Sexual Exclusivity Or Why Cheating Hurts So Much

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Natalia Olifirovich

Psychologist, Family Therapist, Gestalt Therapist

It turned out that they have an open marriage. ("Of course, at the suggestion of a handsome husband," a thought crept in). The initiator of the open relationship was, to my surprise, my wife. In their pair, she was sexually active, insatiable, hungry for adventure and passion. Her husband, a techie to the core, lived under the motto "If only the lapula was good." Once a year and a half, she met a new man, started a romance, lived the entire candy-bouquet period and passionate sex - which she told her husband about in detail. But the ardor faded away, it became boring - and she beautifully left her lover, referring to her unwillingness to hurt her other half.

The husband lived, worked, loved his wife and accepted with all desires and whims. He had never rebuked her during the years of her marriage. But then one day, three years before the events described, he went on a business trip for a whole month. And a week later I called my wife, saying for the first time that he wanted to take advantage of an open marriage.

The wife was very happy and said - of course, not a question! In the morning he called her back, dryly reported that everything was very good and there was nothing special to tell. She giggled sweetly, asked questions - "how is she", "and who is better", "and what is her figure" - and received very restrained stingy answers. And after half an hour she was covered … She began to represent this woman. Think about her. Compare yourself to an imaginary rival. The more she thought, the more beautiful the mysterious stranger became, and the paler, more boring and more ordinary she looked … By evening everything became really bad. She asked to send her a photo, tell about her, give a link to her profile on social networks. She was in a panic.

After my husband returned from a business trip, the intensity did not abate. On the contrary, she wanted more and more details. The husband is tired of this stress. Six months later, she developed eczema - as the doctors said, against a background of stress. She gained 25 kg. She stopped looking after herself. She became obsessed with one thought.

Do you know which one?

He does not love me!

And this once beautiful and now dilapidated couple sat in front of me. The husband cried and asked: "What did I do wrong? Why are you punishing me?" And my wife also cried and repeated one phrase: "I had no idea that it hurts so much … It hurts so insanely …"

My husband was not hurt. Quite closed and distant, he did not understand subtle emotional impulses, did not read poetry, did not bake a cake on March 8th. He made money, built a house, gave her cars and allowed "little whims" in response to minimizing requirements that were impossible for him - a lot of communication, a lot of passion, vivid sex with the realization of crazy fantasies … But he had no idea that the agreement worked one way. And now, three years later, he continued to repeat: "I love you," and she, not listening to him, looked at me and asked: "Is it possible to love me like that? A fat woman? A patient? He is deceiving me, otherwise he would never have looked to another woman."

I confess I was very confused. Even the answers to the question "What do you expect from our work" were different. She wanted peace and not to be so painful. He wanted everything to be the same.

But as before, after betrayal does not happen. Never. Because after cheating, you always build a relationship from scratch. From a new point. Even if it seems to you that you have “forgiven everything”, that “it happens”, that “everyone is changing”. Even if you have an open marriage and you kind of control treason, because it is legalized, at this point you cannot remain indifferent. Because betrayal is the removal of energy from the couple, it is a thinning of the connection, it is the breaking of the threads that tied you.

The couple left without hearing each other, despite my best efforts. It looks like my wife's wound has not healed with scars for 3 years. And although common sense said that "but yourself!", Nothing worked in this pair. Nothing. Not my explanations. No empathy. No understanding. Six months later, the participant who sent them to me said that his wife had filed for divorce. The wife refused to go to personal therapy. She was simply encapsulated in her grief. She didn't let anyone inside.

Cheating as a violation of uniqueness

Why? Why did this happen and is happening? Why is cheating in close relationships still so traumatic, crippling, disorganizing people?

The answer is simple. We all want to be unique to someone. For mum. For Dad. For a girl from kindergarten. For the first teacher. For a friend. For the beloved.

But almost always a third appears in the dyad - a brother or sister, another boy or girl, another man or woman … And all our life we want, we ask, we plead to be unique or unique in something - and for this very we do a lot. We behave well. We study well. We try to make money, cook borscht, swing biceps, lose weight, dress fashionably - just so that we are not rejected, abandoned, left in bitter and hopeless loneliness.

The pain of rejection was experienced by everyone - famous and rootless, rich and poor, young and not so. How exactly Marina Tsvetaeva noted this:

Yesterday I looked into my eyes

And now - everything looks sideways!

Yesterday I sat before the birds, -

All larks today are crows!

I'm stupid and you're smart

Alive, and I'm dumbfounded.

Oh, the cry of women of all time:

"My dear, what have I done to you ?!"

… I will ask a chair, I will ask a bed:

"For what, for what do I endure and suffer?"

