Any Grief Needs To Be Burned Out. How Is It To Burn Off?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Any grief must be burned out

The psychology of loss

I am writing this article during the period of realizing my "negative" experience in psychotherapeutic practice. "Failed" consultations, within a month, one after another. Now, looking back and analyzing why it was not possible to continue working with these clients, I understand: then I was not ready to withstand their grief, or rather anger towards myself. Anger and annoyance that literally stunned me in all cases. In one case, in a telephone conversation, when the caller, constantly confusing my name, tried to “pick me up right now” and take me to her home so that I could consult at her home. In another - from the first steps of crossing my office, when the client began to complain to me that I was not what a psychologist should be)). In the third case: when five people were “piled” into my office for an individual consultation, without prior approval. In the fourth - when, after a fairly productive (this is my assessment of the session) an hour and a half of work, a married couple, with an imperturbable look, asked: “Is that all? So, what should we do now ?? ….."

Ahh….

For the first time I felt on myself what emotional burnout, disappointment and total dissatisfaction with my work is. The worst thing is that the fear of not coping, doubts about professional competence began to spread to other clients who had been in therapy for more than one year.

None of these patients came back. Over the years of practice, this has never happened, and I had to understand what was happening? What united them all?

Until you have received an answer to your question, the situation is scrolling through your head, in search of a logical conclusion. This phenomenon, at one time, was discovered by the famous psychologist of the early 20th century B. V. Zeigarnik. It is called - open gestalt.

I closed my gestalt for the listed cases by analyzing the anamnesis that I managed to collect in one session. In all cases, people experienced loss. Loss. Grief. In two cases it was the death of a loved one, in the other two - a divorce that took place and the threat of divorce (remember how he sings in the famous song of A. Pugachev: "parting is a little death"?). Their reactions were absolutely predictable and "normal", given the pain that burst outward during communication in the form of aggression, fear, anxiety, devaluation. I didn't understand it right away. Only now. And then I was angry with myself, indignant, irritated: “How can you not understand that in one meeting it is impossible to solve a problem that lasts 10 years, 5 years. How do they not understand this ???"

And they are in pain … And they want, demand that I ease their pain … Right now, here, right away. To make it a little easier.

It would be different now. After all, I already know enough about psychological trauma, about grief, about PTSD to touch this wound and be with the person until the pain subsides.

Knowledge will not bring back lost people, will not change the past. But they give an understanding of what is happening. They do not give anesthesia, do not "blur the eyes". Over time, they give peace and acceptance of what happened. They give hope that you can continue to live with this.

Here I will share my knowledge of grief. What is grief? What does it mean to experience grief? What does it mean to grieve? What stages are included in this living, what should be prepared for a survivor after a tragedy, who lost a loved one as a result of his death or during divorce, separation, parental separation. What kind of help from loved ones do people experiencing loss need? How a psychotherapist can help.

What is grief?

Grief is a reaction to the loss of a loved one. Moreover, it can be both the physical death of a loved one, and the "death of an image" during divorce, separation, as well as separation (separation) from the parent of a grown child. At the same time, we can talk about the norm and pathology of mourning. I really hope that the reader will understand my need to formalize the pain of loss somewhat in order to explain it.

Living grief "normally", a person experiences the pain of loss that is difficult to bear, while trying to preserve the memory of a loved one and find the strength to live in the present. Pathology occurs if one of the stages is missed, not lived. Then there is a fixation. I will write more about this below.

The process of living and recovering after loss can be roughly divided into the following phases, stages:

Learning about death, a person experiences shock … It’s impossible to believe what happened.

No, it can't be

The duration of this period is approximately 7-9 days. A person may appear detached, indifferent, seeking solitude, avoiding communication. Maybe, outwardly calmly, to engage in the necessary current affairs: preparing for the funeral, performing some routine work, or simply fencing off from what is happening, as if nothing had happened. It is assumed that the psychological defense is triggered - denial. When the horror of what is happening is too difficult to bear, we deny it.

Then comes the aggressive stage … The person can experience intense irritation and anger. This is due to strong frustration, with the inability to stay in the past with the deceased (s). A person is looking for those to blame for death. Often, anger is directed at the deceased (shuyu) himself, or at loved ones, or at himself.

How could you (could) do this to me, leave, leave

If I had not left, nothing would have happened to him (her)

It would be better if you died (la) instead of him (her)

This feeling of anger can be provoked by any external stimuli, attempts by loved ones to return the sufferer (s) to the present. Anger, mingling with the powerlessness to reclaim the past, can reach blind rage. A person can destroy everything around him, literally bang his head against a wall. Despair that nothing can be returned. The deeper the trauma, the stronger the rage.

