Why It Hurts So Much To Live Through Difficult Life Situations

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

80% of the problems of adulthood are rooted in the traumatic situations of our childhood.

The way we relate to ourselves, to people, how we react to situations of the world around us, how we feel in a team, in close relationships, how we experience painful situations, how we express ourselves in them - is primarily acquired in childhood

These painful situations and children's forms of response to them are recorded in our subconscious.

In order to comprehend how all this is acquired, and how much it affects us, we will briefly go through the periods when a person develops a sense of himself.

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At the very beginning, the child only learns to know the world, consciousness is the logical part of the mind, and others gradually form self-identification - "Who am I?"

And first, the child self-identifies with his desires, body sensations, needs, actions, his immediate external world.

That is, in the literal sense, the child does not yet separate himself from his actions.

Doesn't separate herself from her mother's chest, her clothes, and so on.

And therefore, what is quite normal for an adult (for example, that some thing is lost) is a trauma for a child. Ego's favorite toy is himself. He is experiencing the loss of a part of himself.

The development of its sensory part, the part that is responsible for sensations of the body, the logical part, the part that realizes itself as a person and all the rest - occurs gradually. And how the child will pass these childhood years of life - his adult life depends. It is in childhood that our self-identification is laid.

Let's consider the periods of how the child's self-identification is formed

First period.

From conception to birth and 3 months after birth.

The child is completely merged with the bodily sensations and emotional experiences of the mother. In the womb, all of him is he himself, along with the placenta, umbilical cord, amniotic fluid, pain and feelings of the mother.

Further after birth, although external conditions change, there is light, he breathes, now he receives nourishment from the mother's breast - the process of self-identification is not yet taking place.

During this period of life, our unconscious sense of security, trust in the world around us, is formed.

During this first period, it is desirable that the mother adjusts her rhythm of life to the child. She tunes in to feeling the child's physical desires (when he is hungry, drinking, hugging) and emotional needs.

Injuries occur when:

- Little physical contact with mom, affection, tenderness;

- Mom is absent for a very long time;

- There is no food (mom got sick or worried and “the milk was gone”);

- When a mother adjusts her interaction with the child to some kind of schedule, to her desires (if you want to eat - well, nothing, I will first rest for 15 minutes, then I will feed you);

- When a mother experiences strong emotions associated with a threat to life (global fear of reprisal, death, loss of herself, a child), as well as emotions associated with feelings of abandonment, loneliness, needlessness.

If the child, together with his mother, lived this period without significant upheavals, he grows up in full confidence in the world. He knows that some bad situations can and do happen, but he is quite calmly able to experience them and look into the future with a positive expectation. He has an unconscious background that the universe loves him, she cares about him, that the situations that arise are solvable.

If the child was injured during this period, then he as a whole unconsciously looks at the world with fear. The world around us is full of dangers. An incomprehensible future lies ahead and it causes fear. If big troubles happen in life, then he greatly shakes such a person, they can unsettle him for several days, or even weeks.

Second period

From 3 months to 1, 5 years. Awareness of their needs is formed.

Third period

From 8 months to 2, 5 years - identification of borders and autonomy.

Only from 3 months does the time begin - when the child's self-identification begins to form.

The child learns to be aware of his physical sensations, his desires, his emotions, his needs for knowledge of the world, interest in objects of the surrounding world.

First, the child crawls and learns the world through his hands, feet and mouth - he touches everything, probes and takes in his mouth - trying to feel the taste, hardness, consistency.

He learns to be aware of bodily sensations - “I want to poop? I want to eat? I'm cold? etc.

Later - learns to be aware of their emotions.

During this period, the mother can already teach the child that his basic needs and desires (to eat, drink, hug …) can not be satisfied immediately. And if the child lived well in the previous period, then he is inclined to trust the universe (mother), and he is quite ready to endure and wait for some time for his needs to be satisfied. He is hungry, but mom is busy right now - nothing, he informs about his need and waits until she is free, and will approach him.

If in the first period he was injured, then with his crying and other movements he will show his need - to want them to be satisfied immediately. He will be angry when he does not receive a momentary response from his mother to his cry.

First, he will demand it - outwardly expressing his demands. Demand because he is afraid that if he is not fed now, he may not be fed for a long time (once his mother left him for half a day alone).

And it's good if the mother first meets the child's needs as quickly as possible. And then gradually tames him to wait.

But this is not always the case. Parents are often annoyed by the crying of a child. And they send anger at him, expressing in screams.

And if this is constantly repeated, the child may experience trauma associated with the expression of his needs. “I can't express my needs. You have to wait until they pay attention to me."

All this falls into the stereotype of behavior at an unconscious level.

Having received such an injury, an adult will have problems expressing his needs and desires. Without realizing it, a person expects that the people around them themselves (with some supersensitive abilities) will guess what he wants.

The trauma is so deep and strong that a person weakly and rarely expresses his desires, subconsciously expecting that the world around him will do it for him.

From 8 months onwards, it is time to be actively aware of your boundaries. Closer to 2 years - and its autonomy from the objects of the surrounding world.

