To Make Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

To make love

This article is not an instruction for use, this is knowledge that I want to share and which, I hope, will help expand the picture of the world of those interested in the causes of dysfunctional relationships.

Navigation through the article:

What is love. Psychological approach.

"To love in your own way." Types of love.

Love and stress. The neurophysiology of love.

How unconsciously love is experienced. Psychoanalytic approach.

What is love. Psychological approach

"NS. Fromm (1990) writes that “hardly any word is surrounded by such ambiguity and confusion as the word“love”. It is used to refer to almost every feeling that is not associated with hatred and disgust. It includes everything from the love of ice cream to the love of the symphony, from the light sympathy to the deepest sense of intimacy. People feel loving when they are "infatuated" with someone. They also call their addiction and their possessiveness love. They really believe that nothing is easier than love, the difficulty is only in finding a worthy object, and they attribute the failure to find happiness and love to their bad luck in choosing a worthy partner. But despite all this confusion and wishful thinking, love is a very specific feeling; and although every human being has the ability to love, fulfilling it is one of the most difficult tasks. This is care, responsibility, respect and knowledge. Care and responsibility mean that love is an activity, not a passion that has seized someone, and not an affect that has captured someone "**

Considering the different interpretations of the feeling of love among philosophers, psychologists, neuroscientists, one can single out the main signs - these are cordiality and affection. Heartiness manifests itself in tenderness, affection, hugs and kisses. “Attachment is a steady need for communication with this person and closeness with him” **. These two parameters are also inherent in falling in love and friendship, but functionally differ in that different neurophysiological systems are involved in the experience of love, falling in love and friendship.

Living love, we experience an intimate attachment to another, and when parting with the object of love, a person feels an irreparable loss.

"To love in your own way." Types of love

You've probably heard the expression: "He loves me, but in his own way." Each person has his own unique style, both in the way of life, clothes, and in the manifestation of love. Canadian sociologist D. Lee, having analyzed thousands of quotes about love, identified six main styles of manifestation of this feeling:

1) eros - passionate love-hobby, striving for complete physical possession. This love is often called love at first sight. It is characterized by romantic admiration, the beauty of the partner's body. It has a powerful sexy hue and can be symbolized in red. It quickly flares up and quickly goes out, but it can also develop into deep long-term love;

2) ludus (translated from Lat. "Play, as a pastime"), is symbolically represented in yellow. Sensual love is a game that does not differ in the depth of feelings and allows for the possibility of having several partners. In this style, the partner may have several "fallbacks" or "many attachments", which unconsciously does not allow too deep attachment to one of them. However, through emotional intimacy, it is possible to build a loyal, trusting relationship;

3) storge (translated from Greek. "Tenderness", "sympathy") - calm, warm and reliable love-friendship, symbolically represented in blue. This style can develop from friendships, it is filled with charm, calmness and reliability;

4) pragma (translated from Greek.“The art of doing the right thing”) - arises from the combination of ludus and the storge is symbolized in green - rational, easily controllable love of calculation. This side of love is stable, balanced. The partner has a clear idea of what is important for him to see in his partner. In a relationship, they negotiate, often conclude marriage contracts and follow the agreed agreements. It has every chance of developing into a deep, intense feeling;

5) mania (translated from Greek "fury, madness") - appears as a combination of eros and ludus, the color is orange. Irrational love is an obsession, for which insecurity and dependence on the object of attraction are typical. The partner is often idealized, ascending to heaven, as a result of which insane jealousy, hard-to-control anxiety and obsessive thoughts arise;

6) agape (translated from the Greek "giving", "divine love") - selfless love-self-giving, the synthesis of eros and storge, represented in purple. It is characterized by a desire for happiness and well-being of a loved one, patience, undemandingness and constancy.

For women, storgic, pragmatic and manic manifestations of love are more characteristic, and erotic and especially human love is more characteristic of young men. D. Lee believes that styles remain the same throughout life. And at the same time, you can trace some of their regular changes.

For example, for men up to 30 years old, the styles of eros and ludus are more characteristic. Storge style - experienced at the stage of creating a family. And only over time, relationships can turn into agape style.

Love and stress. The neurophysiology of love

What happens in our body at the biochemical level when we experience falling in love, love, affection?

Cortex (neocortix) is responsible for intelligence. She is responsible for rationalizing our emotional (limbic system of the brain) and archaic (reptilian brain) choices.

