2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18
At least some of the problems a person suffers from are generated by him over and over again. The person receives the greatest damage not so much from the event as such, but from what the Inner Critic thinks about it. He is also the Criticizing Parent in the language of Transactional Analysis. It is he who scolds for mistakes, devalues, endows with unflattering epithets, cuts wings and makes one feel guilty and ashamed.
The attitude towards him that the child received in childhood remains with him in adulthood.
He perceives himself as significant adults reflected it to him:
- Well, who are you so lazy?
- Yes, our girl does not shine with talents …
Requires of himself the same as they demanded:
- Quickly wipe away your tears and calm down! Look, you spread the dampness!
- If you take on something, do it perfectly. Or don't take it!
Assesses his capabilities according to their bar:
- Well, who will take you to marry?
- No, we can't handle your institute, choose something simpler …
Surprisingly, he acts with others in the same way that his Inner Parent behaves with him.
A strict and demanding dance teacher expects from her students what they once expected from her - that they will forget about their children's needs and will devote all their strength to training in order to achieve perfection. She prepares them for competitions and does not understand how it is to "dance for fun".
A father who did not receive enough care and understanding in childhood will drill his children, expecting obedience from them. Just like his parents did.
The criticizing Parent tells us what we should do, points out mistakes and scolds for them. He knows everything about "how it should be." And he is always unhappy.
After all, you could always do better.
Reasons for the appearance of a critic:
- Negative attitude, depreciation;
- Cold and demanding attitude towards the child of the mother;
- Direct or indirect criticism of actions, appearance, character, results;
- Appeal to shame as a habitual method of education ("Oh, how shameful!", "Don't disgrace me!");
- Not the separation by parents and significant adults of the actions of the child and his personality ("You are a bad boy", instead of: "I do not approve of this act");
- Adults pouring out their negative emotions on the child;
- Inconsistency of the requirements and attitude of parents to certain things.
The Inner Critic is categorized into 3 types
Demanding … He appeals to standards and achievements, expects excellence, compares with others.
Punishing … Calls, attacks, does not respect, does not take into account feelings, humiliates.
Accusing … He is ashamed, imputes responsibility for what is happening, as if one person was to blame for everything.
All these critics are destructive. You can look for a reasonable grain in their manifestations, but the approach that Schematherapy offers is closer to me - to consider any internal criticism harmful. And work with a critic to fail. This method allows you to get away from the idea of forcing yourself, violence against yourself, which, unfortunately, is too popular, thanks to the directive pedagogy that most people went through in childhood.
The difficulty in changing destructive patterns that were learned in childhood is that they are perceived as normal. Until a person sees alternative ways of living, until he can compare. But this is not always easy, because our perception is selective and tends to confirm in the external reality what is in the internal reality. Often a person does not analyze his beliefs - he simply lives by them. Suffers and does not understand what exactly creates his problems.
Therefore, an important part of counseling work is the psychologist's reflection on the client about himself. Starting to get to know himself, how and why he feels what he feels, makes the choices he makes, meets similar people and finds himself in similar situations, a person begins to see an alternative, learns to relate to himself differently.
A very effective way of identifying criticisms is by taking notes between sessions. For example, according to this pattern:
- A situation in which dissatisfaction with oneself arose. I forgot about the promise to a friend.
- What the Critic says about what should have been, or how he assesses the situation and who is dissatisfied with. You are absent-minded and optional! You should have remembered what you were negotiating! You must always keep your promises!
Thus, through their life examples, the client learns to notice and separate the excessive generalizations and labels of the Parent from the real state of affairs.
I see one of the important tasks of work in therapy - to help the client to grow inside the Caring Parent as an alternative to the Criticist. Including, through the demonstration of this image by a psychologist. Because sometimes this image is simply nowhere to take - there were no warm, wise, caring and unconditionally loving adults in childhood, it just so happened …
In the process of working with the theme of the Inner Critic, a person:
- Learns to replace self-depreciation with self-support and motivation.
- Builds self-esteem.
- He recognizes his real self and becomes able to accept all aspects of his personality. Becomes more holistic.
- Gives himself the right to make mistakes.
One way to deal with criticism is by talking to the Criticizing Parent from the Adult side. Or write him a letter.
For example:
Quote from the Criticizing Parent: You must understand everything the first time. If you do not understand, then you are worthless and stupid.
Answer from the Adult part: It is normal not to understand something. I have the right not to understand something the first time. This does not mean that I will never understand it. And that says absolutely nothing about my mind. There are many influencing factors in this process. And the presentation of the material, and the level of training, and the amount of information. I have enough strength and motivation to learn what I need and is interested in.
Switching to Adult removes the totality of Parental Assessment, which takes away strength rather than motivates.
As exercises for training self-support, I can recommend:
- Keep a Success Diary - writing down at least three things you can praise yourself for every night.
- Make a list of your talents and positive qualities. Both in your opinion and in the opinion of others.
- Imagine that the Critic is the voice of the radio and its volume can be reduced or even turned off.
I believe that people, like plants, grow well and thrive in fertile soil.
They reveal their talents where they are loved and supported.
They choose what they really need when their wishes are respected.
Allow themselves to take risks and try where they are accepted for who they are.
Building that positive foundation, creating a supportive environment, caring for yourself, and building resilience to adversity are all part of a successful and comfortable life.
And this is the path worth taking.
I write about what I work with in my psychological practice. If the situation or problem described in the article seemed close to you and you would like to discuss it, sign up for a consultation, I can help you.
Recommended:
Anxiety And Inner Critic
Author: Anastasia Rubtsova I read a psychological article, there they again offered to "turn off the inner critic" and promised for this eternal bliss. In such cases, I am worried about the inner critic, and a little about the fate of humanity.
Where Am I Doing My Talents? Or The Work Of An Inner Critic
As a child, I liked doing so many things, where did everything disappear? Your talents are when you enjoy the process, and it brings pleasure and benefits to those around you. This is not necessarily what you are already making money with.
It Is Useless To Feed The Inner Critic With Achievements
Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist - St. Petersburg One of the most common mistakes in taming your inner critic is trying to feed him with achievement. To do so many things so that he finally agrees - now everything is fine. And he lagged behind with his endless criticism.
The Inner Critic - What Is This And How To Deal With Him?
Annoying rot, potential eater, dwarf dwarf) or what would you call your Inner Critic? Yes, this comrade can pretty much ruin your life. How to be? Let's figure it out. Psychologists call it in a clever way) - the super-self, the controlling parent or autonomous negative thoughts, the Nagoski sisters in their book "
Inner Critic. Subtype "Ashamed, Comrades!"
This beast is a little harder than the previous one. He makes you blush and lower your eyes, mumble and apologize. "It's a shame, comrades" is a genius in observing facial expressions, reactions of other people. True, he interprets these reactions in a very different way:
