2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Somewhere in the world my ideal soul mate walks and wanders …
Do you know that adult toothy people can live their lives like this in search of "half"? At the same time, it does not matter at all who bowed or put her in this imperfect world, why he forced her to walk on it and why it is always at a distance of the horizon. No, everything is logical: the image of the ideal is blurred and does not tolerate clarifications, because the seeker has chosen for himself the position of an idealist. Sounds great if not for the side effects: when you try to touch, ideals burst like a soap bubble. Or melt like a mirage. What is closer to you? I don't like any of the options. In one - soap in the eyes, in the other - very thirsty. Experience sooner or later makes the path to an amazingly beautiful mirage unattractive
But it also happens otherwise. In fact, who knows what it is, reality, in fact. All the same, we perceive it through ourselves, creating images of it in our heads. What's wrong if the image is perfect? After all, he gives the other person the opportunity to become better. In our, that is, eyes. But he is not us, he is different. Sooner or later, he will not be able to play the role of an embodied mirage. And most likely, he will not want to even earlier. He has his own, the only life, which for the sake of playing with our ideals will have to be crossed out. And there will be no new one … Yes, and we will not develop alongside such an ideal, we will also be indignant. So real people are both more useful and interesting to us. But when there is an attitude towards idealization, communication with them is poor. After all, the idealist is used to dealing with his own fantasies. What kind of closeness is there with another, not to mention intimacy. Painful loneliness grows …
Despite the ephemerality of ideals, the propensity to create them can be recognized by very real signs. Here are some of them
The world is divided into black and white, people - into good and bad. The evaluation criterion is simple: what they did to us, they are. And the assessment itself is most often short, monosyllabic
Moralism rules. Everyone owes something, because it is necessary, otherwise it is not good. The world, as a rule, shows itself from the bad side and gets a deuce. Peace, sit down
You can't just leave a student with a low grade. It needs to be redone. Beloved person - to teach how it should be. To the world - to explain what will make it better. When both - both the person and the world - do not lend themselves to re-education, they are usually offended
Everyone should. To whom? An idealist, of course. Sometimes this is a requirement, but there may also be a positive expectation of big and pleasant surprises. However, the world is a bad one, so from time to time disappointment changes the pole of expectations to negative ones. At this time, all people are bastards, especially loved ones (on their own)
So, about loved ones.
The idealization of a partner is also noticeable for a number of signs. Of the specific - such, for example
One of the partners makes "childish" demands aloud or silently: unconditional love, care, recognition-attention. (Let's take into account that by themselves they may not be an indicator of maturity or immaturity of a relationship - only in combination with others)
Relationships in a couple are vertical, someone plays the role of "mother" or "father", the second - a child
One of the partners is markedly dominated by the "take" attitude. Sometimes it is veiled by the desire to "give", but only in the chosen format, regardless of the needs of the other partner
In a couple, there are problems with the realization of "adult" needs, of which sex is the most noticeable. (But this is a pretty accurate indicator)
In relationships, emotions such as resentment, irritation, anger, shame, and guilt take a significant place
It happens to me to observe and even to rule.
Here is Lena (let's call her that). Describes her husband as a successful businessman, intelligent, smart, handsome and interesting. She gets away from attempts at a more accurate description - they annoy her. At the same time, she cannot forgive her husband that he devotes too little time to caring for her and the children, gives too little money, does not show enough care when Lena is sick - and she is often sick. There is no trusting relationship in the couple, the dialogues are mainly in the list of claims declared by Lena and the husband's languid promises to "change." In Lena's story there is a lot of "he must understand …", "I don't understand how he can't …", "it's clear that …"
Sexual intimacy is casual, mostly when the husband drinks. In a sober state, he avoids sex, despite Lenin's requests to normalize the situation. She also cannot forgive him alcohol. In the assessments of the surrounding world and loved ones, the same polarity is noticeable with a predominance of discontent - in relation to one's parents, husband's relatives, his management and employees … Own contribution to relations with her husband is either denied or confirmed formally, without reference to specific actions and situations … Lena formulated a vague query: “I want to know myself better,” while all her activity boils down to trying to get a recipe out of me for what to do to change my husband, friends and relatives. Lena has not yet complied with any of the recommendations on her own behavior outside the consultations and is not interested in how she can change her own life.
Why is this happening?
It's not for nothing that I'm so smart about idealists. I was once one of them. It is perfectly normal that we idealize our parents and other elders - in childhood. This is absolutely necessary for us, while we are small and defenseless. But with age and maturation, reality more and more comes into its own. Mom and Dad, it turns out, are not omnipotent wizards, they also screwed up pretty well in the process of our upbringing. Friends sometimes fail, first love collapses. Parents who are not ideal, but wise, usually do not prevent their children from going down the path of disappointment. And they themselves carefully slide off the now unnecessary throne. But sometimes everything goes wrong and the path of de-idealization is closed.
Here are the reasons why this could happen
Parents are too good. They really stayed perfect. The native nest is too warm, and there is not the slightest desire to shake out of it in adulthood. Feelings of guilt or duty strengthen the leash. It is especially difficult when (and this is most often the case) the parent of the opposite sex is especially ideal. An adult child may not meet a partner who is as beautiful in his eyes as his own mom or dad
The parents are dead. The child simply did not have time to push them off the throne, and now they can stay there forever. In this case, the partner may be required to correspond to the role of an angel or saint. This option is also terrible in that the world, with the departure of the parents, can be perceived by the child as cruel - and the partner will also have to compensate for the injustice of the world
Parents have changed dramatically. Was a new baby born, was there a loss, a difficult divorce - and now the rake turned into a nuclear explosion. Not everyone is able to survive forced growing up out of time. The images of parents are split into new and old, "bad" and "good". The whole world is behind them. And there is a chance to spend life in search of that "good" that will return the child's sense of security
Parents protected the child from contact with the world, creating around him a kind of "golden cage" of their own attention, care, joy. In this case, the image of the world (and the future partner) formed by them turns out to be too far from reality for the child to be able to build his relationship without problems
Where is the exit?
Accepting your own maturity.
On this path, you will have to reconsider some of the attitudes that were fixed in childhood (this is unexpectedly pleasant), abandon the idea that someone will come and say the right thing, and do everything for us (this turns out to be nicer than it looked at first) and taste imperfection peace, for a start - a therapist (nothing pleasant, but the result is pleasing).
No.
There are no other ways.
Only grow up, take responsibility for your life and finally allow those around you to be who they are.
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