How To Deal With Your Inner Critic?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-15 16:05

- You're a loser.

- Himself to blame for everything.

- You won't succeed.

- You will not succeed …

Have you heard similar phrases in your head? Let's welcome His Majesty, the Inner Critic, then. He condemns, blames, scolds all the time and constantly insists that we are not good enough. The inner critic is in a judgmental and accusatory position, thereby hanging their labels on us. And his words do not go unnoticed - everything that we say to ourselves affects our thinking and behavior.

Internal criticism paralyzes, lowers self-esteem, hinders the achievement of goals, forms attitudes and limiting beliefs. It increases anxiety, provokes negative feelings and can lead not only to emotional problems, but also to bodily illness. When feelings do not find a way out, when they accumulate in us, they begin to affect the body, thereby causing various psychosomatic symptoms.

Where did the inner critic come from in us?

Many believe that the inner critic is their own voice, that he has always been with them. But this is not the case. We are not born with an inner critic, we acquire it over the course of life. In childhood, until we could evaluate ourselves, this function was performed for us by parents or other significant adults. Depending on how they did it: what they said, how they spoke, with what intonation, facial expressions, gestures - an internal critic began to emerge and develop in the child. It turns out that at a conscious age we often criticize ourselves with the words that adults once said to us. Therefore, now such attention is paid to the topic of communication with children.

An adult can already evaluate and control himself. And it seems that these functions should guide him, stimulate him to "correct" actions. But in the end it turns out that instead of healthy control, a person begins to limit himself in everything, displacing any degree of inner freedom. And instead of an adequate assessment comes the harshest criticism and self-flagellation. As a result, we see a person not with a high level of self-acceptance and adequate self-esteem, but a person with unstable personal boundaries and unstable self-esteem. Such a person is vulnerable, since his pain points are not protected, he is hard going through failure and desperate for praise. He is dependent on the opinions of others and strives to make sure that they pat him on the head and say the cherished phrase "You are good."

Can an inner critic motivate you to achieve a goal?

One would think that the critic has positive sides - he does not allow to sit still, gives strength and generally forces at least something to be done. However, we are not driven by inner criticism, we are driven by desire. If this is not a whim, but a true desire, then it always gives rise to energy. While criticism only takes away strength and motivation. When a person is burning with the fulfillment of desire, he knows what his first step will be. Desire is always action. And criticism "kills" all impulses in us, demotivates and destroys. Awareness of your successes and achievements, rather than focusing on mistakes, helps to maintain motivation. Self-talk in a positive way is always much more effective than self-criticism. When you choose to berate yourself, it turns out that you are choosing punishment over reward. Punishment can discourage you from doing any business. Think back to yourself as a child or look at your child. What motivates him, what inspires - your words in the form of reproaches or your words in the form of support?

The inner critic not only takes away energy and resources, he changes the idea of his strengths and capabilities. Moreover, he distorts his own self-perception. I recommend reading the book by Karen Pryor "Don't growl at the dog!" - there are given many answers regarding questions of punishment and reward.

Remember that our thoughts are related to the body. Thought is always primary. First we think about something, then a response occurs within us and feelings appear. If a thought is negative, then it triggers many destructive feelings that have a destructive effect. Our thoughts are capable of changing hormonal levels, which leads to poor health and various diseases. Be mindful of what you think and what you say to yourself.

How to deal with your inner critic?

Catch and recognize criticism

Often the inner critic speaks to you automatically, and you may not notice the rapidly changing negative phrases. At the same time, you simply feel that your well-being and emotional state has worsened. It is important to begin to consciously approach the moments when the critic is having a conversation with you. To do this, you need to create a notebook where you will write down thoughts about the appearance of a critic. I recommend using pen and paper, but you can also take notes on your phone or computer.

The first thing to fix is moments when the inner critic appears.

