2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The most remarkable feature of a mother is her ability to endure
such a tangible damage from your child and hate him so much, without repaying in the same coin; as well as her ability to wait for a reward, which may or may not follow - later.
Donald Winicott
Mary looked with horror at women who had recently given birth. She was scared to think about her pregnancy and childbirth. That this new life, which will grow in her womb, will also put her at risk, change her figure, affect her mood and emotions. At such moments, she developed hatred for the unborn child. This made her even more frightened.
She tried to avoid such reflections. But when I saw young mothers, I was surprised at these women and, somewhere in the depths of my soul, I admired their courage. It was an unbearable burden for her. The question arose: how, after what the pregnancy did to her, would she fall in love with her child? Hatred became the companion of this question.
Maria heard from her acquaintances that carrying a child is nothing compared to childbirth, during which anything can happen. Such conversations instilled fear in her soul, and she recalled the movie "Alien." According to the plot, which the carrier died after the appearance of a new life. In this case, the child became a threat to her. Either she or the child can die, and she doesn't care what the statistics say - she relied on her feelings.
One woman said that the whole process - pregnancy, childbirth, further caring for the child - is torture. Maria was surprised that then this woman spoke of love for her children. She did not understand this, everything looked like a deception. What kind of love were we talking about if children are torment?
Mary was closer to anger and hatred towards children, provided that they are her tormentors. Add to this the fact that the child will change the way of her life and this will be something new, unknown. Then fear - how can you experience such feelings for your own children? I wonder if all parents have a constant feeling of love for their children, or are there other feelings that they do not even admit to themselves?
As a child, it seemed to her that her parents hated her. Especially when she didn’t behave the way they wanted. But after the punishment, they justified themselves, saying that in this way they care and love her. Mary never heard from them about anger and hatred towards her. The mother always told how difficult the pregnancy was when she was carrying Maria, that there were risks of losing the child, and she and her father spent a lot of effort to ensure that she was born. But Maria, sometimes, doubted the sincerity of her mother's love.
Maybe that's why she doesn't succeed with relationships? Suddenly a man wants a child, and she in every possible way avoids such thoughts. It turns out not only thoughts, but also men. After all, she will bear it, certainly not him. And why would she give birth at all? For parents because they want grandchildren? So she didn't want to. To feel like a mother? She also does not have such a goal. Experience the joy of pregnancy and motherhood? Nonsense! For her, anger and hatred are associated with this event.
To give birth to a child, for someone or something, was alien to her. Then it turns out that he is destined for some kind of role or function that he must perform. She was scared by the fact that having a child is the goal of satisfying the desires of those who plan to give a new life. And if she gives birth to a child with a specific purpose, and he does not meet her expectations, she will hate him.
She had two extremes on which she fixed herself: either there should be absolute love, or - hatred. Maria understood that it was difficult for her to accept both love for a child and hatred at the same time. That these feelings take place in parents at some point in life, in relation to children. And somewhere in the depths of her soul she wanted to get to know the one to whom she would give life, wanting and fearing this at the same time.
From SW. gestalt therapist Dmitry Lenngren
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