Relationship With A Married Lover

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Tsvetkov Maxim Yurievich

What prompts a married man to seek mistresses?

- The general answer is immaturity, "immature". Immaturity is a complex concept that includes many emotional and personal characteristics. In this case, I mean such an aspect as escape from problems or difficult experiences and the resulting unwillingness to take responsibility for your life into your own hands.

In our modern society, under the influence of advertising, TV series and fiction, a stereotype has developed that can be expressed at least by the ambiguous, if not provocative, statement of one modern popular writer: "A person should not suffer." The ambiguity here is that "to suffer" is, by analogy with the passive voice of the Russian language, what happens to me without my desire. And I should - this is about what is in my power. It turns out that I "should not" do what happens to me against my will. This, frankly, proud position has a loophole, a way out: to escape from these problems, from these experiences, and in the end - from this life.

For a married man, this is, first of all, an escape from family problems, creation myself a kind of idyllic visibility Togo, that "family happiness" is possible without capricious children, without a dissatisfied wife, without interfering with the family life of parents wives (and sometimes their own), without sexual problems and pressure of responsibility.

But there are also special cases: it seems that “everything is fine” in the family, but the man still has a mistress. For example, this may be the case for the so-called "collectors" - who, due to some circumstances, got married, but the "collection" has not yet been assembled.

Sometimes a simple argument is “a man can do anything”. Such, as a rule, are not burdened by loyalty to one constant mistress, and connections with them are fleeting - only sex, "nothing personal." This is a case of not just immaturity, but also the lack of formation of moral values, and such a person, as a rule, does not cause any special feelings for either side when parting. He does not allow a close emotional connection, because his Don Juanism is an escape from a feeling of deep inferiority, from the feeling that as such he is nothing of himself and is not needed by anyone, and girls are not interested.

Another option - people have lived a long life together, raised children, grandchildren are about to appear, and suddenly the spouse declares something like the following: “Our marriage was a mistake, I finally found my real soul mate (as a rule, my former student, or a daughter of friends, or a young colleague at work), I have been living with you and her for a long time, but I am tired of such a life and do not want to be dishonest towards you, so I tell you this, and I move to live with her. " … What makes a person betray his wife so much and give up all the good that was in life together (which means, give up part of himself and his life) and surround himself with young creatures? This is the action of a very strong fear - the fear of death. And the associated worries that something in life was wrong, that he did not do something very important, that the strength is not the same and that life is drawing to a close. "No, it is not coming!" - says the gray-haired husband. "My young wife will give me strength and share her youth, and I will no longer make the same mistakes!" (It also happens that when signs of aging appear in this young person, she is also declared a "mistake" and is even younger).

Now let's get back to the situation: an ordinary young man, an ordinary girl, love each other, get married. No one suffers from a feeling of inferiority, no one thinks that the marriage was a mistake, and suddenly a surprise: he has a mistress! Why? To answer, you need to know that a family, like a person, is going through several stages of its development, or its life. I propose to consider several initial stages, from which it will be clear what attitude towards a spouse or spouse and what behavior leads to cheating.

The period of premarital relationship. Young people swear to each other in eternal love and do not see any shortcomings of a partner. Due to such uncritical perception of the other, some experts compare the state of falling in love with madness. It seems that there should not be any betrayal, however, during this period, the foundations for future problems are laid.

The first danger is that we do not realize why we need a partner. If to create a family is one question. And if in order to escape from problems in the parental family? In order to not matter how, but to change your life? Then we create a solid foundation for emptiness after falling in love. In this case, the value of a spouse is only in the fact that he has saved from current problems, but he is not expected to create new ones. And, accordingly, if problems arise (and they certainly do), the value of the spouse is reduced to zero. And from this to treason - one step.

Another danger is sex before marriage. The danger here is that the uncriticality of the already uncritical state of love increases. Despite the ease of attitude towards premarital sex in modern society, it still represents a kind of barrier, the untimely passage of which lays the foundation for future complications in family life. For example, sex creates the impression that partners have fully known each other. Indeed, in a naked person, it seems, nothing secret remains. And if, before sexual relations, the future spouses did not go through a sufficiently long period of recognizing each other, did not experience a feeling of pleasant surprise at what unexpected personal qualities a partner possesses, then the desire to know each other is frozen. And the desire to know and understand your spouse, even if he hurts you, is one of the components of a strong family.

First year of marriage. During this period, the rules of conduct in the family and the rules for interaction with the outside world are established - parental families, husband's friends, wife's friends, neighbors, and so on. This period is full of conflicts. Here the rose-colored glasses are removed, and the couple find out that their choice was not ideal. They begin to suffer from misunderstandings and frequent quarrels. The correct way out is, again, in the knowledge of the other and the desire to resolve the conflict, taking into account the interests of each. On this basis, their own family structure is formed, strengthening the marriage union. And if - "a person should not suffer?" Then he must run away from marital conflicts and, accordingly, from their resolution. At this stage, most often this flight manifests itself in the breakdown of the family, in divorce, but betrayal is also possible, and on the part of both the husband and wife.