Limbic system “Makes” unconscious emotional choices in accordance with the ideal internal image of the partner, which has developed as a result of the experience of interaction with significant figures in childhood. In this case, the critical part is discarded, exclusively attractive sides of moms, dads, grandmothers, teachers, movie characters, etc. are chosen. Thus, the feelings of carelessness, comfort, security are recreated, which were in childhood when communicating with these people, or they think of what they would be. If, for example, dad left the family early and the child was left with an emotionally cold mom, then fantasies about an ideal dad that defy objective criticism can quite strongly influence the infantile infantile expectation of an ideal partner, whom “I will meet and immediately understand that this is mine. half.

Reptilian system brain (instincts, survival, self-preservation). The reptilian brain activates aggression, sex drive, desire to dominate, to be the only owner, to control, to be ruthless. The strongest and most difficult to control drives are evoked. At this archaic level, a woman chooses the strongest man, with strong hands, straightforward and brutal. A man chooses a woman with voluminous breasts, prominent hips. At the bio-survival level, a woman is chosen to feed and bear children, a man for protection and support. These needs are genetically inherent and no matter how much they are suppressed by the intellect, they will "climb out", sublimate in other sometimes pathological manifestations.

Stress together causes a surge endorphins, hormones of pain relief, intoxicating consciousness. These pleasant states are associated with the person who was nearby and contribute to the strengthening of attachment.

So, when the image of an ideal internal object coincides with an external subject, the lover experiences a state - as if in a fog, thoughts get confused, the language does not obey, the heartbeat quickens. He wants to be around all the time and continue to experience these feelings. Produced dopamine hormone, which also contributes to meeting the needs of the reptilian brain.

Any changes in homeostasis (articles "What is stress", "Types of stress") cause a stress response leading to the release adrenaline that contributes to exceeding the usual level of capabilities. The man is ready to move mountains.

The release of endorphins at the same time reduces the level of joy - serotonin, therefore, falling in love is often associated with suffering, depression.

The longer two people are in a relationship, the further the decrease in the level of the listed hormones occurs and the phase of calmness and evenness begins. In such a relationship, with frequent tactile contact, hormones are produced. vasopressin and oxytocin (article "Stress hormones"). These hormones help to strengthen emotional attachment, tenderness to each other.

The hormonal system creates an emotional dependence, similar to the addict's dependence on the drug used. I would like to experience these states more and more.

How unconsciously love is experienced. Psychoanalytic approach

If one partner in communication tries to give only positive emotions, the other has a sense of the danger of excessive rapprochement. It is impossible to get close to each other endlessly. Unconsciously, excessive rapprochement (each has its own safety zone) causes the fear of dissolving suddenly, losing oneself. In the analytical approach, an internal conflict is manifested in this way - on the one hand, one wants to return to paradise - to the mother's womb, when everything is common, when all needs were satisfied and there was complete bliss: the child and mother are a single organism. But on the other hand, there is a consciousness of oneself as a separate personal unit, and there are needs for self-realization that cannot be realized, being part of someone who satisfies your needs for food, warmth, comfort, emotional closeness. Irritation, disgust - those feelings that help to distance yourself at a safe distance. Conflict, manifestation of anger is an unconscious way to set boundaries that ensure personal safety. Sometimes, the partner seeks other attachments. This means not only betrayal, but also immersion in work, in new hobbies, projects, etc. At the same time, an excess of negative emotions: criticism, nagging, demands, when they are no longer perceived, leads to indifference.

You need to be congruent and authentic in your relationship. Don't sacrifice yourself, but remain yourself in the relationship

It means:

- to be upset when offensive, sad

- to say “no” when you don’t want to, denoting your boundaries

- show tenderness and talk about your love

- despite a good relationship, do not be afraid to frustrate your partner if you disagree with something

- it is important to show a variety of emotions

- learn to experience and empathize without showing infantilizing pity for your partner

- learn to talk about your feelings without touching your partner's personality

In the next article, “Making love. How to maintain a relationship”we will consider the following questions: stages of development of love on the example of the parable“Woman-Skeleton”; how a psychotherapist can help a client by the method of depth psychology "symboldrama" when experiencing crises in a relationship.

List of used literature:

*TO. Estes "Running with the Wolves"

** E. P. Ilyin "Emotions and Feelings"

S. Dimitrova "Towards Love"

Illustration taken from the site