When A Partner Is A Gerontophile

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

WHEN THE PARTNER IS GERONTOFIL

I recently worked with a married couple and came across a history as ancient as the world.

So, the family to be “saved”. She, Inna - a young, beautiful 24-year-old girl - filed for divorce. The marriage lasted a year, but the thin binding threads stretched out like a synthetic sweater and no longer held the couple together. He - in the sense that still husband Kostya - is 12 years older, financially successful and socially active - asks you not to rush in the hope that everything will work out.

"What's the problem?" - I asked a rhetorical question. And I received the following answer from Inna: "The problem is in my grandmother."

Granny is a special person for Kostya. His grandmother raised him from three months. His grandmother took him to school and to the sports sections. You can have a heart-to-heart talk with your grandmother. Grandmother is an amazing cook and does not just a biscuit with sour cream, but bakes pasta (or how to tilt them correctly) from almond flour … And also the hostess … And at 74 she looks 50, and is always combed, and never gets tired …

In general, the wife has almost given up. Grandma won the competition.

However, along the way, it turned out that all the competition is virtual. Grandmother lives on the other side of the city, does not go to visit, does not interfere in business. But she is invisibly present in the family all the time. "Reconciliation with the grandmother" happens all the time, and the young wife has no resources left - all the same, grandmother is the best. Kostya constantly checks for Inna's compliance with the “grandmother” reference model - and the wife is never “at her best”. Inna fails all the "tests" over and over again. In the best case, Inna makes up to 20%, and so her works are usually measured in deci- and milli-grandmothers.

Kostya tastes the soup as if he were assigning a Michelin star. He sniffs, frowns, carefully puts it in his mouth, looks up, takes a sip - and … The corners of his lips descend, universal grief settles on his face … Ah !!! Disappointment again! Again, not that … But grandma !!!

Inna talked to Kostya. Explained. I asked. He - from his point of view - has improved. Almost never criticizes Inna. But you can't hide a mask on your face. But disgruntled sighs and squeamish expression cannot be changed. And Inna decided to divorce - because for her it is easier than constant casting, where she loses again and again. Now one thing is wrong, then another … Even Kostya's back is scratched by grandmother better than his wife.

Of course, I did everything to establish communication in pairs. She taught direct messages and I-statements. She worked with childhood traumas. She forbade both of them to compare their partner with anyone else …

But they came to me. And I knocked on both of them in the head, kidneys, liver and other places.

And how many couples live and torment each other without consulting a psychologist? How many wives and husbands are traumatized every day, hearing the texts "But my dad …", "And my aunt …" "Mom did not so …", "Grandfather said that …"

« Gerontophil"Is, of course, a metaphor. But "the tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it." Failure to accept your partner, dissatisfaction and constant comparison with others leads to the fact that in the beginning, strong relationships begin to melt, like an icicle in spring. Tears drip, reproaches boil, cooling and alienation arise … No one likes the fact that next to him there is always a ceremonial portrait of Comrade Stalin and at the slightest mistake of his spouse says: "But Comrade Stalin would not have done that." Yes, Comrade Stalin would have shot her long ago - but she didn’t marry him, but her husband.

So, if you live with a "gerontophile" - do not despair (I will say right away - better than with a "pedophile", because the new generation is smarter, faster, more beautiful:)). His love for someone perfect is strong and loyal, but usually partnerships are impossible with the subject of admiration. Even the old man Sigmund wrote about the Oedipus situation, where an attraction to the parent of the opposite sex arises. But the fate of this attraction is to transform into tenderness, affection, respect for dad / mom with the acceptance of the need to look for a partner “in the world”. That is why the young wife told her husband: "Everything is fine, but you cannot sleep with your grandmother." Maybe, of course - but why?

One of my clients had been dating a guy for two years and heard about his wonderful mother - how she is just super-duper in everything. And when I got to their house for the first time, I noticed both unwashed dishes, and a stale towel, and the food was so-so … But she was wise - despite her young age - and realized that it was very important for her future husband to preserve the idealized image of her mother. And at the right moment she said: I respect your mother, she did a lot for you, I am very grateful to her. But now you live with me, and I ask you never to compare me to her again. I can never give you what she gave - life. But I can give you a lot more if you can see ME. He seems to have heard. It helped. And the relationship with his mom is good, and no "In fact, your mom is a slob, makes mistakes in stress and walks with stale manicure" he did not have to listen (I was quite suitable for the role to listen - discuss - contain - send to the landfill).

We cannot be clones of each other.

We smell differently, talk, react, sleep, laugh, cook, play, love, get angry.

We are in some ways similar, but in some ways very different from each other.

And sometimes someone wants to cry, because even if he moves to the gym, he will not have muscles and abs like his brother Vanya; and she would never make exactly the kind of onion French soup that his mother did; and children - and they are also in the subject - most likely will not play like little Mozart, even if they are tormented and beaten in the same way as Wolfgang was tormented by his daddy …

Each of us has an ideal, and often it is formed in childhood, under the influence of significant relatives, first teachers, neighbors … This is normal, of course, idealization is an important stage in the formation of relationships. As, however, and disappointment.

But what to do if your partner every time takes out the coveted blue box with the mummified relics of Princess Marya Aleksevna, looks at you reproachfully and says: “My God! What will he say …"

And now I include the pedagogical part and try to describe some recommendations for correcting the "gerontophile".

1) Think what is "Trigger", trigger in the words of the partner. That you are being compared to someone? That you are losing the competition? That you were humiliated? Think and write down the answer you received.

2) What are you feel in this moment? Resentment? Pain? Sadness? Do these feelings quickly turn into anger? Write it down.

3) How are you start to perceive yourself after these words (I'm a loser; it didn't work out for me again; I'm somehow wrong, etc.). How do you perceive your partner at this moment (indifferent, indifferent, aggressor, etc.). Write it down. If difficult, use a metaphor (I am Cinderella, he is the Stepmother; I am the dumb Little Mermaid, he is the wicked Witch).

4) Remember what you usually do at this moment: shut up, turn away, start a conflict, leave, slamming the door … Write it down.

5) Think about what you are wait, want from your partner: attention, appreciation, gratitude, respect, so that you notice … Write it down.

6) And now finally try to tell your partner how unpleasant comparisons with his mom-dad-sister-aunt-grandfather are to you. But do it not hot on the heels of the conflict, but when you cool down, conduct an analysis, do your written homework. Do it according to the following scheme:

7) Make it clear to your partner that everyone - including you - also has an ideal, but do you love himrather than an abstract or concrete specimen of human nature. And expect the same from him.

It is not simple. Many couples fall apart due to the comparison of the second husband with the holy first (what then got divorced, one wonders), with a six-armed mom or an ex-boyfriend who seems to be the prototype of the Flash or the X-Men. But comparisons are generally destructive for our lives, when there are too many of them and they are always not in our favor.

Therefore, the task of good partners who want to live together for some more time is to learn to look at the Other with love, and not criticism; with care, and not with hungry exactingness; with tenderness, not severity; readily accept and forgive, not reject and condemn …

And you, as you already know, will have GREAT HUMAN HAPPINESS.