In any case, each of the spouses, both in case of divorce and in case of infidelity, will still have to go through this stage - with the same spouse or with a new one. Or in the end he will be left alone.

The birth of the first child. This is exactly the situation in which men, as a rule, cheat or have mistresses. What's going on here? The fact is that even during pregnancy, a woman's consciousness changes - she is “tuned in” to the fact that for the next three years her main joy, main concern, and most importantly, the main interlocutor will be the child. She tunes in to joyful and full-fledged communication with a person who does not know how to speak, and in general does not know how to do anything. Such a restructuring of the mother's consciousness is necessary for the full development of the child.

And what does it look like for a man, for a father? First, she became "stupid." She is not interested in anything except how the child ate, how he pooped, what kind of grimace he made, and so on. Second, she became cold, detached. All her joy, all her care, all her interests are a new person, not a husband, although until recently everything was different. And yet - it has become very demanding, often - uncritically demanding: we need this, we need this, and it is you who must do it, and whether you can or cannot - we do not care, you are a father, so do it.

The husband suffers, and sees no other way out but to hide from this suffering in the arms of his mistress, at least for a short while. Is there any other way out? There is. First, one must understand that such a state of the wife is not forever - it gradually passes with the growth of the child's independence. Secondly, the wife should not forget that it is hard for her husband, that he is to some extent lonely now, and that he also needs affection (although he will never admit it). With mutual respect and considering the problem as temporary (and it really is, if you do not run to his mistress for consolation), life is getting better and the baby grows up in a strong, friendly family.

In general, we can say that the reasons for cheating on a spouse and living on two fronts are as follows.

First … Initially, the wrongly laid foundation of family life (the formation of a family in order to escape from parental influence, from any problems, or even from their country, as well as too rapid onset of sexual relations),

Second … Wrong value attitude towards a spouse (he is valuable not as a separate, free and independent person, but as a means to achieve some goal), Third … Lack of desire to know and understand your spouse, even if he hurts you (and no one can hurt as much as the closest person), Fourth. Ignorance of the basic laws of family life (you can, of course, argue that in the old days they did not know anything like that, but they did not get divorced, but then there was a strict ban on both betrayal and divorce, and now there is no such public ban, and its place can take precisely a well-founded understanding of what is good and what is bad, that is, knowledge), And, in general - the attitude that in modern society it is not necessary to make efforts to become good, this "good" should be by itself, right now, "a person should not suffer".

- What motivates a woman to date a married man?

- Either the same immaturity, or the cynical position associated with immaturity “take everything from life”, or “others can do it, but what am I?”. Immaturity is the desire to "get" an already established, adult man without the need to grow up and become, go through crises together. As if this will save the girl from having to wade through difficulties herself to a worthy life, because this “worthy” life is given immediately. It seems to them that little is needed to achieve the goal: to persuade him to divorce and marry her, young and beautiful.

It is with such a position - "all inclusive" - that dreams of a "prince" are connected, who understands him how. Isn't it true that the "prince" has enough opportunities to painlessly solve any problems? He won't let me suffer, will he? (The fact that he already makes his wife suffer is not taken into account - it is her own fault that she is so old and harmful, and does not want to understand him).

Many women reject any arguments on the grounds that “this is love”, it “came by itself”, this is a high feeling, and nothing can be done about it. To this, one can only say that there is a confusion of love and falling in love. Falling in love is a hormone-conditioned state that ensures the continuation of the family. For a man, it goes away after the first intercourse (okay, the second), and for a woman after childbirth. That is, when everyone does their job. In a situation with a married lover, children rarely appear, and therefore the state of love is delayed, creating the appearance of love and raping the hormonal and nervous system of a woman. It is impossible to speak about love here in principle, since love is the fruit of long-term joint work, mutual concern for each other, forgiveness of each other, study of each other, patience of each other. To do this, you must at least live together.

The position "take everything from life" is somewhat different, it does not even hide behind excuses about "sudden and strong love." As a rule, this is a woman who has experienced one, or even several unsuccessful (due to, among other things, unwillingness to face problems in family life) attempts to establish family life. Embittered, or desperate, or deciding that happy marital relations are fairy tales for children and lies, such women begin to use men for mercantile purposes. In this case, the woman does not allow herself any deep affection for this man, does not seek to marry him, regards the relationship with him as business and easily breaks up if he dries up or finds an object "for more profitable cooperation."

- What are the prospects for this relationship for her?

- In general, I think that there are no prospects for a relationship based on someone else's misfortune. Of course, they can object to me with the most common "logical" argument that, they say, I know such a family, she or he "recaptured" it from the previous spouse, and now they live happily. I readily believe, but, firstly, their life is not over yet, secondly, how is it known that it would have been worse in the previous family at the moment, and thirdly, can outside observers, even friends, objectively assess everything is the family happy? And fourthly, this is just my conviction as a person, which does not need proof. Although my conviction correlates with my professional experience. But let's figure it out.

