2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The temptation to betray myself, turn away from my life and look at someone else's with envy, sometimes arises in me completely unexpectedly. For me to betray is to consider what is happening to you as something completely unimportant. You need to leave everything - and find yourself somewhere in someone else's cycle of life. We urgently need to start some other life. Which one is unclear, but certainly not what you live now - even if an hour or two ago you were quite satisfied with yourself (this is at least) with how you live now. But there really are many places or events where other people feel good and happy without you (and this does not mean that they feel bad with you); there are many places or events where others feel good that you are not there. There are places where they don't even remember about you, although they know about you. There are peaks that I cannot reach, because I chose to climb others - and someone ended up there, where you by your choice will never find yourself - or you will climb, but much later. And then this temptation arises - to turn away from your life, to experience what is happening to you now as not valuable, but what happens without you - as the only important thing, and to yearn for this, and stop seeing what surrounds you.
What helps to meet this temptation and return to yourself, and not endlessly yearn for where I am not and, perhaps, will not be? What allows you to be equal to yourself, not to jump out of your own skin and not try to pull someone else's on yourself? Several years ago, I found magic words for myself, which I have already shared here - but it will never be superfluous to repeat them. These are the words of J. Tolkien, which he wrote to publisher Stanley Unwin, tired of constant discussions about whether it is possible to publish such a "wrong" novel as "The Lord of the Rings", and that maybe it should be edited by about half … or even rewrite it altogether.
“This book was written with my blood, thick or thin - as it is. I can’t do more.”
… This life is written with my blood, thick or liquid - as it is. I can’t do more, and I don’t have any other blood. And therefore, all these attempts to bleed oneself are useless, with the frenzied demand "pour me another !!!" and "cut these fingers for not having you" … You can write with the blood of your heart - and then my "book" can take its place among the favorite works of some good person. And she can be next, on the same shelf, with the book of the one whom he was so jealous of and in whose skin he so wanted to be. Surprisingly, they can be equally valuable, although the authors are very different.
It took me several years to realize this fact.
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