He (a) Pisses Me Off, Or How Is It Right To Quarrel? How To Get Out Of Quarrels?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Any quarrel that ends with a successful reconciliation will help you get closer to your partner. Immediately during a quarrel, emotional inclusion is definitely necessary - swear, express dissatisfaction, do not be silent and talk about your feelings (anger, resentment, irritation, desire to change something). The release of emotions is an integral part of any scandal. If you do not express your emotional experiences, the relationship will become dead, and unspoken grievances will accumulate and manifest themselves in other little things.

There are unspoken rules for quarrels:

1. Bodily beatings towards a partner should not be tolerated (this is a violation of personal boundaries and safety in a couple).
2. You can not get personal (call names (fool, idiot, etc.) and humiliate a person with foul language).

A person does not deserve such an attitude just because he touched with words or actions some string of the soul and an unhealed wound of his partner, which still hurts. Perhaps it really was a provocation on the part of the partner to express specific feelings, but still he is not directly responsible for the response. The manifestation of such emotions means that the soul of the interlocutor does not have a sufficiently strong core that would allow controlling the expression of feelings. Understanding and accepting this fact is painful and unpleasant for many people, but it must be taken into account for the harmonious development of future relationships.

A way out of a quarrel implies a constructive dialogue after an emotional storm, during which both interlocutors are in a fit of rage, hysterics, accumulated resentment interfere with making correct and deliberate decisions (in a state of passion, the brain is clouded).

Some people experience the insults inflicted for a very long time (week, month), so you need to let your partner calm down, come to his senses, and think about your actions. Only then can you talk to each other honestly and frankly.

How to get out of a quarrel correctly?

1. It is recommended to use "I-messages" in a dialogue with a partner (I feel angry when you do not wash your mug after yourself, do not close the shampoo, etc.).
2. Suggest an alternative (Please do this … I would feel much more comfortable and calm).
3. Listen to your partner's reaction. Perhaps the proposed alternative does not suit him due to a certain psychological barrier or trauma.
4. Find a compromise together. It is imperative to be attentive to the wishes of the partner, to listen to your feelings, to ensure that the balance in the compromise is always observed (efforts should be made by both partners, regardless of the level of tension experienced).
5. It is important to realize that quarrels are not a horror that needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. This is a necessary and natural condition for the development of warm and intimate relationships in a couple, especially up to 7 years of marriage. It is believed that during this period, partners rub against each other, recognize hidden fears and pains.

The Indian professor of philosophy Osho believed that without anger there can be no love. Gestalt therapy teaches partners to see each other as personalities, not functions. To do this, first of all, it is necessary to successfully solve the conflicts that have arisen, to understand the interests and needs of another person, not to be afraid to open your painful points in front of a loved one, explaining the true reason for the occurrence of an emotional reaction. This is the only way to get closer in a relationship.