Hyper Control In Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

PART 1. How hypercontrol comes about

Autumn. I walk with my daughter on a playground strewn with leaves. The site is cool, modern: with new, as it is now called, activities. Polina is one year and three months old. She already knows all the "activities" here, and from the little ones she tirelessly runs into adult territory. She also has research activity. Not new, but very strong, important, characteristic of this age, which helps her to develop and master this world. Older children are walking nearby and I hear the following dialogue:

- Mom, how many leaves on the ground!

- Yes! Collect Maple!

- Why maple?

- Because they are the most beautiful, especially the red ones: they are also the rarest this fall.

This autumn really turned out to be "golden", which is somehow even unusual. But hearing such a dialogue is no longer new for me. As, in fact, and about anxiety in front of uncertainty. Especially when it comes to your child. How will he grow up? What choices will you make? Where will they lead? Will he be successful? Or maybe happy?.. I would like both of them, and "you can do without bread" … Therefore, many parents want to "put straws", pass on their experience in order … to cope with their own anxiety: I grew up, I live, well, and it seems like nothing like that - everything turned out well, which means I know something about "how it should be."

And in this place it is important to stop and listen to yourself, and realize that, perhaps, now there are more of my needs than the needs of the child himself. Maybe this mother herself would like to collect a bouquet of red leaves, but for some reason she does not. Perhaps because he is simply watching over his son so that the older children running around do not take him down. Or maybe it is important for her that her child walks with a beautiful (in her opinion) bouquet, otherwise what people will think. In general, there can be a lot of options. But the essence remains the same: hyper control appears in the relationship. It works to reduce anxiety from the uncertainty of the future. Creates an illusion: if the child obeys me, in everything, then everything will be fine with him. It often becomes a way to express love and care. Moreover, such an "attentive parent" is generally very much approved in society …

PART 2. What does hypercontrol lead to and what to do

With the hypercontrol of the parents, the child breaks contact with his research need and with others, because his own internal impulses are not able to be realized: they are replaced by external ones, from authority figures associated with safety. This means, over time, they become more valuable. And from here in the future there will be difficulties with self-esteem, with self-acceptance. And a person will again have to learn to recognize their desires, to trust them. For example, this is when parents choose a profession and university for an applicant, and then he suffers for a long time, or very quickly quits; and an adult woman cannot equip her own apartment, and her mother calls her every day, asks if she has eaten today and what. Since the contact with their needs is broken, there is not much to offer such a person in a relationship, and therefore the “second half” takes the whole initiative. Sometimes for the time being, until he says: "That's it, I'm tired / tired!" And the inability to formulate and defend one's opinion leaves the role of the addict in contact with other people.

What can you do here? Parents - to give a choice to children. Naturally, control is needed in relations with children. This is one of the roles and responsibilities of parents. But so that it is not hyper, but still appropriate. Adult men and women - learn to listen to themselves and trust again. And the important thing here will be the ability to be aware of your feelings and the needs behind them. And also the ability to withstand, to live anxiety from the uncertainty of this life. These abilities can be developed independently, or you can enlist the support of a psychologist. In my next articles, I will somehow return to this topic, since the consequences of hypercontrol, unfortunately, are inexhaustible …

I'm going with my daughter. She, in spite of the interfering overalls, more and more confidently rearranges her legs. He bends down and picks up the sheet. The most inconspicuous that could only be found nearby. I restrain myself from devaluing comments and sincerely rejoice at the very event: “Oh! Your first leaf! Well done! Let's examine it? " And to myself I think: "Well, at least I picked up the most unlikely one, inverted and not yellow." And then I understand that there is already a topic for new reflections under the title “what we fought for and ran into,” and I am once again convinced of the idea that it is necessary to start “raising” children with ourselves.;-)