2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Recently I came across a screaming post about the girl's help on Facebook. She is ill. Strongly, irrevocably, and already desperate. No one can determine what exactly she is sick with and why important functions of the body fail.
The girl's message is direct, with pain, revelations.
She needs physical, moral and material strength to get a competent examination and be able to live.
Going into the comments, I was horrified.
Almost 60-70% of the commentators sent her to pray to God.
"Healed" with phrases - this is your karma; it’s something you don’t love yourself, and this is how everything happens to you; turn to a shaman in the third generation - this is my sister Sveta, who lives in Kukuevo, she will remove the evil eye and teach you to live positively, etc.
Only 20 percent were able to clearly read what was written and give the person what they needed - many sent money, someone gave a doctor and started it in the comments. The doctor became interested in a rare case, he is just researching similar and is ready to take it for free for examination.
Someone wrote very deep and sincere words of support. Someone has already left the girl's home with food, gifts and hugs.
20%, or even less, understood and heard a direct request for support. And what about the others? How the girl was to read their evaluative comments and advice. Did they help her, supported her.
Support - what is it?
What if I am not told directly what I need? How to support?
How do I ask for support?
During sessions with clients, I very often ask - how can I support you? What would you like to receive from me now?
I meet with the fact that if a person is able to ask, he does not know in what form he needs support. Or simply cannot accept it. Didn't learn.
And some have not learned to ask for anything at all. Be strong and not whine.
But the soul is healed only by another human soul. Believe me, even the most closed schizoid introvert needs a person.
Previously, my unconscious way to get support was to get into conflict, get angry, yell, and thus get closer to another.
But I still remained dissatisfied.
Didn't feel support.
Rather, on the contrary - frustration.
That is, instead of saying bluntly - I feel so bad, it hurts, so hard. Please hug me in silence. Stay with me. Listen to me.
I could just shout, be indignant, for some reason cause a conflict.
It's just fear. Fear that they will not give what I ask for.
There was no such experience - asking directly and receiving.
Support for everyone means different actions or words. That is, the phrase "I support you" does not always work
Or not for everyone.
Here are some small secrets on how to better support yourself, a friend, a loved one, a partner, which I often put into practice.
First, listen very carefully to what the person opposite is saying to you. What is happening to him, what worries him, what is his pain about. Listen as much as he needs. Even expressing some of the pain to you, the interlocutor will already feel better.
Try to understand what exactly HE says about himself to you. Not through the prism of your experience. Try to feel your responses to what was said.
Ask - how can I help you? How can I support you?
You can even offer your own options if the person himself does not know what he needs help with.
If you want, I can just listen to you, understand and hug you.
To be with you and to empathize.
Maybe you would like to hear something from me, some words that you would like?
Maybe I can do something for you (depending on the situation and request) - hug, make tea, give money, help and recommend someone, etc.
Try to see more of the other than yourself
This is already valuable in itself.
If you need support and help to you, try to listen to yourself and understand what is happening to you.
What are you thinking about. What do you feel. What would you like.
Having realized this, ask a friend, a close friend, a psychotherapist directly about it.
For example, you have a conflict at work and you are angry. You failed to place your feelings in conflict and they stayed. Support here can be for you - to calm down, to accept your opinion. Or allowed to get angry, to speak out.
You can ask a friend to listen to you. Your thoughts, reasons and words that have not been spoken. To be understood, heard and, possibly, hugged. We agreed with your point of view on the situation, with your truth. No charges and no evaluation. Submit your option.
Never, never say the following:(not to myself, not to people)
- listen, well, you yourself are to blame for everything. This does not support nichrome, but on the contrary, it takes away from a person the only opportunity for help.
Guys, this is an accusation.
- what are you whining, people in Africa are generally fucked up. This is a devaluation of the feelings of the person who turned to you. Comparison examples aren't bad, but they really don't help.
- listen, all this is bullshit, go do this and that. He may already know how to do it himself, but damn it, the person is bad, and he is unlikely to use your advice. On the contrary, he will be angry and annoyed. Therefore, never advise unless you are directly asked to do so.
- oh, it was with you that your mother behaved like that, so you are mad. Do not heal, do not play psychologist, unless, of course, you are in a session with a client. Even if you see a connection between a person's suffering and his childhood, you can just ask carefully about that - I notice that you have such a reaction, but don't you think that it is connected with that…? If it is important, then another can think and accept this information, if not, well, it is not necessary.
- phrases - "well, if you did so"; "I told you," - also hold back.
- "Oh look, what kind of car went there" or "Let's go better buy you a dress." Distraction from feelings and experiences of a person as one of the forms of devaluation. Don't do that.
Often such a proposal appears in a person who cannot bear the feelings and suffering of another. If you can't, say so about it - I fucking know how to help you, and if I can't, go to a psychologist.
This is at least fair.
Develop empathy for yourself and others
This is the important thing that distinguishes us from robots and animals
And this is also the future of our survival.
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