactions are not dependent on others. We choose how to react to the proposed circumstances, in childhood we had no choice, and we chose to survive in any way (to run away from our feelings, forbid ourselves to be, do what we want, endure, be offended, etc.), now that we are adults - WE HAVE A CHOICE !!!

Author: Darzhina Irina Mikhailovna