The next stage of grief is longing. The bereaved person makes attempts to return the departed (shuyu), denying the loss. The feeling that he (she) will enter the room, call. Some passer-by may remind the deceased (shuya), visual, auditory hallucinations may occur that he (she) is somewhere nearby.

The stages of denial and search last 5-12 days, they smoothly pass from one to another, while the stage of shock may still persist.

The acute grief stage lasts up to 6-7 weeks after the loss. This period is characterized by the most difficult complex of feelings: guilt, fear, anger, anxiety, meaninglessness of existence, loneliness, helplessness. Somatic symptoms may occur - muscle weakness, ulcerative colitis, asthma. Feeling of emptiness in the stomach, tightness in the chest, lump in the throat. A person living in grief is absorbed in the image of the deceased, idealizing him. The acute grief phase is a serious test both for the grieving person and for his or her environment. Everyone annoys him (her), he (she) wants to retire with his grief and with the image of the deceased. There is a greater risk of abuse of psychotropic drugs, alcoholism - as a way to maintain a comfort zone.

How can you live peacefully when he (she) is not

Leave me alone

But this is also a critical stage, during which a person says goodbye to the inner image of the deceased (she), separates from him.

(I, at one time, came across the book by Y. Voznesenskaya "My posthumous adventures", which is still rethought by me and has an impact on my life).

3-4 months after the loss, there is a period of "good" and "bad" days. Aggression and irritation increase. Against the background of a reduced functioning of the immune system, the risk of colds is possible.

After about six months, the depressive stage sets in. It escalates during family holidays, memorable dates that were previously celebrated together. A piercing sadness manifests itself in thoughts and phrases:

Spring came without him (her) … There is no one to tell about.., he (she) would advise (a).. His (her) things … His (her) room, everything as he (she) loved (a) …

Then comes the recovery stage … It lasts about a year. For a year, a complete cycle occurs in nature. During this period, physiological functions, social roles, and professional activity are restored. Grief is experienced by attacks. Attacks are very acute, sudden, or associated with any memorable dates (anniversary of death, birthday, etc.). At first, exacerbations may be more frequent, then less often. The wound heals, heals. But the scar remains forever. It is probably impossible to fully survive the grief. You can reconcile with him.

And about a year later, the final stage begins. The pain becomes more bearable. Life takes its toll. To create in memory the image of the departed (s), to find a place for this image in the stream of life - this is the psychological task of this period. And, then, a person who has suffered a loss will be able to love others, find new meanings, leaving the past in the past.

"Normal" and pathological grief

Most often, a person lives a loss without a psychologist, surrounded by close relatives. Any loss, "breaks through" personal boundaries, violating the feeling of control and security, thus causing psychological and emotional trauma. Depending on the individual characteristics, a person can maintain their personal integrity, but, sometimes, post-traumatic stress disorder or anxiety disorder can develop.

(There is a very good film "To Live" in 2012, directed by VV Sigarev, about the normal and pathological living of loss).

What is the reason to seek help from a psychotherapist?

- "anesthesia", the inability to show natural feelings for more than 2 weeks after the loss;

- protracted experience of grief, more than 2 years, against the background of depression and a feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness;

- a sharp radical change in lifestyle;

- the appearance of ulcerative colitis, asthma, rheumatoid arthritis. And also, bodily symptoms from which the departed (shaya) suffered;

-progressive self-isolation;

- frequent thoughts about suicide, suicide planning;

- super-strong immersion in work;

- Furious, persistent hostility towards certain people.

How can you help

For close people, at first, "walk with their tail", listen to experiences, talk about the deceased (s), do not stop crying. Be prepared that bouts of despair and anger may return over time. Be prepared for unexpected accusations of death or other forms of aggression. It is necessary to accept anger, not to debate, it is better to be silent.

In working with a psychologist, an important role is assigned to changing the client's identity. You need to understand that the one who has lost (s) will have to "blind himself again", to restore his changed image, already without a loved one. The work of sorrow also presupposes a return to the past, to relationships that were interrupted by death, in order to analyze and complete them. Maybe there is something left unsaid, unforgiven: resentment, guilt. There are techniques for working with a psychologist that will help you say goodbye, forgive, and receive forgiveness. The rituals provided by the culture of the society are very important, helping to come to terms with death.

During the recovery phase, it is important to help the grieving person return to life. To involve him in life events, the help of a psychologist corresponds to work as in PTSD and work with trauma (restoration of a sense of security, resource techniques, discussion of plans for the future). The number of sessions is very individual. On average - from 5 to 10. In difficult "old" cases, years may pass.

The strength and duration of affects are influenced by factors: unexpected loss, too strong emotional closeness with a person, closeness of kinship, unfinished situations in a relationship. Getting stuck in any of the stages can lead to psychotic breakdowns and the inability to live further in the present.