How To Choose "your" Man?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is a saying: “it is difficult to choose a husband in a child, a horse in a foal and a watermelon in a skin”. However, we make the unconscious choice of a husband when we ourselves are a child. Already in childhood, we are attracted to boys with a certain set of qualities. We make our choices based on our own and parenting experience. And this experience determines our early decisions about what OUR man should be, how he should relate to us, to himself, to other people. And often this choice is directed against ourselves.

We are ruled by the Inner Child. Therefore, adults often commit rash acts, seemingly contrary to common sense.

Practical example. The client is in long-term therapy. Permission from client to publish excerpt from therapy session received, name changed.

Lena is the heroine of the article Should I live with my husband “for the sake of the children”? is under stress. As you know, divorce ranks second after the death of a loved one on the stress scale. And the developing relationship with her new young man, Artem, is also stressful, albeit positive.

Lena has an internal conflict. She wants a divorce and still doubts that this is the right decision.

- As if some kind of force is keeping me with my husband. I take him as my own. How can you part with your family?

In the course of further conversation, two conflicting parts of Lena emerged. The first is Lena at the age of eight. The second is Lena at the age of fifteen.

Lena at the age of eight - a supporter of divorce.

The second is Lena at the age of fifteen

The girl looks at the guys around her. For her, the future husband - breaking the rules and overthrowing the authorities, is more attractive than the positive Artyom.

Lena at the age of fifteen already used to to be in the company of drug addicts. The presence of drugs for her is a confirmation of the financial viability of the guy. And material wealth is the main quality of a man. So said everyone Lena knew as a child. The girl formed the conviction: "if a guy finds money for drugs, then he has MONEY."

We are attracted by what is familiar. Any change requires more energy than maintaining the current state. And we find the usual "reasonable" explanation.

In order to change the prevailing belief, you need to see it through the eyes an adult person.

If a guy finds money for drugs, does it mean that he will find money for a girl?

- There may not be enough money for a girl, since she is in second place, and drugs are in first. In the brother's company there were many rich guys who used drugs.

Did they earn their own money?

- No, it's their parents' money.

It turns out that the parents paid off their children with money. And the children found for themselves missing parents in drugs

- Yes, they all had a difficult relationship with their parents. I realized that the money does not belong to drug addicts, but to their parents.

Is your brother a wealthy person?

- No, he always has money problems. My idea that drug addicts are successful and wealthy people is crumbling before our eyes.

Imagine how Artyom behaves towards you when you are fifteen?

- He makes me stand out from all the girls, he gives me attention. But, at the same time, the thought arises: "the husband is always with money." He will find a way to get money, because he is one of those people about whom they say: "do not miss", "on his own mind", "resourceful", "cunning". Mom has always noted this quality of him as a great advantage. And about me she spoke with disappointment: “You are a simpleton. Not tricky. And money loves tricky ones"

How does fifteen-year-old Lena feel at the same time?

- She feels inferior. This means that the quality she lacks should be acquired with the help of another person - her husband. I seem to see that the money is near my husband.

What does money look like?

“I see a bundle of rubber-band banknotes.

Allow fifteen-year-old Lena to be such a girl about whom you can say: “don't miss”, “on your mind”, “resourceful”, “cunning”

- That's lovely! I am that is! I can make great money myself. And now the money itself goes into my hands. The whole bundle of banknotes tied with an elastic band. When choosing a man, I do not need to be guided by his ability to earn money. Now I choose his desire to pay attention to me, to take care, his desire to spend time with me. That is, the qualities that I see in Artyom. Now fifteen-year-old Lena chooses Artyom.

How does Lena react to this at the age of eight?

- She's very happy. The choice of the two Len is the same. There is no conflict between them now.

There is no conflict in the psyche of an adult Lena.

The choice of a man is made by our Inner Child, but even within the child's state there can be conflicts. Certain events can form conflicting attitudes. Here the help of a psychologist is needed, who will help the client from an adult state to make an informed choice. After listening to the arguments of the Inner Child, the Inner Adult is able to make informed, intelligent decisions. And then put them into practice.