Kids love to enclose their mini corner - to feel their possession of some part of the world around them.

And if, for example, parents during this period suppressed any desire of the child to separate and play themselves somewhere in a corner, or in a sandbox, or overly controlled the child's behavior - they completely invaded the child's territory, then for such a person, when he becomes an adult - there will be certain norms of behavior associated with this injury.

For example, he will not be aware of his boundaries. Where is mine and where is someone else's. And this will be reflected in his behavior in the physical world, in his relationships and other areas of life.

Another example. A person will constantly climb into other people's boundaries:

- Rearrange something at work in a common area without asking other employees;

- Give advice where no one asked him;

- Make other people do what they don't need to do at all;

- Emotionally pushing a person into something

etc.

For such a person it is “normal” that he “climbs” into other people's boundaries, simply because in childhood his parents completely invaded his boundaries. He generally does not feel the framework of his boundaries as a person, and therefore does not feel the framework of the boundaries of the people around him.

The fourth period

From 2 to 4 years old. Will, control and strength are formed.

In this period, the ability to make a choice is formed. To act and have the strength to realize your choice.

Trauma occurs when parents prevent a child from making choices. And then the child refuses to recognize his impulses - his desires.

Depending on the time period of growing up and the form of the trauma received, an adult will have DIFFERENT problems with the choice and realization of their real needs and desires.

That is, the same external form of parental suppression (in response to words, crying, other methods of communication and messages about his desires, the child received in response either a cry, or ignorance, or punishment, or beatings), in different periods of the child's development - gives different consequences for him.

For example, injuries sustained as a result of oppression by parents in the same age period result in the fact that a person, on an unconscious level, considers himself not entitled to “have” desires.

And then such a person, as a rule, has little material in his life. He kind of escapes from the real world. At the subconscious level, he simply does not have the right to "have" a lot.

Injuries received in a different age period give a consequence that a person on an unconscious level feels his right to HAVE desires, but does not feel the right to EXPRESS them - to inform other people. And he either expresses them quietly, imperceptibly, or once, or in general phrases, not concretely, or not persistently.

For example. The wife expects her husband to give her an armful of red hybrid tea roses on March 8th. Resentment and anger emerge.

Every time the wife gets angry at her husband that he gives an armful of ordinary red roses.

At the same time, the very fact of anger is so unconscious that it seems to be a background.

I'm angry … I'm angry - I don't quite understand. To which - too. And accordingly, there is no action - to tell her husband which roses she wants to see for herself as a gift. Naturally, it would never even occur to her husband that when his wife once said that she liked “red roses”, then it was a question of a specific type of roses, namely hybrid tea.

Another way to get injured is making an imaginary choice. When parents provide "choice without choice." The child is sometimes asked what he wants, but after that the child always receives in response a message like: "It's too early for you!", "Nothing, we lived without it!", "It's empty!" You never know what you want, I also want a lot of things "," We can't afford it."

And then, at the unconscious level, the setting is laid - "You never know what I want, I will say it, but I will not get it EVERYTHING." Naturally, this attitude in adult life, to put it mildly, tunes a person into a pessimistic mood, and gives the consequence that a person values himself low.

For example, he works at work, he is a highly qualified specialist, but he cannot stand up for himself in any way in order to demand a decent salary from his superiors. If the injury is serious, then it is not even that he cannot demand - he has problems in order to simply report it. A person does not take any action simply because he DOES NOT BELIEVE that his request will be met. That he will get what he wants.

Also, injuries in this period can arise due to situations when parents provide options for the child, not wondering whether he understands what exactly he chooses, or in general - whether the child at this age is able to realize the options.

For example. The girl is 2 years old. One walks with dad around the city. And asks him - let's eat ice cream. They walk up to an unfamiliar stall where they have never bought ice cream before. There are 9 types of ice cream - with different fillings. Dad asks: “What do you want? With pistachio filling, or with orange jam, or is this purple?"

At this time, the girl freezes and stands with a tense expression on her face. The father, not noticing the daughter's reactions and standing for a minute, says: "If you can't choose, then let's move on." And takes her daughter away from the ice cream stand.

The father judged the situation from his adult side: “If you want, then you know what. And if you can't choose, then you didn't want to."

For a 2-year-old daughter, this selection process is extremely difficult. She never tasted pistachio ice cream, orange jam, purple ice cream, or the other 6 ice cream. If I choose the first option, I will discard the other 8 options. What if this first option will not be as tasty as something among those remaining. How can I judge that the first option is better than the other options?

For a 2-year-old daughter, the option of choosing even between two options is moderately difficult, although she is quite capable of this choice. The choice between 3 options is many times more difficult.

But the choice of one of the 9 options - we will not decide. All 9 options are unknown. If I choose one of them, I can lose something significant that was in others. Great fear of losing something important.

And if situations like this are repeated in the child's life, and the parents do not notice the difficulties of choosing a child, then from the repeated repetition of a situation that has not been resolved by the result, a trauma associated with the choice appears in the child.