Kissed - to wheel:

Kiss the other , - they answer …

As soon as we are preferred to someone, we are faced with the fact that we lose part of our I. That part that arose and developed precisely in these relationships. What we were building as a couple. What arose between us as a result of numerous exchanges of warmth, tenderness, sexuality, passion, confirmation that the other is important, meaningful, loved.

Oftentimes, the cheated client feels devastated. As if a part of his soul, his trust in people and in the world, his naivety disappeared with betrayal.

Interestingly, "being committed" has two meanings. "To be faithful" means to be faithful. And "being betrayed" is when someone betrayed you. Two words have different meanings. Betrayal has a wide context and is always associated with disappointment, violation of fidelity, default on obligations. It destroys the world built by months and years of relationships. It inflicts deep wounds that sometimes never heal.

Real and fantasy cheating

We live in a world of potential betrayal every hour, every minute, every second. Otto Kernberg states that "there are potentially six persons in the same bed in the fantasy: the couple themselves, their respective unconscious Oedipal rivals, and their respective unconscious Oedipal ideals." That is, even when it seems to you that you are just the two of you, there is no, no, and then an unrealistically beautiful girl flashes for whom, of course, your partner can exchange you, then the Other is an ideal man with whom you would definitely be better, than with a partner. But there is a difference between fantasy and reality - and someone, realizing that there are other men and women in the world, remains faithful to their partner, and someone does not …

I will give one more quote from Otto Kernberg: "To the eternal questions" What does a woman want? " women Women, due to the inevitable change of the primary object, want a man to combine paternal and maternal roles, and want to see in him a father, a little boy, a twin brother and an adult sexual man. At various stages, both men and women may have a desire to play homosexual relationships or switch sexual roles in an attempt to overcome the boundaries between the sexes, which inevitably limit narcissistic satisfaction in sexual intimacy - a passionate desire for the complete fusion of the love object with the Oedipal and pre-Oedipal elements. which can never be embodied. "Thus, a couple can unconsciously support the invasion of a third person who will maximally embody the ideal for one and the rival for the other. Complex interweaving of unconscious motives and desires, the possibility of various identifications both destroy and enrich the life of a couple. So, the pain of betrayal can also be accompanied by the pleasure of identifying with a cheating partner who has a person of the same sex as a competitor. whether not to paint what happened by the minute. In this situation, there is also the possibility of identifying with your competitor / rival, which your partner chooses, experiencing triumph associated with the fact that you are preferred over another. Quite different feelings, identifications and fantasies can be present at the same time.

Feelings when cheating

But no matter how we rationalize, no matter how we defend ourselves - they say, I don't care, or "we agreed", or "I know everything," betrayal is always a violation of a contract of love. It doesn't matter if it was signed or not. But when this violation becomes obvious, the deceived partner experiences a whole range of feelings. He can:

1. Get very angry, go into a rage in an attempt to protect and defend their space, their relationships. Possible meetings with a rival, calls, sms-ki, coming to work and various destructive actions. I remember how one intelligent lady, having learned about her husband's betrayal, with the dexterity of Sherlock Holmes figured out her rival and came to her house. When she did not open the door, a decent and restrained wife set the door rug on fire with a lighter, began to shout that she would burn such (… obscene language …). The rival opened the door, and the heroine grabbed her hair, dragged her into the apartment and beat her. As a result, the husband left anyway, the wife could not explain her impulse, but spoke about him with visible pleasure.

2. Get offended, upset, experience severe psychological pain. Sometimes, from this pain, the deceived party can become physically ill. We remember Mitscherlich's two-echelon line of defense. At the beginning of the crisis, the first line of defense is turned on, and the person tries to cope with the help of exclusively psychic means at the psychosocial level: with the help of ordinary social interaction, communication, dialogue, clarification; then with the help of protective mechanisms; further - with the help of neurotic personality development. If the first line of defense does not work and it is not possible to cope with psychic means, the defense of the second echelon is activated - somatization. Otto Kernberg distinguishes another, third level of protection - psychotic symptom formation. Everyone copes in their own way: someone is just trying to negotiate, someone is somatized, and someone really goes into psychosis.

3. Feel guilty: "So something is wrong with me", "So I did something wrong." This is self-accusation, auto-aggression, an attempt to change the vector of just anger directed at the opponent from him to yourself. This allows you to save your partner, save him from his own destructive rage, and preserve the relationship.

4. Experience burning shame: "They cheat on me - I will become a laughing stock to everyone, what people think." Shame often leads to the fact that a person tries to hide what is happening, "does not take dirty linen in public," keeps a family secret and suffers alone. Often people after betrayal isolate themselves from communication, fearing publicity, shame, accusations.

