2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
At the beginning of the year, we are used to setting goals, planning and dreaming about new achievements in life. Posts in social networks are full of summing up the results of the past year, and setting goals for the new one
The most popular goals are those related to the external change in a person's environment, indicating a certain period: go on vacation, buy a car, or open a new business direction. There are internal goals that we want to change in ourselves: for example, it is easier to relate to life, not to be offended by trifles, to become more self-confident, etc.
We set ourselves the deadlines for achieving these goals, including SMART, indicating a specific deadline. But I noticed that if with outward goals, the set deadline helps to achieve them and we ourselves often know how to achieve this, then the set deadline interferes with internal changes, and we ourselves are often disappointed because we do not know how to come to what we want.
Why is this happening?
When clients come to me for psychotherapy, they change themselves, with clearly defined time frames. They often expect guarantees and confirmation of these terms from me.
I have to disappoint them at the first meeting, because I do not have the gift of foresight, and I do not know how long it will take for them to change.
Why?
Because the psyche lives according to its own laws, it has its own unique calculation of time for each person, not linear. Some internal processes go very quickly, while others take a long time to work through.
Moreover, the concept of "fast" and "slow" is absolutely unique for each person. For one, fast is a month, and for another, two years. In psychotherapy there are no universal laws for all, even temporary ones.
What is happening, why tools working outside are not effective in working with themselves? For example, the set time frame, which motivates and organizes us to achieve external goals, interferes with internal changes.
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It is the psyche that controls, not the person
What is happening, why tools working outside are not effective in working with themselves? For example, the set time frame, which motivates and organizes us to achieve external goals, interferes with internal changes.
Some begin to look for the reason in themselves: “I did not try enough”, “I set the goal incorrectly”, and even devalue myself “I am not capable of anything”. Others shift the responsibility onto others: “my husband / wife / boss, etc. interfered with me”, “so-so you are a psychologist, since 3 consultations have passed, but nothing has changed”, or they devalue the goal itself: “I don’t need this at all”.
Why is this happening?
The answer is simple - we do not know ourselves and do not trust ourselves. We don’t know what “fast” is for us, but what is “long”, how much is it in linear time? And we also don’t trust ourselves - we don’t accept ourselves, for example, the fact that for some changes “quickly” is not a month, but a year.
Let's remember one of your last examples of separation from a partner, or the loss of a loved one. A month passes with such a loss (this is the most difficult period in life after the loss) - in linear calculus quickly, but in your inner feeling how is it fast? As far as I can remember, after such losses and losses, time passes very slowly, it is very difficult for us, it is scary, it hurts. It feels like it lasts forever: several months, or even years. It is so difficult for us to endure and hold this pain inside ourselves.
Therefore, I believe that the inner laws of the psyche cannot be measured by external instruments, including time.
How the psyche lives and changes
I believe that change is possible in any person - the rest is a matter of time and the desires of the person himself. Based on this principle, it is impossible to plan a change, but you can get to know yourself, your feelings in relation to the goal and give your psyche time to change at your own pace. Find out your internal time, and allow it to change at its pace.
You know, now I come to the conclusion that our psyche itself is larger than our consciousness, is interested in us becoming whole, changing and becoming happy. Moreover, she strives with all her might to do just that.
What does it mean?
A person just needs to trust his psyche, believe himself, recognize what we really want inside and what we strive for. After all, inside we know exactly what is right for us and we can only help ourselves, through recognizing ourselves. In this case, a matter of time is a question in which our psyche understands better, a month for a change means a month, a year means a year, or even several years. So this is how it suits us best. And just as we accept the fact of the flow of linear time and our impossibility to change it, so we should accept ourselves with our inner time-calculus.
However, the fact that we cannot plan our internal changes relying on linear time, while we can rely on our own experience, our knowledge of ourselves, and how we are arranged. And this is where the psychologist helps, and I can guarantee this to my clients - you will definitely get to know yourself better, you will begin to accept yourself and believe in yourself, which means you will change at your personal inner pace.
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