Growing up such a person will be inclined, before making any choice, to think it over many times, then think it over again, and again, and so many times

If the subject of choice is essential, then such a person can hang in the form of a choice for weeks or even months.

Opportunity to lose: choosing the WRONGER option, due to the fact that having made a choice in favor of one option, you CAN LOSE a much better one.

And how to evaluate this BEST option is difficult for a person. How to find it, to understand among several options - it is extremely difficult for a person with this.

It is so difficult that often he … does not choose anything at all. Thus, the usual model of behavior: "thinking" what to choose, and then there are no actions, due to the lack of a choice made.

The ideal choice for such a person is when the choice is between two clear options.

When the trauma associated with this period of childhood choice formation is very great, then such a person lives in a binary format of consciousness

Black or white. Right or left. Either this or that. Either yes or no.

There are no intermediate options for humans. No shades.

It is difficult for such a person to understand various states, different from the extreme ones.

For example, it is difficult for him to understand how this other person can experience SEVERAL different feelings at the same time. It is difficult for him to understand how it is - "I love you and I am angry with you." You: either you love or you are angry. And if you are angry, then you don’t love.

Fifth period

From 3 to 6 years old. The period of the formation of the concept of relationships and love

At this age, the child falls in love with parents of the opposite sex. The girl goes to dad. The boy goes to the mother. Children can even imagine themselves as the husband / wife of their mom / dad.

Trauma of this age occurs when parents do not understand this process in the development of the child.

For example, a mother begins to feel this love and, seeing that her husband has more positive feelings for her daughter than for her, she begins to be jealous of her daughter for her husband.

Jealousy can lead to serious rivalry - for the attitude of men towards them.

This then lies in the subconscious mind in the stereotype of understanding love - that love needs to be fought for, that love can be obtained only in the process of winning from another person. If the injury is serious, then such a girl in adolescence, without realizing it, will strive to beat off guys and girlfriends, then throwing them. Repeating the situation over and over again.

Or, there may be such an option that the mother, feeling unhappy and seeing that her daughter is competing with her for the relationship to her husband, can physically and / or emotionally punish her daughter in a fit of jealousy.

Then the child gets another trauma: "It is dangerous to express your love!" And if the injury is serious, then such a girl, when she grows up, seeing a man she likes, will not express her sympathy for him in any way, or will express it very little. Which will lead to the fact that a man will think that he is not interesting to such a woman.

Or there will be a different situation, for example, a girl will always wait that the other person must first of all show himself, his love towards her for a long time, and only then, and only then, will she give something in return.

In various forms of manifestation of the traumas of this period (the formation of the concept of love), children's forms of this not fully lived love will appear. Children's form - when in a relationship a person unconsciously expects a parental form of love from a partner, waits for everything, and does not receive it in any way. Because a partner is not a parent.

During this period, it is good if the parents:

- Notice the child's love;

- And they direct their efforts not to suppress these first forms of expression of children's love - but to redirect them to their peers.

Then the child finds a form of manifestation of his love in a peer-to-peer relationship.

Sixth period

From 6 to 12 years old. The period of formation of solidarity and opinion in the group (community)

During this period, the child wants to belong to a group, to experience feelings of community, belonging, and so on.

If a child receives injuries from parents at an age close to 6-7 years, then he has

at an unconscious level, the following setting is postponed:

if I behave, think and feel - like everyone else, then I have the right to belong to this group.

If a child receives injuries from his parents at the age close to 11-12 years, then such a child unconsciously postpones the following setting:

if I behave cool, strong - only then I am worthy and have the right to belong to this group.

Accordingly, if the injuries from parents received at this age are very strong, then such a person in adulthood has problems with being in a certain social group of people.

For example, a person will always unconsciously belittle himself in success so as not to stand out (setting to be like everyone else).

Another example: when a person gets into a group, he will try to become one of the leaders - formal and / or de facto, and if he fails to become such, he leaves it.

If the parents were quite sensitive to their children at this age, and allowed them to freely express themselves in various groups, talked to them, if necessary - gave hints, understanding why this or that way is arranged and occurs in some microsociety - then such the child will grow up psychologically healthy.

He, as an adult, will be able to easily find exactly that group, community, which coincides with his own interests and needs. Also, he will not be afraid to show himself in her as he is, somewhere to take the initiative, somewhere - to give to other people of this group, somewhere to stand out, somewhere to be like everyone else. And all these states will be natural for him, he will calmly move through them, depending on his current desires and tasks.

As a result

If something from the article resonated for you, situations from your life are not being resolved in any way, and you now began to understand that the roots of these current problems are in childhood, do not rush to blame your parents for everything.

In real life, dad and mom do not always have that time, that understanding, that attentiveness to us that we, as children, needed so much.

They, too, had their own unresolved problems, which were draining their time and energy.

Because of this, they were not completely happy, and therefore could not give everything that we needed.

But no matter how difficult our childhood was, everything can be changed.

The task of an adult, if he wants to live a full, joyful and free life: to realize, accept and get rid of these traumas - at the subconscious level and at the conscious level.