5. Get discouraged in the partner and in the relationship in general: "It's not worth the effort - sooner or later, everything gets spoiled."

We know that all feelings are objectified, that is, they are directed at some object - living or deceased, real or virtual person. And feelings of cheating can be addressed to three objects - oneself, a partner and a rival / rival. And when betrayal occurs, all these feelings are actualized, and it is important to understand them so as not to break the wood.

The cheating partner also experiences a variety of feelings and experiences. In addition to excitement, fear, shame, he can experience pain, sadness, hopelessness, identifying with his deceived partner.

Good relationship as a couple

Relationships in a couple are difficult to build. For them to take shape, a number of conditions must be met.

1. Choosing the right person who matches your values, ideals, aspirations.

2. Willingness to build and develop deep, long-term relationships, taking responsibility.

3. The development of intimacy, intimacy, including the formation of the boundaries of a couple, capable of "not passing" aggressive and destructive impulses of the surrounding systems and groups (parental families and society as a whole) aimed at destroying it.

4. The ability to withstand the frustration associated with the initial idealization of the partner, and real conflicts in the couple, caused both by their early relationships with their parents, and by differences in views on different, including sexual, spheres.

5. The presence of a sexual relationship in which existing sexual conflicts between unconscious desires and aspirations and the real capabilities of partners can be resolved.

If a couple has been in a relationship for many years, intimacy in sexual relations is either strengthened or broken due to the activation of certain unconscious scenarios. Otto Kernberg writes that such scenarios are based on dissociative behavior and are very specific due to the fact that desires are intertwined with fears in them. Partners can begin to act out such scenarios, and if there is more aggression than love, the love relationship is destroyed, even if the couple tries to resist destructive impulses.

Roman Polanski's film Bitter Moon (1992) tells the story of a couple, Oscar and Mimi. They met on the bus, there are 20 years of difference between them, but passion erases all boundaries and boundaries. But over time, their love affair from frantically passionate is transformed into an ordinary boring union. Oscar begins to distance himself from Mimi and seek new sensations, while Mimi tries to keep him. Oscar subtly humiliates Mimi, cheats on her, makes her have an abortion, after which the girl becomes sterile. Finally, Oscar tricks Mimi into leaving for another country. Two years later, he has an accident and is in the hospital. Mimi comes to him, and, taking advantage of his helpless state, throws her former lover out of bed. Oscar is seriously injured, after which he is paralyzed. Mimi begins to take care of him, putting Oscar in a position of complete dependence.

In a couple, a sado-maso relationship is formed, in which Mimi continues to brutally take revenge on Oscar: she has sex with her black lover within earshot of Oscar, constantly spends time at parties and returns home either late at night or in the morning. Mimi gives Oscar a loaded pistol for his birthday, hinting that it is time for him to shoot himself. At the same time, the couple is kept together and even formalizes their relationship. They become husband and wife, although their love has long been destroyed under the influence of aggressive and destructive impulses.

On the ship, Oscar and Mimi are met by a couple of Englishmen who have lost their ardor - Nigel and Fiona. Mimi involves them in her game. She invites Nigel to become her lover, then refuses him and spends a night of love with his wife Fiona. At the end of the film, Oscar kills Mimi and himself with the pistol she donated.

What to do

Working with a married couple in a situation of infidelity involves:

1. Revealing ideas about the current situation in each of the spouses. It is important that everyone speaks up and is heard. The spouses 'opinions can be radically different, so at this stage it is important to focus the spouses' attention only on facts.

2. Description of the situation of betrayal with the depth and with the details that partners need. The therapist needs to know what each participant in therapy wants: to restore or end the marital relationship. If a couple came to try to revive their relationship, it is important for the therapist to understand:

3. Clarification of how each of the spouses experiences this event, what feelings and emotions it evokes. At this stage, you need to give partners the opportunity to tell each other about their claims and grievances, while avoiding mutual insults and accusations. You can invite them to use the technique of self-statements, focusing their attention on their own feelings, for example: "When I found out about the betrayal, I felt humiliated and insulted. Everyone around me already knew about this, it seemed to me that they despise me. I was angry and cried … And screamed at her husband … ". It is important that the therapist has the skills of empathic reflection, empathic confirmation, reformulating the behavior of each partner through the lens of attachment theory. The therapist goes from secondary feelings to primary ones, helping the couple to realize the need for intimacy, love, and reliability of the partner.

4. Helping spouses to become aware of how they have become involved in a destructive cycle of interaction. The description of cyclic (circular) sequences in interaction allows you to get away from the search for "right" and "guilty".

Cheating characterizes an imbalance in the family system. People have a need to balance the positive aspects of family life through mutual care, support, love. But the same need exists in situations of harm, damage, deception or betrayal.

