2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The most common mistake at the beginning of a relationship, which is mostly found in women, is to jump quickly into the arms of a partner under the influence of a powerful flow of hormones and emotions. The butterflies in the stomach with their airy charms turn off the brain and prevent you from seeing your partner as he really is. In the pink light, big and small "errors" are either ignored, or acquire a slight charm and delight.
He does not snore, but purrs like a well-fed cat and causes only a tear of emotion with his gnarled hands, which are not intended for housework. True, he can turn off the phone and disappear for a week, and every evening he is drunk, but … as he plays the guitar!
This happens when she misses the pre-contact and "flies into contact" with a running start, not having time to notice either herself with her condition, or the peculiarities of another person nearby. Trying in every possible way to avoid feelings and sensations in the body, she immediately begins to act. And then it becomes familiar and calm.
Precontact is most often felt by the appearance of anxiety (excitement, irritation) - when the bubbles of need are just beginning to ripen inside, heated up from an unknown source of energy, the heat of which is unbearable to contain … and an acute desire comes to throw it out. It is difficult to assume that this energy appears precisely in order to be attentive to ourselves, to listen to feelings and to understand what we really want. And only after that, begin to carefully "sniff" the environment, closely looking at the details. In order not to accidentally mistake a scorpion for a cooing pigeon. Indeed, in the blurry radiance of dreams, the sting easily turns into wings. Infantilism - into immediacy … alcoholism - into extravagance … tyranny - into masculinity, etc.
When a need is found (for example, I want intimacy), a search begins for the possibility of satisfying the need in the external environment, or understanding the impossibility of satisfying it (for example, with an alcoholic musician, only sex is possible, not intimacy).
If it is impossible to satisfy the need, it would be logical to continue looking further, from whom she can or wants to receive it … but it was not there. The energy directed to the partner instead of himself envelops him in an incredibly attractive halo, forcing him to concentrate on the feelings that he evokes, and not on his essence (and he also breathes a light and such a cozy smell of beer, like from his father, who kissed before bed and straightening the blanket).
And so she jumps into his bed, they begin to live together and after a while suffering comes - the need, after all, remained unsatisfied. The guitar is no longer happy, but annoying. She endures, adjusts, betrays herself. Or he tries to change him, throws tantrums, punishes him with a lack of sex. Perhaps she will understand that this bearded stranger is not at all the one she dreamed of. Leaves, slamming the door. Or wait until he cheats on her, to make sure that "all men are goats" and get the pity of others as a bonus.
This happens if you miss a possibly tedious and unbearable, but so necessary and important pre-contact.
Indeed, in order to see the other person clearly and very clearly, the relationship must develop slowly, because the formation of a realistic view of each other, understanding and acceptance of the merits and demerits takes time.
And extremely honest answers to questions:
Will I be able to be with a person who does not give me what I need so much?
Or maybe I can't, but I will do my best to change it?
Do I want to be with him if nothing changes?
Long-term relationships can only be built if a person really wants it, knowing that the partner will not change, no matter how hard he tries.
Only in this situation can you learn to hear each other and negotiate. Moreover, each of the couple will necessarily change in the process, but the initial desire to be with what is is the only criterion that the other person is really needed, important and dear.
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