2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Family life is often filled with difficulties and problems for which we find ourselves not ready. And it is not always possible to cope. Unless you're in physical danger in your relationship, take a short break and answer nine questions.
1. Do I need a divorce or do I need a different relationship with my spouse? There is a difference between an unhappy marriage and a marriage that cannot be saved. I am often visited by couples who have encountered problems and do not know how to solve them. If you want to change your relationship and continue with this person, you should try other methods. Divorce is the final and radical step.
2. Did you seek help and try to cope yourself? If you go to a specialist, but do not see progress, this does not mean that it is time to give up. Find another therapist. Perhaps his methods will suit you better. Above all, don't let the therapist tell you that the marriage cannot be saved.
At the same time, do not forget that the therapist cannot magically fix everything. Change and development will require a lot of voluntary effort from both.
3. Have there been any serious stress lately? Serious difficulties arise in any relationship. Sometimes they overshadow everything else. The most common and severe stressors include financial problems, job loss, loss of a child, or infertility. In these cases, the likelihood of divorce increases significantly. Relationships are like buildings. A small earthquake will cause slight tremors, but an earthquake of 9 will destroy even the strongest house. If you live under a lot of stress, every little nuisance will seem overwhelming and overwhelming.
Before filing for divorce, try to find help and deal with the hardships that make your life worse.
4. Do I admit my guilt? Nobody's perfect. It doesn't matter what the problem is and how the partner behaves. There are always two involved in a relationship, and both influence them. Perhaps we criticize, underestimate, fail to keep promises, and keep quiet about problems. Admitting your guilt means taking responsibility for your actions and reactions (but only for your own!). By understanding your "contribution" to the problem, you can see solutions that can change family life for the better.
5. Was it initially a mistake, or did we just stop coping? I often see couples whose relationship did not work out from the very beginning. This does not mean that the couple quarreled from the first days. They weren't ready to get married. For example, they got married too quickly, or because of an unplanned pregnancy, or they were "brought together" by relatives.
If your marriage fits this description, and you decide to divorce, draw conclusions for the future. If your marriage was based on a long, lasting, trusting relationship and you are in trouble now, work on your relationship skills. And it's not about the “wrong” choice of a partner.
6. If I get divorced because of problems with sex, have I tried to fix the situation? Sexual problems can be resolved on their own or through therapy. There are no such compatible couples where both spouses would always want the same thing at the same moments in time. And there are no couples who have every sex like in a beautiful romantic movie. People often give up instead of talking.
Try to discuss what you like and what makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell each other what you would like. Be open and honest, and listen calmly and tactfully to your partner. Instead of complaining and criticizing, suggest options. Before getting divorced because of "bad" sex, why not try to make it good?
7. Are my expectations of my marriage and spouse too high? I am not suggesting that you put up with humiliating treatment or cruelty. But I propose to think about how adequate such an expectation is: a spouse who simultaneously maintains an atmosphere of stability and romance, builds a mind-blowing career, earns a lot of money, loves vacuuming and ironing, can fix the current tap and hang the door, cook a dinner of five dishes and at the same time hold two children under the arms.
8. Is there someone third? One-time betrayal, constant flirting, online dating or a serious relationship "on the side" - it can be very difficult to understand how and where to move on. You need to ask yourself a question: hasn't cheating become an attempt to "hide" from unresolved problems in marriage?
Not all cheating is the result of relationship problems, but many are. Due to daily worries and problems, we sometimes feel that family life is not as good as it used to be. But keep in mind that 75% of relationships “on the side” do not develop into real relationships. So do not rush to get a divorce if you just wanted something new. Try to channel your energies into freshening up the relationship you already have.
9. Do I love my spouse? Love does not heal everything and sometimes it is difficult to see it behind stress and fatigue. But if there is even a tiny spark left, it's worth asking yourself: can I rekindle the flame from it?
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