DEAD RELATIONSHIP. How To Understand That "the Horse Is Dead"?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Everyone has probably heard the expression "If the horse is dead, get off." This is all correct and many nod in agreement. But how to determine that the horse has definitely died and there is no chance of resuscitation? Where else can a relationship be revived by unwinding a tangle of problems? And where is everything, basta, finita la comedy?

Here are some criteria for a dead relationship that will help you confirm your horse's diagnosis.

1) You are no longer interested in proving your innocence, it is not interesting for you to argue, quarrel, it does not matter what your partner thinks and how he will perceive certain words or this or that behavior. While people are quarreling, there is still energy in the relationship, something else clings to them in each other, since it is important to convey their point of view to the other. Explain your thoughts, convey your feelings, tell about your feelings. When this disappears, when the partner's misunderstanding, his resistance, his opposition, his agreement or disagreement is already put indifferently, then yes, most likely - "the horse is dead."

2) The relationship turned into loneliness together. This happens when the emotional connection between the participants in the union disappears. When everyone lives in their own world, in their own space, where the partner is not ordered to enter. When mental alienation is felt. When partners do not share ideas, values, ideals, worldview of each other. Often such partners say about the relationship that "we live like neighbors." The interests and activities of each do not bother, do not care, do not touch the other.

3) Routine, everyday life. Over time, the initial fuse of a relationship dries up. Initial passions, falling in love, a spark are absorbed by everyday life. And then in the relationship the partners do not seem to live, but exist, pull the relationship like a forced burden. There are no more those conversations until the morning, I don’t want to share dreams and plans, I don’t want to share my thoughts and share the depth of each other, to know the breadth of everyone. Sexual attraction to a partner disappears. The relationship becomes very superficial, very cover-up, very on duty.

4) A relationship ends when someone (or both) relinquishes responsibility for the couple's well-being. When interest in this alliance disappears altogether. When neither the goals of this union, nor the motives for its preservation are already clear. When it becomes unclear why we should be together at all? What do I get in this relationship? What are they for me?

5) When relationships suck more, but not nourish. Usually, such an imbalance in receiving and giving energy and strength in a relationship is noticed when the source has completely dried up. And often the partner receives the first alarm calls from his environment: friends and acquaintances begin to notice a dull look, weakness, lethargy, lack of initiative. Relatives say that you are no longer the same cheerful, full of strength and energy person. You are no longer a "live", not a "motor". You stopped smiling and interested in the world around you. This happens when one of the partners treats the other exclusively as a consumer, considers it as a donor for resources (monetary, emotional), but is not ready to give an equal contribution. When the foundation, the basis for the relationship is neurosis, and not love and not mutual interest.

6) Disappearance of personal space. At one point (or maybe over time) you realize that you have lost yourself in this relationship, you no longer remember what made you happy and what comforted you before meeting your partner. You are completely absorbed in this relationship, only "we" remained and "I" suddenly disappeared somewhere. There is nothing more personal, personal, intimate, separate from the relationship. Relationships did not become part of your life, but you became part of the relationship. You buried yourself in a relationship, lost your identity, became a dead person yourself.

7) Priorities and values in life have radically changed. For example, the relationship began during the student days. And the couple was brought together by the fact that he played the guitar gorgeous, and she sang beautifully. Years have passed, now he has already built his business, runs a large corporation, he has constant business trips, plans, projects. And she stopped in her development at the moment when she sang beautifully to the guitar. Or, on the contrary, she built a career, gave birth to a child, plans a charity evening for orphans, and he still plays the guitar. Only to the neighbor from above. When one of the partners in their development goes far ahead or when they begin to live somehow in parallel, each in his own world, in his own reality. And something in common - disappears, that which united before - is no longer relevant.

Each separate item, perhaps, cannot indicate the futility of the relationship. A lot has something in common with codependent relationships, with relationships in fusion. And all this separately is decisive. But if you found a lot about yourself, if something responded at each point, then the horse is probably dead.

We often cling to hope, afraid to get out of the relationship out of fear of loneliness, out of fear of loss. And the first step to letting go of dead relationships, to get out of them is to realize, to be imbued with the understanding that you are ALREADY alone, you are ALREADY in loss, you are no longer in contact with another.

"There are two sins in a relationship: breaking off a living relationship and keeping a dead one."