Reasons For Communicating With Ex

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

It often happens that after the couple broke up, they maintain communication in one form or another. Relationships after the finale are very difficult relationships, and they interfere with the creation of a new union in the life of one of the partners.

In most cases, breaking up is a difficult process. The abandoned partner experiences severe stress - this is a blow to self-esteem, and a change in lifestyle, and the loss of a loved one. In a couple, one wants to end the relationship, and the other is hard. This is due to the fact that each person has their own physiological and mental processes. Their speed is individual for each person. The relationship ends by mutual agreement, either when initially there was no spark between a man and a woman, or when there were many difficult moments that weigh on both of them. And so, parting is a pain for one of the couple because even endorphins, which affect the state of falling in love, settle at different rates. Someone, after 2 weeks, forgot the love of their life, and are ready for new romantic adventures, and someone even 3 years is not enough to come to their senses. The problem is read when one has already felt the feelings, and the other just got a taste. And if there is also one of the partners with addictive behavior, then this only aggravates the situation. It turns out that love has been gone for a long time, but he cannot imagine his life without the other. For him, loneliness is unbearable. He begins to cling, not because he loves, but because he is afraid to be alone, and does not want to solve his problems himself.

It often happens that a person leaves for another family, he already has children there, plans for a joint old age, but still, under one pretext or another, he continues to appear in the old family, not from the position of the father of children, but a man. The motive that prompts them to do this is the protection of their own territory. In fact, he does not want someone else to take his place. Like a dog in the manger - I won't talk about it myself, and I won't give it to another. A very ugly way to prevent someone from being happy.

Girls do this too. She did not like the man - he annoyed her, she was tired of him, broke up with him, forgot. Then, as soon as he begins to develop a new relationship in which he can be happy, the former is right there - she returned with her suitcases. But she has no love for this man. She just realized that what she didn't need suddenly came in handy for someone, and she wants to return everything of her own. A purely proprietary position. She upsets the beginning relationship, and then, when she gets bored, she disappears as quickly as she appeared. This can happen many times. Moreover, a partner who does not let go acts like a sadist. He may even get some pleasure from the fact that the other is tormented. He pursues his interests, sometimes not even realizing his motives, but acting impulsively.

To let go of the wrong partner, you need to have a certain amount of nobility. Some people are sincerely perplexed - why cut ends, if the couple went a certain way together, if they are close people - no longer lovers, but like brother and sister, or classmates. They have already drunk so much blood from each other that they have one for two.

However, the question arises, how will the new partner feel in this incomprehensible family-neighbor group?

If a man says, “I’m not against your ex, talk to your health. I respect your right to the past, and it can come to visit us,”then he expects to receive the same carte blanche on his ex, and calmly communicate with them, without feeling remorse, or the reproachful glance of a new passion. A mentally healthy girl should be alerted by this position because:

• the partner is not ready for responsibility, so he relies on the former like on crutches, and in which case he will return the partner to them, or he will return himself.
• not ready to give a woman what she needs.
• perhaps there was something brighter and more solid in the past.

A man who chooses to build his life with a woman does not want to delve into her past at all. He has anxiety about her exes, and that is why he absolutely does not want the figure of this ghost of the past to appear on the horizon. This will lead to the fact that he will compare himself and compete. Therefore, the biggest mistake in a relationship is to tell each other details about your ex.

It is clear that everyone wants the heart of his current partner to belong 100% to him. But the experience and experiences of all life constitute the fabric of being, and no matter how much we want, we cannot take and ripen a piece out of it in order to throw it out. Our past lives in us, is recorded in the body, affects consciousness and subconsciousness, and in subsequent relationships, everything that is hidden can manifest itself in the form of reactions that do not correspond to the situation. It is very difficult to completely take and give yourself to one person. This is possible for a while, while the hormones of love are playing. But if it lasted a long time, then people would die. During this period, they do not sleep, do not eat, feel the rise and euphoria, but then time passes, and they begin to notice the world around them. Although, ideally, of course, the past should be the past, and it should be released. Do not drag him into the present, otherwise you can get stuck. It makes no sense, when you are 30 years old, to worry about the man who left you and has already started a new family and three children. You should not sit, wait and hope that he will not work out, and he will come. Of course, this also applies to men. Understandably, the neurophysiology of love is designed in such a way that we most love what we lose. It seemed that the woman was not needed, and then suddenly another appeared who fascinated her. She turned and walked away. As soon as he sees her back, he immediately attaches more importance to her. A healthy person understands that his interest is not caused by the real value of the partner, but by the situation, and makes a conscious choice to let go of the partner. But if a person continues to love and hope for something for many years, then this is no longer a standard response to stress. This is already a mental refuge, which he uses in order not to build new relationships because there is a strong fear. A person chooses to live in the past and hope, in order not to live here and now, not to try something new. Don Juanism is also a consequence of trauma. A person is not ready to let anyone into his soul, he has too much pain, which he could not cope with.

