Narcissistic Client. In Search Of Identity

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The usual sensitivity to approval or criticism is common in all healthy people. The narcissist is concerned with self-image in the eyes of others and maintaining his own self-esteem, often to the detriment of everything that surrounds her and can be valuable in her life. Narcissistic personality disorders range from vulnerable and unstable self-esteem, depression tendencies, toxic shame and envy to serious addictions, deviant behavior, sexual perversion and antisocial, sadistic manifestations. The propensity for narcissistic disorders is laid down in early childhood. This is partly influenced by the circumstances in which the child is born. But very much the future character of a child is determined by the mother's sensitivity, empathic attitude towards him, and her ability to take care of him well enough, maintaining an emotional connection with the child and helping him in the important process of forming an identity.

S. Hotchkis describes in detail the process of "separation-individuation", which is most important for the formation of identity and the formation of a child's psychological autonomy, lasting from the end of infancy to 3 years, and aimed at establishing the boundaries between the child's "I" and the adult caring for him. “All children go through a stage where the idea of their grandeur and omnipotence is a normal way of thinking, and the feeling of having full right that accompanies these attitudes can cause anger in an irritated infant. At the beginning of this stage, shame is not included in the child's emotional spectrum, but it will become his main weapon in the struggle before his emotional development in early childhood is completed. It is the degree to which children learn to deal well with shame that will determine whether it becomes a narcissistic person.”

When a child begins to walk, he becomes more and more physically autonomous from his mother, but he is not yet able to independently cope with his overexcitation from pleasure or frustration. A strong bond with the mother allows the child to fearlessly explore the world around him. At the same time, these studies lead to prohibitions on the part of the mother: the more active the child becomes, the more "it is impossible" he hears, which periodically brings him into a natural state of "slight despondency" at this stage. In fact, this is the time when the child learns to cope with his emotions, which serves to form a separate "I" and a certain emotional restraint. This stage is called “practice” and lasts from about 10 to 18 months. At the stage of symbiotic fusion, the mother's task is to be a constant figure showing enough joy, admiration and love. At the stage of separation, the child must face the realistic prohibitions necessary for his successful socialization. The inevitable limitations create a strong emotion of shame. Experiencing it for the first time, the child experiences it as a betrayal by the mother of their ideal fusion. The task of the mother is to inflict the trauma of understanding the separateness and the not always dominant position of the child, carefully and delicately. Excessive shame that the child is unable to deal with will form a narcissistic personality. If the ratio of frustration and support that the mother gives is adequate to the development and abilities of the child, this will serve to increase his emotional autonomy and gradual liberation from the narcissistic stage in his development.

The process of "separation-individuation" ends with the stage of "restoration of relations" (18-36 months). At this age, a child can do much more than a 10-month-old baby, but he becomes more timid, as he becomes more aware of his vulnerability, separation from his mother and part with delusions about his greatness. Mood and behavior become ambivalent: the still split child's psyche is alternately in a state of hatred for the "bad" mother, then in a state of love for her "good". With anger and rage, the child reacts to the loss of the illusion of control over the generous and powerful Mother and the awareness of his place in her life and in the world. Then he returns to her to calm down and make sure that his mother is still in a relationship with him. At the end of this stage, the child should have a realistic sense of self and an awareness of the autonomy of others. Re-narcissistic issues and the tasks of finding one's own identity unfold during adolescence. The prognosis of successful completion of this stage often depends on the experience of an earlier period.

Stuck at the stage of infantile narcissism, without going through the process of "separation-individuation", the child's psyche gradually forms narcissistic defenses and develops in a narcissistic manner. A child overwhelmed with shame, and never learned to cope with it, will try with all his might to avoid it. In the process of development, this can lead either to the abandonment of one's own “I” for the sake of the requirements of parents, society, and the formation of a false identity, or to more serious personal pathologies of a narcissistic nature.

