Codependency In A Family With Psychosomatic Disorders. Test

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The topic of codependency somehow arises in counseling any client with psychosomatic disorders or illnesses, but for many it causes upset, anger and even denial, which are often caused by our delusions and stereotypes. My colleague, a specialist in psychosomatics, told a case when, in one of the non-specialized forums, discussing the mechanisms of psychocorrection, she mentioned alcoholism with oncology in the same context. This caused a storm of emotions and condemnation, since oncology in the perception of most people is a tragedy, alcoholism is a whim, respectively, they cannot have anything in common and a specialist who “removes responsibility” from an alcoholic and “hangs responsibility” on a cancer patient is simply immoral and illiterate. In fact, in each of these cases, everything is decided by an individual story, and in each of them the main problem can be redirected both from the physical vector to the mental one, and vice versa.

When we talk about a bundle of codependency and any disorder or disease, many are perplexed, because the disease is a disaster, and in any normal person it causes the potency for compassion, assistance, complicity, etc. family, partner - not saving the patient is tantamount to betrayal. However, as always, a fine line is hidden in the details. More and more we are being taught that codependency is about destructive relationships - "like a suitcase without a handle, it's hard to carry, but it's a pity to leave." Perhaps this confusion happened because alcoholism (where the theory of codependency originates) in our society is not considered as a disease, in contrast to where the concept itself came from. Nevertheless, the difficulty lies precisely in the fact that there is always an element of disease (disorder) in it, and it is not so easy to get rid of the disease as it is from incorrect attitudes or destructive behavior. You can agree with your partner not to be violent, humiliate or manipulate, but you cannot say “stop being sick” and expect that a person will “pull himself together” and get well … This is the core of the codependency problem. So one depends on the disease (and often does not notice it himself), and those who are near - directly from the addict.

This is partly because illness evokes natural feelings leading to compassion and help, but the longer it lasts, the more difficult it is to notice where help is really needed and constructive, and where it has developed into destructive codependency and put illness at the center of family relationships. And over time, this leads to the fact that psychosomatic disorders and diseases begin to manifest themselves in the codependent himself and children begin to suffer the most in this union. You've probably heard stories like this too:

“I was a diligent boy, I never swore with anyone or quarreled with anyone, I studied at 4-5, on the way home I went to the pharmacy and for bread, immediately did my homework, vacuumed, washed dishes, never brought friends to the house and tried not walk with no one on the street, because my mother had a bad heart, my mother could not be worried"

“It was not customary for us to swear, in our house it was always quiet. We did not listen to music, watched TV very rarely, tried not to talk loudly or laugh, because my mother almost always had a headache”

“The food in the house was disgusting, I tried to dine with one of my classmates or I ate bread. We did not go to the sea, did not go to visit and did not go to the park, rides, etc. Dad had stomach problems"

“We almost never had a heart-to-heart talk with my mother. She was fixated on jars of diet food for her dad in the hospital, she had to do the male housework herself, everyday life, earnings - everything was on her. And my dad was always sick with something and he was examined for one thing or another, but the doctors did not find anything. Annoyed and angry, she asked to leave her alone, and then before going to bed she came to apologize and said that her head was just bursting with everything that had fallen on her, and here we were …"

In addition to the fact that such an atmosphere “deprives the child of childhood”, it also sets him up a destructive family scenario, and, entering his personal, adult family, he somehow unconsciously takes the role of one of the parents, either “forever sick” or “hyperresponsible lifeguard ". Very often, clients admit that the spouse had symptoms of the disease before the wedding, but they, as it were, "did not attach such importance to them." The embodiment of the role of a rescuer can lead to the fact that in a union where the disease is not psychosomatic, and with the right tactics it could be diagnosed and stopped in time, the “rescuer partner” unconsciously contributes in every possible way to make it chronic, tk. he does not know another model and seeks to preserve the illness of a loved one in order to realize his scenario of codependent behavior. These may be cases when mothers themselves treat various diseases in children with "folk methods", "popular psychosomatics", "medical appointments on the Internet", etc., starting the condition to the point of no return.

Conversely, the patient's recourse to psychosomatic disorders and illnesses may also be an unconscious desire to play a role in the script of codependency learned from childhood. Speaking about the fact that it is controversial whether alcoholism is a whim or a disease, other diseases provoked by the patient himself or by accident may look like this. Pay attention to how often relatives speak about the state of their partners: “The husband himself says that from the first puff his head starts to spin, his heart pounds madly, it seems to him that the attack cannot be avoided, but he courageously overrides himself and smokes, and then swallows pills, promising to quit each time. I hide cigarettes, ask my friends not to smoke in front of him, so as not to annoy, sniff him, check pockets, get up at night, look for evidence that he smoked in the kitchen, but he continues to complain and smoke, where, how, I don’t know … I'm just desperate."

