In The Wake Of A Traumatic Experience: My "inner Coward"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

AFTER TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE: MY "INNER COWARD"

The coward does not choose

Chooses his fear

Cowardice, no doubt

one of the worst vices.

M. Bulgakov. The Master and Margarita

In this article I am in no way trying to condemn or shame anyone. I wrote this article, "looking" first of all into myself.

One could, of course, choose a more politically correct psychological concept for the name - something like insecure, fearful, timid, etc.

But the essence does not change from this. I take the liberty to look at this psychological phenomenon without embellishment and call a spade a spade.

This article is not just about a situational feeling of fear, but about the state of affairs when fear has "grown" into the personality, has become its structural element, part of the personality, which at certain moments "takes control of the whole personality."

The idea of a systemic-structural approach to the consideration of personality is close to me. Personality for me is a system consisting of a complex of structural components interconnected in a certain hierarchy - subpersonalities. This structure is the result of a person's life experience, those events and situations that make up his history. In the process of a person's life history (always unique), that unique and inimitable (like fingerprints) configuration of its structure is formed.

This structure contains both purely individual formations and some universal ones. Such universal structural formations are, for example, the ego states identified by E. Bern: Child, Adult, Parent, Another such universal internal formations, in my opinion, is education "My inner coward."

The "inner coward" is in each of us. It is the result of experiencing a strong sense of fear and the consequences of such experiences, which are imprinted as one of the structural components of the personality. The "inner coward" is an important personal education that allows a person to survive. Someone has more, someone less. Depending on its "weight", its influence on my I grows. In some cases, this influence becomes enormous, completely paralyzing the work of the I in terms of choices and creative adaptation.

Where does this part of the personality come from?

The "inner coward" is the result of experience. As, however, and everything that is in the person. The world is unsafe for a person, and even more so for a small person. And a person often meets with fear. It is a deep, strong, vital emotion that can leave a deep mark on the soul.

Often in the history of the "inner coward" you can find a terrible story that has become traumatic for the personality, greatly changing its structure. Sometimes there may not be an acute injury. But a person for a long time lived in a chronic situation of fear and this also did not pass without a trace for him.

In any case, my "inner coward" arose out of fear and continues to "feed" on fear. Once upon a time, such timid behavior was justified. It was adequate to the situation, appropriate. Perhaps it even helped a person survive at a time when the situation was not safe for the individual, and the forces were unequal (for example, in childhood). But later this fear "settled" in the personality, became its separate entity, regardless of the situation and without taking into account the real balance of forces.

In my article I describe just such a variant of this pathologically expanded inner formation, when the “inner coward” ceases to fulfill its positive function for the personality - to protect it from real dangers. When this instance is overgrown, it prevents the individual from creatively adapting and growing, actively interfering in her choices. The coward does not choose, his fear chooses.

How to recognize the "inner coward"?

The manifestations of the "Inner Coward" are many-sided. It can be found in situations:

The important thing here is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid how others will react, what they say, what they think.

And therefore:

Again I am silent when I had to say … Again I stop myself when I had to do … Again I "swallow" an aggressive attack on myself … Again I take offense instead of getting angry … Again I leave from the showdown … Again I prefer to stay "in the comfort zone" …

Most often, a person with a pathologically pronounced "Inner Coward" has problems with psychological boundaries and the manifestation of aggression. It is difficult for him to defend his territory and instead of aggression, which is so appropriate in this situation, he falls into insult.

At the "Inner Coward" many different masks - “good boy / girl”, “diligent worker”, “exemplary family man”, “reliable friend”, just “good person” …

The only hypostasis that the "Inner Coward" never accepts is that of a coward. He is everywhere, he rules, but at the same time he carefully hides from others and from himself. What a coward cannot afford is to say, "I am a coward!" This is the facet of identity that is hidden in every possible way, disguised, hiding both from others and from oneself.

What are the consequences?

When the Inner Coward "presides" in my personality I betray myself.

- I buy psychological comfort, but the price is very high.

- I am adjusting to the circumstances, and I cannot say "No" to others.

- I can't say yes to my life.

-I am not the master of my life.

-I don't live my life.

What to do with him?

I will describe successively the work with the pathologically expressed component of the personality “Inner Coward”.

The first step there will be a discovery of the "inner coward" in oneself. This will allow you to see, identify and recognize him and his power over my I. After all, everything that is not recognized and not accepted by my I, has power over the I, controls I.

The second step is reality testing

At such moments, when the situation turns out to be subjectively terrible, the "Inner Coward" is actualized and the person is automatically drawn into the abyss of terrible experiences that take place there and then. Therefore, the questions proposed below can pull him out of the paralyzing reality of the past and return him to the reality of the present.

- How really dangerous is the situation now?

- Who am I now?

- How old am I?

- What can I really do now?

- What are the possible consequences of this situation - what can happen?

The third step is experiment

The important thing here is to take a chance and try to do something differently than usual. Try to say “No” where you want to do it, but you habitually say “Yes”. This is one of the most difficult parts of the job. A lot of support is needed here. It is good if such an experiment is carried out in a situation of personal psychotherapy or in the format of a psychotherapeutic group. But without this step, it is impossible to gain new experience.

The fourth step is the assimilation of experience

It is important to notice and appropriate this new experience - the experience of your courageous act. Don't discount it. After an act "bold" for you, you change. You are the person who did it! And this act will not pass without a trace for your personality, its traces will be imprinted on it, will change your identity. You become different!

Sow an action - reap a habit, sow a habit - reap a character, sow a character - reap a destiny - a beautiful saying illustrating what was said above, attributed to Confucius.

A beautiful example of such a transformation is described by E. Hemingway in the story "The Short Happiness of Francis Macomber."

… not for the first time people came of age before his eyes, and this always worried him. It's not that they're twenty-one years old. A coincidence of circumstances on a hunt, when it suddenly became necessary to act and there was no time to worry in advance - that's what Macomber needed for this; but all the same, no matter how it happened, it happened undoubtedly. This is what he has become, Wilson thought. The fact is that many of them remain boys for a long time. Some are like that for life. Man is fifty years old, but the figure is boyish. The notorious American male boys.

Wonderful people, by God. But now he likes this Macomber. An eccentric, really, an eccentric. And he probably won't give himself any more to instruct himself. The poor fellow must have been afraid all his life.

It is unknown how this started. But it's over now. He did not have time to be frightened of the buffalo. Besides, he was angry. … Now you can't hold him. … There is no more fear, as if it had been cut out. Instead, there is something new. The most important thing in a man. What makes him a man. And women feel it. There is no more fear.

Huddled in the corner of the car, Margaret Macomber glanced at both of them. Wilson hasn't changed. She saw Wilson the same as she had seen the day before, when she first understood what his strength was. But Francis Macomber had changed, and she saw it.

The "inner coward" settles not only in your personality, but also in your body. He lives in your chest. You can notice it by the tension of the chest, stiffness, pressure, by shallow breathing … The muscles of your chest are stiff, your wings are tightly twisted.

Having made a bold act, overcoming your "Inner Coward", you will feel as if bubbles burst in your chest, how they fill, expand it. Feel how your shoulders straighten, how your chest opens, how deeply you begin to breathe … It grows your self-respect, your self-confidence, your acceptance of yourself, your love for yourself.

Love yourself!

Author: Gennady Maleichuk