How to let go of your ex?

If there is love, and the partner leaves, then the experiences in their strength are very similar to the experience of loss (death of a loved one). The release takes place in several stages:

1. Shock. Hearing the desire of a partner, a person experiences a strong mental stress, "lightning" runs through the body, perception sharpens, the world begins to move as in slow motion, and thousands of thoughts swarm in the head. He is not able to critically assess what is happening.
2. Negation. “I don’t believe”, “It cannot be”, “I dreamed it”. A person is in a state of some kind of stupor.
3. Anger. When a person realizes that what is happening to him, the only normal reaction is anger because his usual picture of the world is disturbed. But anger is an emotion not approved by society. We are brought up to be kind, understanding and accepting. Therefore, it can be very difficult to realize and acknowledge this feeling. A person can be angry with a partner, with fate, with God, who allowed suffering. This stage is very important, it is thanks to it that mental separation is possible, and as a result, the end of the relationship. If a person cannot get angry, he gets stuck in feelings of guilt or resentment, and cannot let go of his partner.
4. Bargain. Many women like to run to all sorts of fortune-tellers' grandmothers and make love spells, and men arrange a showdown, try to sort things out, or at any cost to earn favor. At this stage, a person can create for himself the illusion that this was a special relationship, and there is a chance to return them in the future.
5. Depression. A person realizes that he cannot change anything, and therefore goes into a deep minus. He faces his pain. It is large, sharp, sudden and overwhelming. It is very important at this stage to allow yourself to grieve, cry, and relive the loss. But the rules of etiquette of our society also do not allow to live it with dignity. It is not accepted to show pain and tears to strangers, and the only support that others can provide is to say "Forget it!", "Everything will be fine!". They do this because they themselves are confused and do not know how to support the other. And this pain lurks deep inside, causing chronic diseases such as heart disease or cancer.
6. Adoption. Getting to this stage is not easy. People are very frightened by the thought that their pain will be endless, and they run away from it. But don't do it. An emotional wound heals in the same way as a physical one - first blood flows, then a crust forms, then a scar, and over time it can disappear without a trace. But if a person is afraid to seek help from a specialist, then his wound may begin to fester, this will cause great discomfort to both the person and his environment. The problem is that mental wounds are not visible, and it is not customary to heal them.

Sometimes it happens that a person gets stuck at one of these stages, and then he spends his entire life resource in the form of time, emotions and money on the past. If this happened to you, then I suggest you the exercise "Transfer of love."

When you desperately want to return someone, it means that this person has become a supervalue, a fix idea. You need to imagine this person as in a picture, and then put yourself instead of him. It is very important to understand that how much you are ready to give to another, you need to give yourself. And it turns out that as soon as a person begins to treat himself with care, with interest and care, his body plastic changes, his voice melts, his shoulders melt, and immediately the opposite sex pays attention.

It often happens that without completing an old relationship, a person starts a new one. "The wedge knocks out like a wedge" is a compensatory mechanism. A person chooses to give up his pain, and rushes into a new relationship in order to get out of the impasse in which he fell. It happens in different ways. Sometimes a new relationship can have healing powers when the traumatized person realizes that the new is the present. But it also happens that the traumatized (this is more often characteristic of men) uses a new partner as a psychotherapist to confirm his value, need, solvency, and to receive care, attention and warmth. He becomes a vampire because he takes a lot, but he has nothing to give in return. At some point, these relationships end, as the recovered partner decides to build his life on his own. The lifeguard rarely ends the relationship. He cherishes the illusion that when the saved one is healed, he will thank him. Earning love in this way is a habitual way for him to behave.

Later in my article, I will tell a few stories from the lives of my friends and clients in the form of questions. Tips are suitable for both women and men who find themselves in similar situations.

What if the girl continues to communicate with her ex to define her boundaries, and not show her weakness?

If a girl continues to communicate with her ex, and the guy is traumatized, he says many times that he does not like it, and the situation does not change, then we can say with confidence that the woman sets the rules in this pair. She determines the style of the relationship, and he follows her. This position is very disadvantageous for a man. You should not persuade her to abandon the relationship, because the more words in this direction, the more her ego and pride will inflate, and he will worry more and more. In doing so, she provokes him, and, as it were, says - "If suddenly something, I have someone to go to." She manipulates her value. In this situation, it is worth doing the reverse - an absolutely symmetrical move. Then, when she wants him to go somewhere with her, it must be said that his acquaintances are invited to a meeting where his ex will be, and he cannot refuse because it is important for his work. And come the same way as she comes - with the same mood. If he comes with a sour face and says - “Well, have you achieved it? Now I also go to the former! " - there will be no effect. And if he comes running joyful, he will say - "Oh, my dear, I'm so glad!" He kisses her on the cheek, turns away, and goes to bed - this will be a very alarming signal. Why? Because it turns out he also has exes. And then the situation will level out. And so it turns out that she runs away all the time, and he catches up with her. You need to show your back a little yourself.