“No talk helps, I began to avoid holidays and birthdays, we stopped visiting because she eats up, and then again soon, pains, cramps, diets and so on. I even somehow caught myself thinking that when we sit down at the table, I immediately pounce on all the junk food, if only she had nothing left, and we start a scandal over food …"

“Once he even had Quincke's edema, I miraculously ended up at home, we had to call an ambulance, and the doctor said that if he didn’t stop doing it, then the next time he could simply not be saved. But he doesn't listen to anyone, drinks some antihistamines, waits for half an hour and continues his …"

“We have discussed this a hundred times, you can’t skip and you can’t inject more, but even after surviving to whom she continues to inject and eat as necessary. I have to set reminders, postpone some things, just to control whether she injected or not, and in the meantime, the further, the more I cannot work, pictures pop up all the time in front of my eyes that suddenly something went wrong and she already in a coma, but I sit here and do nothing ….

And the patients themselves continue "only a little bit" and "only on holidays" to drive their loved ones crazy. Here are only isolated phrases, details, the very situations that stand behind them sometimes cause a feeling of helplessness in the psychotherapist himself, what can we say about the client. But there are other situations in which the partner receives a conscious secondary benefit (and it is not always obvious which spouse is in the role of victim or rescuer). And if there is nothing shameful to skip the line at the clinic for family members of a disabled person, then there are other fine lines of manipulation that are not so easy to detect. I will give one example from practice, with permission and from the words of the client:

“My grandmother always protected my grandfather from unnecessary worries - he had a bad heart. She conveyed to us its principles and requirements, but the clarification of all controversial issues nipped in the bud. "You know that Nikita Sergeich has a bad heart, he shouldn't be worried, but you go in with such questions, you want him to die?" - she said to my mother. We had mixed feelings for my grandfather, on the one hand, he always greeted us kindly, played different games and almost never scolded. On the other hand, we, in fact, were afraid to do something wrong, because we knew about his heavy temper and toughness. Only when grandfather died did it become obvious that grandmother was in charge of all the questions, and he did not even suspect how she put spokes in our wheels on his behalf."

Often, mental disorders in loved ones become the very "bonus" that give some people the opportunity to achieve what they want from society, "writing off" everything on the disorder of the grandmother-grandfather ("well, such quirks," etc.). In my practice, there were cases when mothers with "special" children, hearing that it was possible to restore certain functions and arrange a child in a regular school (then there was no talk of inclusion), answered that it would be better to work with the child themselves at home, and he will be "made" disabled and will receive benefits from the state, etc. Such cases are not uncommon, and partly negatively set the commissions towards other families who really need help, but receive distrust, coldness, etc., which in turn only worsens their psychological state.

One way or another, despite the confusion and constant tautology, if I was able to convey the meaning and essence of the ongoing dysfunction - codependency in families with psychosomatic disorders and diseases, the questionnaire below will help to determine whether there are any rudiments of this or that relationship or not.

Test for the presence of codependency in psychosomatic families *

1. Does it happen that you quarrel with a sick person because of his illness?

2. Have you ever had a desire "pass" to your loved one’s hospital?

3. Do you believe that the state of health / illness of your loved one depends on your behavior (“do not disturb”, “do not provoke with food”, “be quiet”, etc.)?

4. Did you have to break up with some of your friends because of your partner's illness?

5. Do you try to avoid conflicts and even conversations related to the illness of a loved one?

6. Can you say that your life rests only on you (you are responsible for almost everything, you control everything)?

7. Have you thought about divorce due to your partner's illness?

8. Do you fear what will happen to your family if the disease never goes away?

9. Did you get the feeling of “getting sick yourself” so that the situation of “compassion” turned in your direction?

10. Have you thought that the illness of a loved one is the only obstacle to happiness, well-being, etc.?

11. Do you feel angry that a lot of money is being spent on tests, medications and treatments?

12. Do you get angry and irritated when someone else (not your partner) is sick?

13. Do you refuse various social activities because of your partner's illness?

14. Do you feel ashamed, embarrassed in front of other people in connection with the illness of your loved one?

15. Would you say that your family's life "revolves" around the health status of one of its members?

16. Do you feel guilty and ashamed for having “bad” thoughts towards your sick partner?

17. Do you try to keep silent about your personal feelings and experiences so as not to harm your partner's well-being?

18. Do you ignore your discomfort or symptoms of illness as less significant than what happens to your partner and do not require examination, special treatment, etc.?

19. Do you experience relief and peace when your partner is inpatient (hospitalized)?

20. Do you feel unhappy because you work off your sins, karma, etc.?

If you answered “Yes” to at least 5 questions, there is a high probability that you develop a strong emotional dependence on your loved one *.

I will write about the plan for getting out of this "codependency" in the next article. However, before starting a conversation about “what to do,” it is important to note that NOT EVERY DISORDER AND DISEASE IS PSYCHOSOMATIC. The existing misconception that "all diseases are from the brain" not only confuses the client and the therapist in choosing the tactics of psychotherapy, but also complicates the work, because surely, instead of the problem itself, irrational guilt, resentment, anger, etc. come to the surface, without having worked through which it is impossible to start working directly with the request.

Continuation Leaving codependent relationships in psychosomatic families

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* Test for the presence of codependency in psychosomatic families // Lobazova A. A. "What is important to know to relatives of a cancer patient." Informational methodological manual in the framework of the program of support and rehabilitation of cancer patients in the MC "Panacea 21st Century". Kharkov, 2008.