O. Kernberg identifies 3 types of narcissism: normal adult, normal infantile and pathological narcissism.

Normal adult narcissism characteristic of a healthy, psychologically autonomous personality with a holistic identity, in which "good" and "bad" parts of the personality are integrated, which absorbs, rather than splits them. Thanks to this, a person can regulate his self-esteem and is able to enter into deep relationships with others to satisfy his needs, having a stable value system. Achieve your goals, participate in mature competition, rejoice at your successes. Kernberg writes about the following paradox: the integration of love and hate is a prerequisite for the ability to love normally.

Infantile narcissism stands out as a stage of development, to which, under certain circumstances, the psyche of a healthy person can also regress. On its basis, character pathologies arise at the level of neurosis, which fits into the framework of a conditional psychological norm. Even with a wounded self-esteem and a certain narcissistic vulnerability, such a person has an integrated “I” and a holistic perception of himself and others.

For pathological narcissism not normal structure of "I" is characteristic, which can belong to one of two types.

In the first case a person is constantly looking for a symbiotic relationship in which he can identify with a partner through idealization, projecting his infantile “I” onto him, as if exchanging his functions with a partner. Although these narcissistic conflicts are more serious than neuroses, they still partially correspond to the integrated self. This is the so-called "pseudo-mature personality", often serving as a "narcissistic extension" of one or both narcissistic parents and seeking to build an identity in adulthood by merging with someone powerful and strong.

The second, more severe type of pathological narcissism is a narcissistic personality in the proper sense of the word. This special type of pathology of character assumes that the patient has a pathological grandiose "I". When discounted or rejected parts of the self are split off or dissociated, repressed or projected. Man has not mentally achieved the so-called "object constancy". In his inner world, there is still a "bad" and "good" mother. Internal splitting makes him perceive split and images of the people around him. Identity is diffuse, not integrated, which is why the psyche constantly needs to maintain narcissistic homeostasis. Stabilization is achieved through the establishment of a symbiotic relationship, recreating experiences of grandeur, greatness and omnipotence. This type corresponds to the borderline level of the organization of the psyche.

On a superficial level, narcissistic personality disorder may be almost invisible. Consciously, such clients demonstrate the integrity and consistency of knowledge about themselves, but they are not able to perceive other people in a whole and volumetric manner. Specific features often become visible only in the process of diagnosis: excessive dependence on the love and admiration of others, the contradiction between the inflated "I" and the recurring feeling of inferiority and inferiority, pallor of emotions, weak ability to empathy, hypochondriacal concern for their health. They may lack a sense of humor, or a sense of proportion, they are prone to strong, often unconscious affects of envy and shame, which can manifest itself in the form of shamelessness, and are dominated by the primitive defenses characteristic of the borderline personality. Narcissists often act as exploiters and parasites in interpersonal relationships. With the ability to be superficially charming, they are manipulative, show coldness and cruelty and tend to unconsciously "spoil" what they received from others, due to internal conflicts of envy.

Some narcissistic personalities have the general impulsivity, paranoid tendencies, and narcissistic rage of the borderline. A common and common problem for them is the large gap between ability and ambition. Others are characterized by all kinds of sexual and / or sado-masochistic perversions at the level of fantasies or actions, self-damaging behavior, pathological lies. In especially severe forms of pathology, the grandeur and pathological idealization of the "I" can be supported by a sense of triumph over fear and pain, for which the narcissist seeks to cause fear and pain in others. The more pronounced antisocial and sadistic personality tendencies, the worse the prognosis for therapy.

Narcissistic clients with neurotic personality structures are able to integrate aggression into identity to some extent through sublimation. They are capable of experiencing depression, which indicates a clinically more favorable type of aggression. Their self-esteem is also dependent on other people, but they are more capable of establishing permanent relationships and their internal conflicts are easier to resolve in therapy. The most highly functioning of them adapt relatively adequately, sublimating aggression into achievements.

