Addiction In Relationships: How To Satisfy Your Hunger

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

People leave and appear, relationships end and new ones begin, and the inner emptiness is never filled. It seems that this is generally impossible, and then a feeling of despair and helplessness envelopes.

It becomes insanely sorry for yourself and your life, in which it turns out to be impossible to meet someone who will accept and love you for who you are, and completely give you all of yourself and your life in return. Love becomes something unattainable, because no one can be completely trusted. Every time you entrust your soul and heart to another, you are disappointed. It seems that no one can love you the way you expect it. The belief that somewhere in the world there is your soul mate is lost … With each parting, a part of you seems to die, and in the end, it begins to seem that this inner emptiness is simply devouring. How can you get close to someone again and believe in love, if at the beginning of a new relationship anxiety arises inside - what if it's not forever again?

Feeling as one with someone, it is very painful to break this connection, agree. With the loss of that very second half, it seems as if an arm or a leg was torn off you, your heart was torn out - in general, as if they took a part of you with them. Have you ever heard something like this from a friend / friend / acquaintance, or maybe you experienced it yourself?

Such an experience of relationships is so commonplace that in all centuries it has become the leading theme of love stories. They write novels about this, make films, sing songs … Just remember "I am you, you are me, and we do not need anyone." Art at all times displayed just such - neurotic love, when the light is not nice without a loved one. When you don't want to live in separation! When the other becomes the whole world, “and life is more precious”. Why are such relationships so attractive and attractive that they are praised and elevated into something ideal? Finding your other half, your destiny - becomes the ultimate goal of your whole life. Being one with another seems like the only possible form of true love.

In fact, everyone who has experienced such feelings can say with confidence that the search for such true love can continue indefinitely. There is no limit to perfection, each partner one day turns out to be not ideal, not "the same", and every such relationship is disappointed. Love suddenly disappears somewhere…. Or someone alone betrays love, and takes away the heart of the beloved, leaving a gaping hole in his chest … Let's try to figure out if there was this hole, this inner irreplaceable emptiness long before a person realized it, experiencing a break in a relationship?

Addiction has one undeniable quality that distinguishes it from love - permanent pain. It can be so background that when experiencing euphoria at the first stage of a relationship - the stage of falling in love, meeting “images” - a person does not realize this pain and does not identify. He completely immerses himself in another person, rushes into a relationship as if into a pool with his head, and begins to dissolve in them. Often there is a catastrophically short time between acquaintance and a whirlpool. Rapprochement is like a leap into the abyss - people literally skip an important gap where contact is established and boundaries are in contact - and, closing their eyes, jump into each other's arms. This is often called "love at first sight", but this phenomenon has nothing to do with love.

People are used to thinking that love is just a feeling. An experienced clot of emotions in relation to another person, mutual erasure of boundaries and penetration into each other's field, without taking into account any needs and expectations of each other from the relationship itself - this is what is considered love. It is not seen as a complex of very specific actions, very specific values. And yet, love reflects the actual needs of each in a couple here and today, and therefore, over the years, it may seem that it has disappeared. Or disappeared from one, while the other remained. But in fact, the components have changed, in the conditional today the values are no longer the same as yesterday. This is how it happens, it is overgrowth. But this is out of the question. Moreover, it is not taken into account at all. The context of love narrows down to attraction to each other, we get stuck at the stage of images, and not real ourselves, interacting consciously.

And that is why, instead of becoming happier, enjoying life together, developing and helping each other to be freer and stronger, to create, bring joy to each other and share the experience of difficult life moments - two find themselves in a suffocating emotional bundle, they literally stick to each other and each cease to be aware of himself as a self-sufficient, separate, independent unit. It is impossible to say where “I” ends and “you” begins, there is only “we” as a single system of values, beliefs, interests, desires, decisions. By the way, the interests of a couple can literally narrow down to each other. Close people, friends, families of such couples can observe their alienation, merging with each other - now they do everything together: sleep together, eat together, go to meetings together, relax together. They like the same thing - one food, one movie, clothing style, hobbies, books. The worldview is directed to one point, they say, we are looking in one direction as true beloved! The critical look in such pairs disappears, and the opinion of the two becomes a unanimous opinion, causing the same decisions - one for two. This is a whole planet of compromises, when we erase the boundaries of our needs and desires until they, like a puzzle, combine into one picture.

There are many options for the emergence and development of addictive relationships, we can look at several of them.

Have you ever heard how a man calls his woman “my little one”, “my girl” and other similar variations? True, this is very reminiscent of the relationship between dad and beloved daughter? She is so small and defenseless, so stupid and needy. And he will protect her, he will make all the important decisions, take responsibility, be caring and loving, so long as she feels safe and warm, like behind a stone wall. Do you think a woman is comfortable in this position? And how! You can also add financial support here, then the role of daddy becomes full. A man must take care and support - this is such a popular formulation. Its creators are little girls, daddy's eternal daughters. What are they ready to give in return to such a man? Of course, all the love and devotion they have. But the more they “love” so much, the more men owe them.

Let's look at the dependency relationship from the other side. What can bind a man and keep him in a dependent relationship long enough? Inaccessibility. After all, this is a colossal inner tension that makes you alive and your existence is very significant. You can develop the qualities of a superhero, if only to achieve the location of the one that seems ideal. The one who will take you into her arms and give you irreplaceable feminine warmth, acceptance and love.

Women's love is quite idealized in society, it is such a mix of loyalty, sensuality, wisdom and strength. She is both a faithful friend to you, and a skillful mistress, a supermistress, coupled with a well-read clever and a caring mother. And men believe in the existence of such a collective image in reality. And they can search for it all their lives. Sometimes they even find it. But very often such an ideal woman turns out to be emotionally cold or completely inaccessible. Her love must be earned all the time, it’s as it were necessary to reach out to her, grow up, accomplish something, and something else and something else … but it will always not be enough. And if a man still manages to get such a woman, then when their relationship ends, he will be completely crushed. Or, in the process of this relationship, she will turn into a tyrant and beat her ideal for making him literally worship her. However - it was after all his own choice. Why is this happening?