Two situations are possible: the girl has not yet persuaded her lover to leave his wife, and the girl has achieved her goal - she married him to herself. In the first case, let's imagine a man's experiences. They can be something like this: “Well, there was a difficult situation, my wife did not understand me (or still does not understand), there were many problems, give everyone something, and what is hard for me, nobody cares. And this girl, so disinterested, fell in love with me without looking back and for nothing, and now, as a decent person, I must divorce my wife and marry this girl … And she also wants this … even demands. The wife is constantly demanding, and now the mistress is demanding. I was looking for happiness, but I found the same problems, only twice as much. There is no more strength, you really have to decide something, the girl is right. But just what? After all, my wife also did not demand anything at first, they lived in perfect harmony, and there was a lot of fun and good, but now something has changed. The mistress is good, and affectionate, and very, very, very, but the wife is also a good person. Wouldn't I regret it? And so on in the same spirit.

As a result, a man, albeit under the influence of demands for a new wedding, rethinks his past family life, and in most cases changes his attitude towards his family, and makes a choice in which he is sure that he will not regret, and in which his conscience “will remain clean”- that is, he will cut off the relationship with his mistress and fully return to the family. There may even be complete reconciliation and a new "honeymoon".

And with what will his already former lover be left? In the best case - with a feeling of irretrievably lost time. And maybe even worse - with bitterness, disbelief in the possibility of a good relationship between a man and a woman, disbelief in the possibility of creating a strong family, disappointment in love. Medical problems can also arise - insomnia, loss of appetite, prolonged depression, suicidal attempts, alcohol problems. Or even worse: she is left with a child, whom her father does not want to know, and whom she loves and hates at the same time - because he is her child and at the same time his child, and who inherits for life the whole untruth and incorrectness of the beginning of it existence and hatred of everything that he loves. The negative consequences of a love affair in the worst case can, unfortunately, affect more than one generation of people and manifest themselves after many, many years. A remarkable example of this is the story of Smerdyakov from FM Dostoevsky's novel The Brothers Karamazov.

- But what if it happened, and the man left his family for his mistress, and decided to stay with her? This also happens

- Here, in order to understand what is happening, we need to remember that they will have to go through all the stages of family development again. That is, a man will again plunge into all those problems from which he once ran away, and, again, either run away again, or solve them properly, go through crises correctly. The likelihood of this is low for two reasons: first, he is already "trained" in a certain way of coping with problems (that is, escape from them). Secondly, every person has a conscience. And this conscience will tell him that he is a scoundrel, because he abandoned his previous family. You can also escape from these unpleasant experiences - into vigorous activity, in constant travel, and in whatever. But again, what you run away from will catch up with you and turn you down. Very badly.

What about your new wife? A series of shocks awaits her, too. Firstly, she, too, will have to solve a number of problems and overcome a number of difficulties associated with building relationships. The shock is aggravated by the fact that at the time of the creation of the family, she considered this relationship already fully built. Secondly, she will understand that the "prince" is not. If he solves some problems (mainly financial), then he either does not see most of the problems (and does not want to see), or he creates himself. Thirdly, she will gradually begin to notice that her husband is not the person whom she “loved as she never loved anyone” when she was his mistress. This, it turns out, is some kind of rude, primitive, insensitive person who “is no longer interested in me, he moves further and further from me, starts to disappear somewhere … a scoundrel”. The result is the same - a feeling of a wrongly lived life, depression, disappointment in love, and so on.

I do not want to offend anyone and will willingly agree with the person who says that I am wrong and in such a situation everything turned out great. I'm just talking about the most likely course of events.

- What advice would you give to a woman who is in such a relationship?

- What advice can you give to a person who rushes down a slope in a car whose brakes have failed? Stop the car? That would be perfect, but he can't. The only thing that can be advised is to try to group up in order to transfer the blow with minimal consequences. And then conclude: you can't drive faulty cars.

So in this situation. A woman becomes a mistress with the belief that love is. With full confidence in the man, with respect to him. Looking forward to a happy family life. And you need to get out of this situation in about the same way. Not with disappointment in love, but with the knowledge that love exists, but it is not given immediately, but is the result of hard joint work on relationships from beginning to end. Not with the devaluation of men, but with the understanding that an initially incorrect step can lead any person to meanness in the end. Not with the conviction that there are no happy families, because it didn’t work out for myself, but with the conviction that it didn’t work out, because the relationship was initially built on the wrong grounds: on the misfortune of another person, on a life according to the principle “a person should not suffer”. Any crisis in life, any problem is an opportunity to become wiser. Become more human. And then it will be possible to build relationships without stepping on the same rake. And everything will work out.