Devaluation By The Narcissistic Client

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I am publishing my old, but still relevant article about working with a client with narcissistic dynamics. I was inspired to write the note by a colleague's question about how to work with a narcissistic client and withstand devaluation. I will share my experience and my reflections.

The article discusses the features of working with a client with narcissistic trauma. In the language of a dynamic concept of personality, with a person whose narcissistic part is more schizoid and neurotic, or who "limps" to a "narcissistic head". There are a lot of such people. There are still other cases, for example, narcissistic psychopathy, but there will be other features of the work and in this article I will not consider them. Perhaps some general principles of how to withstand narcissistic depreciation in contact with this category of clients can also work, I cannot judge with certainty, because I have no such experience.

I intend to talk about what helps to stay in contact with the narcissistic client from the perspective of a therapist, but in general, this can be seen as simply thinking about how to feel yourself - not "less" and not "worse" than you are. - in contact with a devaluating interlocutor. Indeed, in different situations, one way or another, we can all devalue another person and even our close people can devalue us.

I have highlighted the following for myself:

1) Remember who I am. That is, its real "size". That I am definitely not the most stupid, incompetent, unconscious, insensitive, inexperienced specialist. And I am not the most person at all … Not the most "none" and not the most insignificant. But not the most "well done", of course. An ordinary person, in general, I can do something well, something is bad, in some I am competent, in some I am not, in some I am well versed, but in some I am not very good.

That is, first you need to get acquainted with your own characteristics, accept them, and then just remember about it in time when a client comes, who manifests himself in contact as a narcissist. In order to remember them in time, you need to get out of the merger with the complex feelings that you begin to experience during depreciation. This is a certain mental work, which can be quite energy-consuming.

2) Asking the client why they need a discounted therapist. Here the client walked "like a tank" in my competence, and maybe in my appearance and personal characteristics, so he actively shows me what a bad psychologist I am … And I will ask: why are you doing this? Why do you need a therapist whom you have devalued now? This question can provide important material for therapy and your interactions. It is also important to track at what point the client depreciates: in prekontakte, in the contacting phase, or in postkontakte.

For example, the depreciation in prekontakte may be due to the fact that the client is simply afraid of the psychologist. Or depreciates at the end of the work … Perhaps the client does this to make it easier for him to leave the psychologist. These are all important features of contact organization. They can provide a lot of material for joint research with the client.

When we are depreciated in ordinary life, especially our loved ones, everything is somewhat more complicated, in my opinion. Because these are close people, and the relationship with them is special. But the principle is the same for me. If the words of a loved one touch me and I start to fall into shame, for example … Then, I hope, I will remember that I am definitely not the most "bad" person, and that my interlocutor devalues me for a reason, behind his devaluation are his feelings and some of his need.

From this follows the third point:

3) While working it is worth remembering: the need is behind the depreciation. This is probably the key point for me in dealing with a narcissistic client. It is important to understand what the need is hidden behind the "narcissistic" armor. And what kind of person is hiding behind this armor.

It must be remembered that a narcissistic client is a person with a narcissistic trauma. Behind his powerful "narcissistic armor" lies a lot of pain. And this person needs to be supported so that he can manifest, show his pain, tell the psychologist about his experiences.

Here you can recall the phrase of Gianni Franchesetti: "When pain goes to the border of contact, beauty is obtained." And this, in my opinion, describes well the peculiarities of working with narcissistic clients. When a person takes the courage to come out of the "narcissistic shell" and share his pain with me, very important things happen, I can call them touching trust and human warmth that arise between people - the very "beauty" of human relations. These are important and healing moments.

These moments end, the person climbs back into the "narcissistic shell", but it is very important that he received this experience. Then he again may want to "get out" and, perhaps, will stay longer without his narcissistic defenses.

As a final point, it's important to add: restrictions.

4) Everyone has limitations. There are limitations to the therapist, the client, and the therapy itself. We cannot do everything - and this is important to accept. Some will heal, some will not. It may be healed later, or it may not. But it is important to accept the limitations and the impossibility of this world to be perfect, the limitations and the impossibility of man to be perfect.

At the end of the post, I can say that two things helped me a lot in understanding how to deal with depreciation: personal therapy and the experience of depreciation itself. For example, due to the fact that I was devalued as a psychologist, through this experience in professional development, I gained more stability. I think this happened because, in response to the depreciation, it was important for me to notice and explore my boundaries, opportunities and limitations.

P. S. The depreciation by the narcissistic client is one part of the story, one side of the coin. There is another - when a client praises you very much, "raises up narcissistically." I think the same principles should be applied to "narcissistic elevation" as to depreciation.

Autumn 2015.