Write down the circumstances under which the critic begins to actively emerge. What event preceded its appearance. These are your sore spots that need to be strengthened. Often a critic can appear when you are in a non-resource state - you are in a bad mood, you feel bad, you are overworked, etc. Either when you have failed or received negative feedback. Or it may appear when you have completed the work you have begun, but instead of joy you felt devastation, and it is at this moment that the critic begins his monologue. When you write down these situations, you will know them in person. And next time you will be able to recognize the events, fix the critic's words and realize that this is not true. What the critic says is not true, he only presses on sore spots, and now you can prevent this from happening.

The second thing to write down is inner critic's words … What does he tell you? Whose voice?

The critic usually uses a set of certain phrases. It would be nice to know these phrases - they will become a guide for you that the critic has become more active.

Try to hear whose voice these phrases sound in your head. Most often it is the voice of your loved ones - your parents or people who are important to you. For example, it can be a person from the past with whom important events were associated, but it can also be people from your current environment. Once you understand whose voice is "speaking", you can accept the fact that these are just the words of another person - not yours. You don't think that about yourself. And plus you will have the opportunity to close for yourself an exciting situation associated with this person. If he is in the field of your life, then you can talk to him, talk about your feelings and close the gestalt. This will be the stage of your release.

Third - When you recognize the critic's words, ask yourself the following questions:

- Does it help me?

- Do I become more effective from this?

- Does it inspire, motivate me?

- Do these words help me find harmony with myself?

When you come to the understanding that inner criticism does not help you in any way, that it does not stimulate or motivate you, you will have the opportunity to refuse it. And ask yourself one more question:

- If I could say to myself words that would help me and that would inspire me, what words would they be?

And be sure to write these words down, and come back to them when you feel that the critic starts to pick up.

Fourth - record your feelings at the moment the critic appears.

When you focus on your feelings, you begin to better understand yourself and your emotional reactions. Reflecting feelings on paper is not just identifying them, it is already to some extent reacting to them. Do an analysis for each situation, what feelings do you have, and what behavior do they provoke?

You can get upset and shut yourself off from everyone, run away from the problem, or you can get very angry and go to prove your strength and innocence. You may find yourself choosing the same strategies and behaviors for certain feelings. Analyze them in terms of their effectiveness for you. If your behavior does not work for you, and you realize it, then in the next situation you can break this habitual pattern and act differently.

Detach from criticism

When you understand and accept that the inner critic is not you and not your true thoughts about yourself, when you realize that this is an outside voice, then you can control it. To further remove the critic from yourself, come up with a name for him. Just don't call him Masha, Petya, Vova - come up with some funny or ridiculous nickname. Once you separate the critic from your personality, you are freed from his influence.

Then write yourself a letter on his behalf. Immerse yourself in the role of a critic, feel him and write what he wants from you, why he came, what he expects. Try to imagine how he thinks, how he puts his ideas into words. A critic can tell you in a letter that he cares about you, tries to save you from adversity and disappointment. And his mission may have good intentions - thank him for that. After that, write in reply that you are grateful to him, but at the same time you can independently cope with mistakes and failures. Explain that you are a strong person and do not want to put off your life for later because of your fears and concerns. Each of you will have your own letter and your answer. Do this practice and you will immediately feel relief and see the effect of this inner work.

Find an ally

To weaken the influence of the critic, you need to cultivate an inner voice that will notice all your merits and successes, which will focus not on the bad, but on the good. You need to find an ally in your own person. And these will already be real thoughts and words that have a positive effect on your emotional state, well-being and behavior. Learn to notice strengths, pay attention to what you did well and what you could add next time to make it even better. Get yourself a Success Diary and write down all your achievements for the day. And remember that there are no small victories, and each victory is yours and it is important.

Whether you focus on the positive or negative, punish or reward yourself, depending on this, you set yourself up and program yourself. When you constantly tell yourself “I’m a failure,” the brain starts this program. You will only notice your failures, and your thoughts will always be focused only on the mistakes that you will make more and more. At the same time, any achievements and successes will fall out of sight. Your task is to destroy the negative attitude and replace it with a positive one. Noticing your skills, victories, you will gain more and more self-confidence, there will be more energy, strength will appear for the implementation of your plans. And you will understand that the inner critic was wrong about you.