Love Triangle: In Search Of The Culprit

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Love triangle: in search of the culprit

“How could he? I did everything for him, I tried, and he … on the other! I can't even imagine what to do … How could this happen? Scoundrel!"

“I saw her with another! They hugged and kissed! How can that be? I did a lot for her, and she treated me so much! What was wrong ?!"

“And she's my best friend! How could she ?! With my husband … I hate her! She wants to ruin my marriage!"

This is a minimum of statements and claims when treason is discovered. The bewilderment and pain associated with the experience of betrayal of a loved one, who promised to be faithful, who said that he loved this too: treason!

In connection with such an event, new questions arise: what to do with this? Forgive and Forget? Is this possible? And yet, how does this happen? How does "treason" begin?

“Triangles are the smallest stable system of relationships. A two-person system can also remain stable during a quiet period, but as soon as anxiety builds up, the most vulnerable third person (a child, for example) is immediately involved in it and it becomes a triangle. If the tension inside the triangle is too great for three other people (relatives and strangers) are involved in it and the structure of this system takes the form of several intersecting triangles."

Murray Bowe "Theoretical Foundations of Psychotherapeutic Practice"

In an ordinary situation, the search for the culprit begins. And all the questions that come to mind and are voiced are aimed at finding out who will take responsibility for what happened. In a couple, a drama is played out with a showdown, an attempt to find the culprit and bring him to justice. This naturally brings two people closer together, between whom a large distance has formed, and the fact of betrayal contributes to intimacy. Although in this format, but still. Even if it happens through a scandal and breaking dishes. In such a situation, it becomes possible to express those feelings that have no place in everyday life. A conflict can initiate the development of relations, or it can simply be a place of detente for further accumulation, in order to repeat everything again.

“Often a neurotic fear of intimacy is behind systematic cheating. Often the stereotype of interaction about betrayal is as follows: betrayal, clarification of relationships and scandals about betrayal, reconciliation. Then - they reconciled and live together until tension from unresolved problems accumulates, and problems accumulate, but are not resolved. The tension reaches a certain limit and then everything repeats itself."

A. Varga "Systemic family psychotherapy"

In some cases, the drama goes beyond the married couple in the form of persecution of the one with whom one of the spouses had an affair. He is accused of destroying someone else's family (man or woman, it doesn't matter). The likelihood of an escalation of the conflict with the "accused" increases, which adds passion and recognition in the married couple themselves. All these actions are aimed at demonstrating their feelings and experiences for a spouse who has “gone astray”. They are about how dear and valuable he is, that he is still loved, he was wrong and they are ready to forgive him. One receives recognition, while the other has the opportunity to express this recognition and the fire of love and passion ignites with renewed vigor!

“Cheating occurs when certain aspects of marital intimacy and sexual life are split off and projected onto the relationship with another partner. Through the relationship on the side, the couple unconsciously hopes to gain an ability for more creative sexual interaction, which can then be used to revive the first impoverished relationship."

Geely S. Scharff David E. Scharff Fundamentals of Object Relationship Theory

In order for the necessary amount of anxiety to appear, to attract a third, it is important to do something. For example, not to talk about the discomfort that appears from the actions of the spouse - maybe he will guess it himself? Make claims, but do not try to negotiate. Everything should be as one of the spouses says. Expecting something from the other, but not talking about it. And much more - each pair has its own arsenal.

The question arises: why is all this being done? Why not use conversation and clarify the relationship? Why is it impossible to communicate about yourself and your needs? But it doesn't seem as easy as they say. If it doesn't work out on your own, you can turn to a psychologist, a family psychologist, and jointly modify the relationship in a new way.

There is an opinion that if this does not happen, then there is a lack of trust in the couple and there is anxiety that the spouse may leave the relationship if he finds out about the wishes of a loved one. Or be deeply offended when you learn that everything that was done was not right. And I don't want to offend, a close person. So there is a place for a third person with whom you can share everything that you are unhappy with, while not offending your beloved.

Maybe this is so, and maybe not. In each pair, this happens in a different way.

“One of the forms that aggression associated with oedipal conflicts can take is the unconscious tacit agreement of both partners about the search for a real third, which is a condensed ideal of one and a rival of the other. The point is that adultery - the short and long term relationship of a love triangle - is more often the unconscious consent of a couple tempted to fulfill their deepest aspirations.”

Otto F. Kernberg "Love relationships: norm and pathology"

And what about the third one? How does this person, whether male or female, end up in such situations? In order to take part in the enacted drama of the couple, he receives an "invitation" from one of the spouses, which is agreed with the other spouse, and this is all by default. The third has some experience of participating in such a relationship. Those who invited him have the same experience.

“In the triangle that exists in a dysfunctional family, parents are unsure of their marital relationship. Both spouses look at the child as a way to meet their unfulfilled needs in the marital relationship. In dysfunctional families, a parent of the opposite sex stimulates incestuous experiences by explicitly expressing their expectations and demands. A parent of the same sex seeks to develop feelings of guilt in connection with such experiences, especially in the case when he is unable to get between the child and his spouse. " V. Satir "Family Psychotherapy"

He knows how to be the one who reduces anxiety and keeps the couple, and they have experience in how to use the third. Each of the participants in the love triangle is familiar with such a situation and knows how to create it and get what you want.

The third, in most cases, is involved in such relationships, tempted by an attempt to extract something from them. For example, to marry a "parent" of the opposite sex, expelling the "parent" of the same sex. Or, to satisfy your sexual desire with a parent who "stimulated incestuous experiences." The third, starting a relationship with a person who is married, can triangulate it into his / her relationship with his / her own spouse or parent (if he / she is a functional husband or wife of his parent). And the most important thing is that the third one knows only such a relationship, and he easily responds to an invitation to take part in them.

And it is not necessary that it will only be a marital relationship. He can also participate in a triangle: son - mother (this is for a woman) and daughter - father (for a man), provided that these dyads contain incestuous experiences and an adult performs the function of a husband or wife for his parent. He will have a place near his partner at a time when the emotional stress and anxiety in the dyad will be unbearable for its participants.

The third will not take place without a pair. Without those relationships that reign in a couple, there will be no third place. The third (child), in fact, has something to do (to know the world), but when he is called by a couple (spouses), and they are his parents, he leaves his natural development in the name of his beloved father and mother. Without which, as it seems to him, he will perish, starting to stabilize their relationship in one way or another, believing that this should happen. By gaining experience in building relationships only in this way.

Starting a relationship, a person already knows how he, together with this partner, will stabilize them. Everyone has their own baggage of experience and knowledge of how to create and maintain relationships, and it remains to be seen how to combine this to develop these same relationships.

And yet the question remains: is there any culprit in adultery? If in this way (in a dysfunctional family), the spouses manage to stay together, preserve the family, and increase the intensity of passions among themselves, is it possible to "execute" someone for this? There are cases when, because of the third, people get divorced, and a new family is created, but in it, over time, the same scenario is repeated. Unless of course you try to do something else. Otherwise, to be placed in a relationship, visiting a psychologist together, and find new ways to develop relationships. The same applies to those families who constantly use the third for their own good. And while it suits them, then okay …

Likewise, those who are involved in such relationships can also change something in their lives with the help of specialists, provided that they are already ripe for something else.

From Uv. gestalt therapist Dmitry Lenngren