What if the girl constantly remembers your ex and delves into the past?

There may be 2 reasons for this. Or the girl is prone to hyper control, and wants to crush all the space for herself. Or she is missing something in these relationships, and behaves this way because she is very worried. The reason is that she does not love herself, she has low self-esteem, and it seems to her that it is difficult to love her. When it comes to exes, these ghosts from the past seem more beautiful, sexy, and attractive to her.

Here you can advise several options:

1. To give more love to a girl is to say compliments, to hug more often to fill her hunger. But it may turn out that this is a bottomless barrel.
2. Offer to work with a psychologist.

What if a girl talks about her exes all the time?

In this situation, it is very good to mirror - that is, constantly ask her - "Tell me, how would your ex behave in this situation?" “I don’t know what to do, but what would your exes do?” And in general, "troll" her in this way until she gets tired of it. Although there is a risk that the guy will get tired of it much faster.

What if you find out that your ex has now achieved great success - he has a lot of money and opportunities, and now you bite your elbows, because you missed your chance for a beautiful life?

Here you should not be very upset because a man's success and his social achievements in life largely depend on which woman is next to him. Therefore, the big question here is how wrong you were in parting with this man. It is likely that if you continued the relationship, the guy would stay in place. Not because you are bad, but because your influence on each other, and your cockroaches would leave your life as usual. And so another woman either skillfully inspired him to feats, or skillfully pressed on his childhood injuries, which led him to social success.

As soon as I wrote on Facebook that there would be a wedding, all the former girlfriends began to show interest in me, although we had not communicated before. Why?

In many ways, the popularity of social. Networking is driven by the fact that everyone has an ex because it is a good way to showcase your success or watch others. As soon as the news about the wedding appeared, everyone immediately became interested in looking at the bride. If the bride turns out to be beautiful, then they will all be very upset, and someone may even try to compete with her. If it is not to your taste, then both of you will be devalued in order to confirm your decision to part, as correct.

The husband has another woman, but he does not go to her, continues to live in the family, and to meet with her. She asked him to leave, but he remains. And that woman also has her own family

The position of this woman is very difficult. Seeing all this with your own eyes is very disappointing. The husband does not deny the presence of a mistress. She realizes that he does not love her, and sees a reminder of this every day in his house. Here the housing issue is of decisive importance and the fact that the rival is not going to leave her current husband. And the man was stuck between two stories.

What advice is there for this woman? Her main task now is to arrange her personal life. It is likely that if a woman begins to look after herself and go on dates, then her husband, if he still has feelings, will be afraid that he is not going well with his mistress, and he may lose his wife. So you can play on the instinct of the owner, and try to save the marriage. Although the fact that he does not hide the relationship on the side suggests that he has a strong enough desire not to live together.

Of course, this situation could be resolved much faster and easier if we clarified what was happening. But practice shows that people are afraid of certainty, everyone is satisfied with the fog, which allows them not to change anything, and somehow they adapt to what is.

We got divorced, but we have a joint child. He remarried and will have a second child, but he comes to our child every weekend. Wears our wedding ring

She hardly has any illusions about the ring. Women are very attentive to details and can tell the difference between their wedding ring and a new one. Most likely, the ex puts on this ring before entering the house. An unpleasant situation, and you shouldn't sit here and wait that something will not work out for him there, and he will return. You need to structure your day with interesting things, not leaving yourself time for empty dreams and experiences. You do not need to be present at meetings with a child, but to think over your day so that you are in a different, interesting place for you. If there was no pregnancy in the second marriage, then the man, as soon as he realized that the first wife is doing well, and she is happy, would have rushed back at a run. The statistics are relentless. Of the 4 men who leave, two return, and the third dreams of returning. Contact with him should be minimized. He is a manipulator, and the fact that 2 women seem to be fighting for him is very gratifying to his pride. Direct your attention to stabilizing your financial situation and new relationships.

Could it be that she loves her ex, and just powders my brains?

It often happens that when we have, we do not appreciate it, but when the relationship has ended, and a person tries something new, fails, he begins to idealize the past partner. But sometimes it is enough just to meet with this person, or remember the reasons why the couple broke up, how everything immediately falls into place.

How do you know if she really has feelings? It's worth watching her when she talks about him. If her face comes to life, her eyes shine, she smiles, often calls a name, strives to talk about him, if appropriate, then these signs indicate that there are feelings.

The completion of the novel is a difficult period, each couple has its own individual story, if you have any questions, I will be glad to answer them.

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