Fast Track Training # 1: Get Married

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Now there are quite a few trainings in the Russian Internet, where they promise to get quick results in important life situations. And often they not only promise, but also really provide an opportunity to quickly (1-2 months) get an obvious result.

Such coaches actively criticize psychologists for the fact that "the work goes on for years, but there are no results."

I decided to write a series of articles about what results can actually be achieved and what risks to the psyche their participants have to take.

What is most interesting is that most of the trainings of this kind promise quick results, but, for some reason, many people stay in the field of the training company for years.

I'll start with a fairly common request: I want to finally get married!

Let's imagine a situation that a woman made up her mind and went to such a training, moreover, as a result of the training, she not only met a man, but also married him.

According to client feedback, most women do not achieve their goal at such trainings, but let's consider a situation when everything was not in vain and she achieved her goal!

And this can be considered a success of the trainer and the training: she achieved what she wanted so much!

She is married: and now she is happy and inspired and leaves a video review about the wonderful training that changed her whole life and she is happily married!

But another six months pass and she finds herself in a doctor's office with severe eczema (or other psychosomatic illness), or in a psychologist's office - with a state when she doesn't want anything.

What happened to this blooming woman, who six months ago "won the lottery" as a result of excellent training?

Let's get back to the situation before the training: this is a pretty 30-year-old woman who is successful in her career, but whose personal life does not work out: she just cannot get married, and "the clock is ticking."

In what case, with a strong, strong desire, a pretty woman in Moscow cannot find a man and build a long-term relationship with him?

In my practice, in 100% of cases, when there is a part inside a woman that DOES NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED! And this decision was often made in childhood, when she saw scandals and dislike between dad and mom, and she decided for herself that she definitely would not have such a relationship - and for this it is better not to get married.

Or the girl saw the relationship between her parents, which she considered ideal for herself and decided: it will be the same for me! And if some man treated her differently, she immediately gave him a lapel turn: this is NOT THAT!

Within the framework of transactional analysis, three ego states (a set of thoughts, feelings, patterns of behavior) are distinguished in each person: Parent, Adult and Child.

Parent Is a set of feelings, thoughts and patterns of behavior that we have copied from the earliest childhood from adults who are significant to us (most often - real parents).

Child - these are our feelings, thoughts and behavior that we once lived in childhood (often in response to the behavior and displayed emotions of our parents).

Adult - this is an ego-state, which, regardless of our experiences: whether it is the prohibition of something by our Parent or the anxiety of the Child, helps us in difficult life situations to make those decisions that allow us to completely resolve them.

Which ego state makes a decision: I don't want to get married or I want only such a relationship for myself?

They are accepted by the Inner Child.

The ego state of the Inner Child is divided into two parts: the Natural (or Free) and the Adaptive (or Adjusted) Child.

Natural Child - behaves on the basis of their needs and desires. The Natural Child is responsible for contact with our body, with its desires and reluctances, including sexual ones.

Adaptive Child - behaves in accordance with his understanding of what decisions others expect from him, that is, he behaves in accordance with the expectations of his parents and other significant figures. In adulthood, when we express ourselves from the Adaptive Child, we behave in accordance with the expectations of the inner Parent.

Which childish ego state do you think made these decisions in childhood?

They were accepted by the Natural Child - and at the moment of this decision he made an important (scenario) decision for himself about his future life.

Now what happens in the training?

Such trainings with rapid radical changes always contain the following distribution of roles:

The trainer performs in the Parental ego state, issues strict rules and forces the participants to follow these rules: these can be rules about mandatory frankness, rules about performing all exercises, even against the will of the participants, rules of being in uncomfortable conditions: for example, 5-10 hours without food and toilet and so on. Moreover, pressure from the coach's Parent is often supported by pressure from the Parental ego states of other participants, training team members (captains), and so on.

And when a participant comes and says that she would like to get married: they put this desire of hers as a goal, as a duty. That is, the desire from her Child (often adaptive) turns into a Parental requirement on the part of the training team (there is a substitution of concepts).

That is, such a participant is increasingly "driven" into the ego-state of the Adaptive Child and is told what she needs to do in order for her to get married - and she will do it from the Adaptive Child.

But, as we remember, in her ego-state of the Natural Child there is a desire: I do not want to get married, or "I only want such a relationship as the parents have," but she is told - do this and you will be married.

And now the woman completed the training and got married.

The Natural Child and his desires were “banished” from awareness: he was ignored.

But, the Natural Child is responsible for the connection with the body, therefore, his protest against the decisions of the Adaptive Child will be revealed in the form of a psychosomatic illness, or in the form of displeasure in sexual life with her husband, because the Natural Child is also responsible for sexual pleasure.

And on the one hand, the training allowed the woman to get what she wanted! On the other hand, was it worth what you think?

Share your experience on the passage of "personal growth trainings" in the comments: your opinion is interesting (only if more than a year has passed since the completion of the training and participation in the life of the training company).