Suffering

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Suffering.

Believe me, you also need to be able to suffer. Yes, and since you do it, it is a whole art in which you are a virtuoso. Yes, there is no understanding about a certain capture by the archetype of a victim, a loser or someone else, the eternal fearless pursuer of the goal is not able to achieve it. Yes, there is no awareness of legal succession and competition in suffering with your parents, who were unconditional authorities for you in this matter, and to put it bluntly, your happiness will destroy them, not please, but you certainly will not wait for their happiness.

And this is how the days drag on like a caravan of flies flying to the smell of flowers, and it still seems that yesterday was worse than today, and there is hope, like an absurd hostage in this divine comedy, absolutely useless and irresponsible ownerless, like dust under the bed …

Suffering fills your life with at least some aroma of accomplishments, you grow in the eyes of your involvement with God in suffering. For him, the only one, for the omnipotent resolver of the beginning of your relaxation, you try, you climb into the impenetrable abyss of torment, you try unsuccessfully to remember all life traumas, bypassing, of course, holidays and fun. You will be saved, you will, but when it is not known.

But it would seem, fuck your mother, how much can you burn, you tell yourself and they tell you. But, you know the truth about your suffering, you know exactly what you need to suffer, you need, for the sake of great awareness of happiness, but only when no one sees, in a secluded place, alone, as you love. And yes, this is very personal, yes, in some places indecent, yes, completely problematic, but nevertheless, grandiosely narcissistic. And since it so happened that no one saw and still does not see your thin soul, wounded up and down by unseeing indifferent glances, which did not bring warmth and affection, did not notice you, not beckoning, but deadly cold directed past you, spreading over surface of the background, anywhere, just not at you, then you really disappeared from their field of vision, leaving for them your aching, suffering avatar, at which they will only glimpse, and you helped them save love. You are hero!

And you continue to suffer, because it’s easier, so you can’t explain to non-understanding people that you love in this life in yourself, but they don’t understand, your gaze at the sky is enough to see the masterpieces, rejoice from the happiness of belonging, but they … they will receive from you is not a piece of the sky, but only a small gray cloud, although in it you can see indescribable beauty and greatness. Your narcissistic trauma has robbed you of the love seen by others, but it has given you the ability to see love wherever you are. Well, they will be punished for their inability to notice you, for the missed chance to touch the masterpiece of the world, and do not be sad about this, they bitterly repent for their blindness.

As Henry Miller wrote - "why go somewhere to see the world, I stand still and watch how it revolves around me" (well, something like that), and it seems to me that you understand what it is about. Just look out the window, it's great. Listen to your pain, it's amazing.

I'm sorry that no one sees, hears or understands you. I'm really sorry for you.

I.