When a change occurs, the system becomes imbalanced, and in order to restore balance, both the victim and the culprit must suffer and lose something. The victim is often resentful and angry, obsessed with plans for revenge, etc. However, "balancing" the system by retaliatory betrayal is not a good way out of the situation. “Forgiveness” of the guilty person is also a bad way out, since in the Christian tradition the Lord forgives. Thus, a partner with his "forgiveness" can cause a new imbalance in the system and lead to a regular reminder at the slightest sins that "you have been forgiven, and you …". The “unforgiveness” of the partner leads to the fact that the love between the spouses dies, and they inflict more pain on each other. Therefore, if spouses want to stay together, both aggression and generosity are needed to maintain their relationship. Aggression lies in the fact that the victim should receive compensation for treason, generosity - in causing the guilty partner less damage than he caused the victim.

This idea is analyzed in detail in systemic-phenomenological psychotherapy: “… after an atrocity, the victim is rarely unarmed. the right to be angry with another (G. Weber, 2007, p. 24).

5. Accompanying partners in deciding on the possibility of maintaining the relationship and, if they wish not to destroy the family, assistance in concluding a new marital agreement.

If the spouses decide to stay together, it is necessary to discuss what compensation the deceived partner requires. For example, it can be the option of giving up some hobby or getting involved in family affairs, buying some thing, redistributing family responsibilities for a certain period.

Example. The wife was on maternity leave for 3 years. She was completely occupied with the house and the child. Going to work, she found out that her husband was cheating on her with her colleague. After scandals and threats, the couple asked for help. It took a long time to react, explain and reconcile. As compensation, the wife put forward several conditions. The husband had to take the child to the garden, pick him up from the garden and pay his wife a year and a half courses in family therapy. An agreement was reached, and the couple restored good relations after a certain period.

Working with a couple presupposes a rather serious and deep study of both the experiences associated with betrayal and the destructive cycle of interaction that led to it. Restoring trust is a lengthy and non-linear process that requires significant emotional "investment" from each partner.

There are universal factors contributing to the restoration of relationships in a couple who have experienced cheating:

Will love, attacked by hate survive

The answer to Otto Kernberg's question - "Will love, attacked by hatred, survive?" Is different. Cheating is also a manifestation of aggression, sometimes unconscious, sometimes unconscious. Cheating is the formation of a triad, from which the former partner is excluded or ends up on the periphery. Treason is a story about betrayal, about rejection, about the collapse of hopes, about deception and pain, about resentment and anger.

In any couple where there is love, passion, warmth, tenderness, there is also rage, anger, irritation - what we call "aggression." Love is the desire to merge with the Other, to become a single whole, to transcend beyond the limits of your body and your Self. Aggression is the desire to defend freedom, to be independent and independent. How the balance of these forces develops in a pair, what is more at one time or another, will the partners be able to understand that the Other is unique, that the desire to possess him and at the same time destroy him will surely face the fact that it cannot be replaced by anyone else - this is part of their pair speakers.

There are couples who survived betrayal and built new relationships. Relationship from a new point. From a new place. Mourned disappointment. Survivors of pain. Those who admitted their guilt. Endured resentment. These couples stayed together.

There are couples who live in chronic lies. In illusions. In deception. Couples who again and again experience the destructive cycle of "betrayal - conflict - reconciliation - episode of approach - distance - betrayal." They stay together, because for them love is always associated with pain, it is always "on the edge", and for one of the couple, anything - shame, anger, resentment - is still much more bearable than loneliness and rejection.

There are couples who have compromised. Closing their eyes to adultery. Calling themselves "polyamores", "cuckolds", "couples with a free relationship." They have their own reasons, their own stories, their own values. They decided not to experience pain, assuming that loyalty is a priori impossible, and did everything to put their heart in an armor impenetrable for jealousy.

Everyone decides this story in their own way - the story of fidelity-infidelity in a love relationship. Perhaps humanity will soon move to a new level of development, build that very ideal society where people will be free and happy.

But I am sure that even then there will be those who want their partner to be only their partner. So that his hands do not touch someone else's body. So that the lips do not kiss other lips and do not whisper tender words to anyone else. So that they are the very unique and inimitable, the only and beloved for each other.

Because deep down in our partnership, we all want this.

Exclusivity.

List of sources used:

1. "Two kinds of happiness. System-Phenomenological Psychotherapy by Bert Hellinger "- Gunthard Weber;

2. "Relationships of love. Norm and pathology" - Otto F. Kernberg;

3. Olifirovich, N. I. Family secrets in the work of a psychologist: a system-analytical approach: Monograph / N. I. Olifirovich. - Minsk: BSPU, 2015.-- 324 p.