H. Kohut calls the mental inability to regulate self-esteem and maintain it at a normal level as the main source of anxiety caused by the awareness of vulnerability and fragility of identity in narcissistic disorders. He speaks of early severe disappointment in the mother caused by her insufficient empathic and attentive care of the child, or a long physical absence. When she did not perform the functions of a barrier against strong stimuli in a sufficient volume for the child and did not serve as an object of pleasure, calming and consolation, these are the functions that a person performs or initiates for himself in adulthood. Such early deprivation in the form of a violation of the symbiotic connection leads to the fact that the optimal states of peace and comfort are not built into the psyche, too much anxiety is generated, which the infant cannot cope with on its own. This fixes the child's psyche on the so-called "archaic" objects, and serves the formation of a dependent character … The object of dependence is not a replacement for loving and beloved objects or relationships with them, but compensation for a defect in an undeveloped psychological structure. It is needed to restore that early disturbed state of symbiosis, surrounding with warm bliss and pleasure, eliminating all anxieties.

With these earliest disorders of attachment, the child's “separation-individuation” process often already proceeds with certain distortions, leaving the formation of identity and autonomy incomplete, and sometimes significantly disturbed.

Pathologically narcissistic individuals are able to derive all sorts of benefits from their own pathology. Therefore, they either avoid therapy, or come to it mainly for the purpose of acting out their aggressive affects and asserting their own grandeur. In this regard, it is very important for the therapist to navigate the levels of severity of narcissistic disorders in order not to maintain pathological forms of organizing the client's contact. By middle age, and sometimes, due to certain life circumstances - even earlier, the narcissistic defenses weaken, and if such a person comes to therapy, it can be very effective.

In the therapeutic process, narcissistic dynamics often unfold on a non-verbal level. Splitting causes the client to unconsciously project onto the therapist either their grandiose or their insignificant, discounted portions. The narcissist either broadcasts his contempt to the therapist, often in a very poorly concealed form, or he raises it to the skies. If the therapist is resistant to idealization and devaluation, these phenomena become simply part of the working material. The work is constantly accompanied by the feeling that there is only one person in contact: the grandiose client and his insignificance projected onto the therapist, or the ashamed, wounded client and the ideality and infallibility projected onto the therapist, etc. When the therapist tries to notice and clarify the nuances of interaction, the narcissist tends to be angry or bored, and perceive them in projection - as the therapist's need to get a mirror for himself from the client. The personality of the therapist himself is constantly, as it were, excluded from the reality of contact. There is no place for him in it at all. As there is no place for the personality of the mother in the psyche of a very young child, since he is completely absorbed in himself, and perceives it as an extension of himself.

The narcissistic client will act out the need for omnipotent control, expecting the therapist to be as good as the client wants him to be. But it is no better than the client himself, so that he does not fall into the strong affect of envy and shame, which hits his self-esteem. When the narcissistic client receives something of value from the therapist, he may give a paradoxical frustration response, thus acting out the feeling of envy. He is often characterized by the so-called unconscious "robbing" of the therapist, appropriating his knowledge and thoughts, attributing them to himself. Compensating in this way envy and affirming his grandiose "I", the client through such pathological idealization, as it were, confirms for himself that he does not need relationships with others. However, at a certain stage of therapy, this may be tolerated by the therapist, since it serves to better adaptation and autonomy of the client, and reduces envy.

The narcissistic client as a whole is characterized by unrealistic expectations (perfectionism) and primitive idealization, followed by disappointment and depreciation. Increasing the ability to cope with disappointment without resorting to devaluation is one of the goals of therapy. This reduces the need to idealize oneself and others and gradually allows the client to abandon the idea of his own grandeur in favor of a more realistic, and therefore more adaptive, self-concept. So instead of striving for an unattainable ideal (a grandiose outcome), or suffering from a sense of their own defectiveness in case of failure, it is important for narcissists to learn to experience their realistic and natural imperfection (depressive outcome), recognizing its inherent human weaknesses and without losing self-esteem. They also need to be able to recognize their real experiences, present them without shame, and acknowledge their need for close relationships, at the risk of becoming vulnerable. These skills integrate new emotional experiences that form a more holistic and psychologically autonomous identity.