Should I Blame My Parents?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Parents are not chosen. The experience of living in a parental family leaves an imprint on the life of each of us. I have long been accustomed to the feeling that phantoms of their dads and moms are present in the office at psychotherapeutic meetings with my patients. Yes, parents make mistakes, sometimes fatal ones. Is there any reason to blame them for this? The answer to this question can be formulated quickly and clearly, but understanding it can take a lifetime. My quick answer for the readers is this. Don't blame your parents. In doing so, keep them and yourself accountable. I propose to talk about this responsibility.

Let me give you an example. Let's say you are a person with high intelligence, who considers himself to be a dumbass. Your father often called you stupid, thereby instilling a corresponding self-attitude into the soul of his son. Should you blame your father? Blaming can help you feel better because it releases your anger. But the past cannot be changed and what happened cannot be corrected. Regardless of whether you blame your father or not, you will not change your opinion of yourself until you accept the fact that only the father is responsible for his attitude towards you, and you are responsible for believing him all these years.

On some, perhaps ordinary day, you will realize, you will understand that your father was simply wrong. And that will be the day you really change. Changes take place at the point of acceptance and sharing of responsibility: your parents are responsible for their mistakes, and you (not them!) are responsible for correcting the harm caused by these mistakes.

The reality is more complicated than the given example. Unfortunately, most of us go through a period of blaming our parents before we can change the negative impact of their mistakes on our self-attitude. I will say more. Many of this majority do not even get to the point of accusations. Elements of a self-limiting, negative attitude towards oneself are very tenacious in the souls of people. It happens that the experience of a lifetime and the compassion, support and love received from other people are not enough to neutralize this poison.

HOW TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS

I invite readers to check themselves on the following three points.

1) Is it natural for you to treat yourself with love and care?

If your answer is yes, congratulations! You can move on to the next question.

If your answer is “No,” then most likely you did not have time to receive enough love. Most likely, this deficit stretches from childhood and may be associated with parents, with some kind of disturbance in emotional and physical closeness with them. You may not feel very angry about this because of the habit of considering yourself useless, worthless, unnecessary, or unloved, because of the belief that you are the problem.

What to do?

Seize every opportunity to receive and appropriate love, support, compassion, respect, and affection: everything you need so much. Receive these treasures from different people, not only from your spouse's friends, children, but from any person you meet on your life's journey and looks at you with a kind look.

What can you expect?

Once you have received enough love, you will eventually begin to love yourself. Then you will likely start feeling angry with your parents and will be ready to move on to # 2.

2) Do you find it a good idea to blame your parents?

If your answer is “No,” congratulations! You can move on to the next question. (Important! If you avoid blaming your parents because of the feeling of guilt that arises, it really means that you are answering "Yes" to the question posed. The child's guilt is a topic for another conversation.)

If your answer is "Yes", then you can try all the ways available to you to implement this idea. Don't stop blaming your parents until all your anger is gone.

How exactly do you do this?

Let yourself sink into your anger at your parents! Feel and articulate all the grievances and formulate the anger associated with them into specific words. Even if it looks like hysterics, let it be. You have the right to do this and you can do it. But the following is very important. There is no need to personally tell the parents. Firstly, because those people who made mistakes once are no longer there. Now they are completely different dad and mom: old, tired, somewhat changed. Sometimes they are no longer alive. Secondly, because the parents' response to your resentment and anger is not important. It is a hundredfold more important to pour out, to react with anger. Find a way out for him, making sure that during your expression, you do not physically harm yourself or anyone else. Except for this caution, don't hold back! Most people do it all on their own at home alone, in their cars, with the radio playing loudly. Someone implements this with a close friend or in psychotherapy. Your goal should be to express all your anger as quickly as you can.

What can you expect?

Eventually, usually after a few weeks or months, you will notice that your anger has finally disappeared. Then you will be ready to make real changes in your life, and you can move on to the next, final point.

3) Do I understand that only parents are responsible for the mistakes they made in the past in relation to me?

Do I agree that only I am responsible for correcting the consequences of parental errors?

If your answer to any of these questions is “No,” go back to 1) or 2).

If both of your answers are “Yes,” sit back, relax, and make a list of all the real changes you are now ready and able to make in your adult life.

If you are more or less clear on how to arrive at the intended changes, then you are in great shape!

If changes seem difficult or impossible to you, then you probably lied to yourself about one of the first two points.

I am convinced that talking to someone about negative feelings towards parents, we do not break any commandments and do not betray our parents. Negative feelings in no way cancel or devalue our kind attitude and respect for moms and dads. On the contrary, in recognizing, expressing and responding to resentment, anger and fear (which is most convenient to do in the process of psychotherapy), it can bring relationships with parents to a higher quality, positive level.

I hope that readers will forgive me for being somewhat categorical in this article. When writing the text, clarity in the formulation of ideas was more important to me than diplomacy.