Incest, How To Live With It

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Do you think incest is rare? It is simply not customary to talk about him. The topic of incest is rarely raised, even in individual therapy, for fear of stirring up deeply hidden pain. Memories can even be erased from memory. “I don’t remember anything from my childhood” - very often these words indirectly inform about incest repressed from consciousness. However, information inaccessible to consciousness does not disappear anywhere, it imperceptibly poisons the life of its owner, manifesting itself in phobias, panic attacks, inability to build relationships and other symptoms. As a rule, repressed events "emerge" unexpectedly when trust in the psychologist arises. And in our therapy with Ulyana, the moment came when she was able to talk about incest with her father. The reason for her fears and global distrust in relation to men became immediately apparent. Ulyana brought to the consultation a drawing made at home on a large sheet of Whatman paper. She named her drawing "Incest Horror".

“I don’t know what I’ve drawn here.” I just let my hand draw whatever it wanted. She drew and roared …

I suggest that Ole play the role of each element of the picture. The girl chooses to start by drawing a house.

- The house in which I lived since birth. Everything bloody, they didn't want me. Father's house, where violence is allowed. From the outside, a normal house, but inside is horror. The walls make the screams inaudible.

- And this is a drawing of a burst ovary. The ovary burst because the woman did not want children. This is my mother, she had many - many miscarriages. I accidentally found out that she, too, had been sexually abused by her father. The eggs fly out because there is fear, what if the child is from her father. When she got married, the miscarriages continued as a cleansing, a sacrifice. Finally, my mother gave birth to me, the birth was very difficult. She probably gave birth because she was afraid to return to her parental home, where incest was allowed. Her mother pretended not to notice anything, she thought: "Just think, just to survive." In her family, she also experienced a similar story …

A pedophile is like a worm that seeks to swallow eggs in order to raise its own significance. The worm is on guard to crawl into the nest and eat eggs - someone else's life. It is scary to hatch from an egg and crawl out of the nest. The worm man has no understanding that he is a human, he has no support from his parents and no paternal responsibility for his children.

The black line in the middle of the picture is a secret. The oblique stripes running from the black line are the memory of girls who survived incest. This is a pillar, a rotten family tree that separates men and women and carries a message addressed to women: "You can't be with men, because they are rapists, pedophiles, animals, maniacs."

Dead rotten fish in a plastic bag, from which only one skeleton remains - a shame from which you can rot. No matter what happens, you need to be silent, like a fish, because victims of violence are ashamed and scared to speak. I was afraid to tell the truth, I was afraid not only for myself, but also for my parents. I knew that if I told my mother, she would pretend not to believe me. If I tell someone outside the family, I divulge the truth, the father will kill himself, because it is impossible to survive the general condemnation, it is impossible to live with guilt and shame … This happened to the father of my classmate. When her mother, who works in the hospital, went on night duty, her father forced one of his two daughters to have sex. Once the "free" girl slipped out of the house and called for help for her uncle - her mother's brother, he unexpectedly ran into the house and found her father right at the scene of the crime. Father was imprisoned. And the next day it became known that he hanged himself in prison. It is impossible to live with guilt and shame … - Who is responsible for incest? On a girl or her father, who is a grown man? - I understand that the responsibility belongs to the father, but he does not take it.- Even if he doesn’t take it, the responsibility belongs to an adult, not a child. An adult is responsible for each of his actions. If this adult, in the choice between shame and death, prefers to take his own life, this is a manifestation of his responsibility, his choice. - I hear you, I agree that the responsibility for what happened belongs to the adults - my parents. A father who couldn't control his instincts and a mother who indulged in it. I want to break the drawing, for me it is a release from responsibility for what happened to me in my family.

Breaks the drawing into small pieces

- Now you are an adult and you yourself are responsible for your life. If necessary, you can say: "No", you can ask for help. - When I understand this, it seems like a huge load falls from me, it even becomes easier to breathe. The child expects compassion and protection from the parent. But, not every parent is able to regret and protect. In families with incest, parents are only seemingly adults, inside they remain traumatized children. Only their body has grown. These children, at an early age, received the installation that their feelings, desires, and even they themselves do not mean anything. If you want to survive, be quiet and do what your parents need. So this installation is passed from generation to generation. The grown up traumatized child treats his child in the same way as he was treated in childhood. In therapy, the survivor of the trauma of incest learns to perceive himself in a new way. In the process of difficult and prolonged work, his behavior, attitude towards others, and therefore the quality of his own life, change. More articles on domestic violence: Abuse !!! What to do? Secrets that turn a girl into a "gray mouse"

Author: Milashina Olga Georgievna