All these men and women who find themselves in a dependent relationship of pseudo love do not realize that they are dependent individuals who experience an irreplaceable emotional hunger and attract precisely those partners who will never, never fill it. Not a single person, even in a cake, is able to satisfy the hunger of a dependent person. It would seem, is it really not easier to choose a person on an equal footing as a partner and enter into a mature relationship with him? For a dependent person, this is not easier, it is simply impossible. He does not recognize, among the multitude of potential partners, the one with whom he could experience an adequate relationship, he will unconsciously choose just such a partner, with whom they can play out each of their neurotic needs together. Doing this by creating a dependency is where it is "easier."

So, let's list the main signs of addiction in a relationship:

- merge, complete blurring of each other's boundaries

- destructive feelings and states, such as jealousy, fear of losing a loved one, permanent anxiety and a feeling of emptiness in his absence

- narrowing of interests up to the existence of each other, rejection of previous social contacts for the sake of spending time together

- inability to recognize, detect, "move" and defend their boundaries

- loss of self-worth and self-sufficiency, emotional hunger

- a colossal number of projections on each other, the desire to play parent-child relationships

- control, pressure, limitation of each other's freedoms, self-assertion at the expense of the other, countless manipulations

- an appeal not to the partner himself, but to his functionality, - he begins to perform certain functions, without which existence seems impossible; a meeting with a real partner cannot happen, the relationship is very objective

- loss of self-control, self-identity, loss of sense of "I"

- "sticking" to each other, "getting stuck" at the point when the development of these relations is impossible, and it is also impossible to stop them. This is such a very distinct feeling of irreversibility, and some completely irrational attempts to avoid a rupture, reminiscent of convulsions.

The reasons for becoming addicted are quite obvious, but they are so subconscious that the participants in addictive relationships and victims of addictive behavior are not able to work out these reasons. All that stands behind this is basic true unmet needs. They are in the field of the unconscious, and an irresistible desire to satisfy them makes a person spend a huge amount of energy trying to finally do it. These basic needs of each of us - security, unconditional acceptance and love, recognition and care - must be provided by our parents in the first years of life. As a rule, all these needs are partially or, worse, completely unmet. And then, unconsciously, we rush in search of that ideal parent who will provide us with all this. In adulthood, our partner should become it. We distinguish it by unconscious signs from the conventional crowd, and we achieve that state of anxiety and desire to get it completely, which keeps our addiction and nourishes it. But addiction is absolutely destructive, so very soon what seemed to fill our life with meaning only yesterday is destroying it today. What filled the gaping emptiness inside makes it even larger today. Unrecognizable pain, which has been a background since childhood, at some point manifests itself - when I begin to feel that the love of my partner is not enough for me. Not enough care, not enough attention, not enough recognition. I want to absorb him so that he becomes completely mine, merges with him, dissolves together, in order to finally relieve this pain, so that it finally disappears. I want to be healed, and something doesn’t allow me to do it, over and over again.

Alas, it will never be enough.

The only way to overcome addiction is to be aware of yourself.

What can and should be done to make life really change, and there is an opportunity to enter into healthy relationships and live them without loss for yourself?

The first and most important thing is to realize that there is addiction. It is not easy, and alone it may not be possible. But signs that you are collapsing, or already collapsed, can help in making a decision - I want to be aware of what is happening, I want to be aware of why I choose this. Then you can plunge into long-term self-examination and introspection, but of course, it will be more effective to turn to a psychotherapist. Why is it more efficient? Because it is in psychotherapy - a unique relationship built on trust - that you can get the security, acceptance, love, and support that the therapist will provide you by taking on the role of the very Parent you need. This will make it possible to finally act out the trauma, discover needs, speak them out, realize emptiness, experience pain - and not be all alone in it. It is very important. Together you will be able to track those unconscious processes that are inaccessible when you independently "pick out" the wound, and work them out in the safest way for your psyche.

The next step after realizing that you are addicted will be to restore your “I”, your self-identity, regaining self-worth, self-worth and gradual separation from the object of dependence. You will become aware of yourself and you will be able to start from your "I". It will be possible to recognize your feelings and answer yourself to the questions "How do I feel?" "What's going on in my body?" "What do I want?" "What do I need now?" etc.

Gradually, in the course of therapy, you will begin to form an inner Parent in order to be able to provide self-support and be able to lean on yourself. This quality is vital and very resourceful. The ability of self-support frees from the eternal search for that reliable shoulder, "stone wall" and mother's embrace, this allows you to feel your own axis, inner core, support, and be in balance. Self-awareness returns contact with the body and makes it possible to be aware of feelings and find internal resources for their living.

Meeting yourself and acknowledging your real needs is a really important step. Perhaps this is the greatest manifestation of taking care of yourself and your safe existence - self-awareness and acceptance of your own resources and limitations. Knowing what you really need and how you can satisfy that while remaining whole makes you free. Hear, not addicted, but free. Freedom is one of the qualities inherent in mature relationships. A relationship in which you can experience love with another person. Even if such relationships end, their participants feel that they have been enriched by experience and new knowledge about themselves and about others. And pain, which is an integral part of any gap, in this case will be very resourceful. This is the pain of growth, outgrowth.

Love is born where there is intimacy. And closeness is exactly the opposite of being needed. Needing each other, we leave no chance for each of us to grow up and learn about our inner capabilities.

Closeness is something worth striving for.