WHAT KEEPS US IN "DEAD" RELATIONSHIP?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We while away

The nights are long

Unloved with unloved

Often, in a therapy situation, one has to deal with a client's request for help in making a choice. And this is not the easiest request in the work of a psychotherapist.

In my article, I will focus only on the situation of choice in a relationship. In this case, for the client, such a choice, which he finds it difficult to accept in life, is the choice between "Leave or stay?" And here it is important to carefully examine both choices and their possible motives.

Any relationship is based on something. This is an axiom. The only question is, what is the "glue" for this relationship?

In my opinion, this "glue" can be something coming from within - desire, attraction, attraction, interest. In this case, in such a relationship there is no place for violence, or rather self-violence: I stay with my partner because I want to! However, not in all respects we can observe such a picture. Sometimes people are held together by something external, devoid of this internal impulse. And then something else keeps one person with another apart from his desire, interest …

But what is it different? What kind of relationship is this? This is what my article is about.

We are talking about such relationships that psychologically have exhausted themselves. They may have once had feelings of partners for each other, but at the moment there is no room left for feelings, attraction, or attraction in them. I call this relationship "dead." It is clear that this is just a metaphor. This is a relationship that has no prospects, frozen in its development, a relationship that does not bring joy to one and (or) both partners. There is no energy in them, because "It is necessary" has long outweighed "I want".

Here I do not consider those relationships where all of the above (desire, interest, attraction-attraction) or at least one of this list is present, but partners can find it difficult to agree, understand each other and they often conflict with each other. The criterion - "conflict" is far from being the leading one here. While people are quarreling, there is still energy in the relationship, something else clings to them in each other, they still want to change something, and such relationships still have a prospect. Even the lack of trust in a relationship cannot be a criterion for "deadness." Dead relationships are often outwardly non-conflicting, but there are no feelings, life in them. But partners, paradoxically, still remain in them.

Dead relationship criteria:

Here are the most typical signs of such a relationship:

• Indifference, unwillingness to prove anything to another;
• Loneliness together. Partners live with each other as neighbors, without emotional closeness: "Bedmate";
• Parallel life. Each of the partners lives their own life;
• Unwillingness to change anything in a relationship, despite the fact that they do not suit:
• Lack of emotional support from a partner;
• Lack of plans for a future life together;
• Lack of sexual attraction to each other

These and other signs of dead relationships can be found in the publications of psychologists writing on the topic. I'm more interested in the reasons why people continue to live in such relationships.

What is the "glue" of such a relationship that does not bring joy to partners?

I offer my list of reasons-factors:

Habit. The case when partners live with each other for a long time, they know each other well, and they value comfort and stability very highly. Parting means inevitably changing something in your life. And changing something in your life means leaving your comfort zone, settling down again, rubbing in …

Unfulfilled hopes, illusions, expectations. Sometimes (which may seem strange), people do not part from the fact that they have developed a beautiful image of a relationship even before the relationship itself: "How it should be." And although all the beautiful expectations have long been broken on the inexorable reality, it is a pity to part with them. Part with illusions not so easy. It is not easy to part with what is not, but could be (love, tenderness, care, support …). There is also regret: "I didn't succeed, as I imagined, expected" and hope: "I can still do it, you just have to try harder!" and fear: "What if this is my only chance and there won't be another?" All this does not allow one to meet with reality and the inevitable disappointment from this meeting and part with illusions.

Scenario. The script can be imagined as a person's life plan, created by him in childhood, under the significant influence of his parents or people close to him. Due to this scenario, as a rule, people are not aware of it. Keeps partners in a dead relationship existence within the framework of the scenario of the following attitudes: "Suffer - fall in love!" once and for all my life "," This is my cross and I must carry it ", etc.

Antiscript. The same scenario, but with the opposite solution. It occurs more often in parent-child relationships in which parental figures are depreciated by the child. The most generalized form of the antiscript is as follows: "My grandmother and mother did not succeed in creating a good relationship, but I can!" A specific feature of both the scenario and the anti-scenario is that a person does not have the ability to choose in an external apparent situation of choice. The choice was made a long time ago under the strong influence of someone else and the person has no choice but to follow this choice, not taking into account the changing situation.

Feelings. Having some strong feelings in partners can glue the deadliest relationships together. Here they are:

Fear one of the strongest feelings. Fear stops, fetters, freezes, does not allow movement. The following fears can keep in a frozen relationship: How to live on? How to start a new life? Will I be able to? What if something doesn't work out? Will not the new life be a continuation of the previous one? Will I regret this decision? What will other people say? And so on. Another type of fear of parting can be the expectation of possible negative reactions from a partner: anger, aggression, accusations, revenge.

Guilt in a relationship there is a consequence of the partner experiencing some debt that he has to his partner. Guilt can be actively supported by the other partner in order to keep the former in the relationship. The main message to the partner here is the following: "If not for you …". A toxic level of guilt can be experienced by a partner in a “Leave or Stay” situation as a betrayal. If the fear of parting with a partner is inherent in both men and women, then guilt, in my opinion, is a more “masculine” feeling.

Partner manipulation. The partner makes the following messages: “I can't live without you”, “You are my life, my meaning!”, “I can't live without you!”, “If you leave me, I'll do something with myself!”. Messages of this kind can keep a partner in a "dead" relationship, as they actualize his feelings of self-importance and responsibility for the life of his partner.

The perfect partner. Partner - only solid pluses. There are both male (positive male) and female (holy woman) options. The image of a partner is so flawless that it is impossible to leave him - no one will understand!

Accommodation with a parental needs partner. We are talking about the so-called complementary marriages (a variant of co-dependent relationships), relations in which are built on the principle of parent-child. In such a relationship, partners are trying to "get" those needs that they could not get from their parents in due time. Among such needs, the leading ones are the need for unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. Due to the importance of these needs for a person, more "adult" needs cannot compete with the above-mentioned ones, and such marriages are often very stable.

Getting out of dead relationships on your own is not easy

Sometimes life crises, in which existential factors are actualized, can act as an impetus for making a decision: Fear of living the wrong life and with the wrong person. This fear is an inevitable companion of adult age crises. However, it can be a motivating factor for change only when it is realized and experienced by a person. And sometimes, sadly, there is no time left for that.

In all of the above-mentioned factors, gluing together "dead" relationships, one can find "traces" of codependency: a high level of emotional fusion, a low level of differentiation and insufficient autonomy of partners, problems with psychological boundaries. This fact greatly complicates an independent way out of this situation. Therefore, the best option is still to decide not to wait for the next crisis, but to seek professional help and, together with the therapist, consider all the pros and cons of possible choices.

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