The Habit Of Suffering

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I knew an old aunt. Aunt was brightly painted, erected unimaginable architectural structures on her head, firmly cemented with hairspray, generously and completely uncontrollably watered herself with various perfumes and deodorants, which made it difficult to breathe next to her. In addition to these obvious advantages, the aunt had one more thing - she wore the seal of universal sorrow on her forehead, which inspired a certain respect for her inexperienced inhabitants. Aunt selflessly and obsessively suffered, always, everywhere and about everything. And she considered it her duty to notify everyone around her of her suffering, who at the moment had the imprudence to be in her reach. There were plenty of reasons for suffering, so my aunt was on a 24-hour passive watch, with a break for "eat" and "I go to the toilet." Often, suffering turned into accusations, accusations, and then everyone fell under the distribution - a fool neighbor, a bad friend, Putin and "they", an ungrateful daughter, and then "read out the entire list of pzhlust." And of course, my aunt was very picturesquely "ill", exponentially clutching at her head and at her heart, demonstratively rustling the foil from the pills and sighing loudly and colorfully at such a heavy share. "I believe!" - Stanislavsky would say! And the Nobel Committee would certainly have presented a prize for life in a "victim", if there was such a thing.

If you think that I am being ironic, then not at all. To be honest with ourselves, we all love to “sacrifice”. We have it in culture, in traditions, "so it is accepted." It is not customary to rejoice from the heart, but "sacrifice" is always welcome.

Why is the role of “victim” so attractive, why is it so difficult to part with it?

There are many reasons and they, as a rule, are not recognized. We absorb such behavioral stereotypes in the family, in society, and reproduce them in adulthood, without thinking at all, automatically, because "how else?" In another way, we practically did not see.

Suffering is a widely accepted and socially accepted behavior in our society. This habit (and this is precisely the habit) has become so deeply embedded in our blood and flesh that we have become akin to it and do not notice either in ourselves or in others. The sufferer feels quite comfortable in this role, and the bonuses are pleasant - they will always regret, they will pay attention, there will always be a pleasant interlocutor with whom there will be something to suffer. In addition, there is a kind of exclusivity in suffering. Christian culture presents suffering as a kind of redemption, cleansing, a thorny path, at the end of which reward awaits. Nobody knows what specific reward is, but there is no time to think about it, there is no time, you have to suffer! Martyrs in Christianity are elevated to the rank of saints, and one must, as it were, be equal to them. Meanwhile, the highest goal of any religion, any teaching is to achieve such a level of development of the soul, when joy becomes a natural and constant companion.

Human "victim" always feels himself an order of magnitude higher than those around him. He has a certain claim to the world, he always knows how it will be better for this world and sincerely suffers when the world does not want to fit into the framework prepared for him as a “sacrifice”. Often exclaimed “ a victim"-" I am so worried about all this that I do not sleep at night! " I take everything so close to my heart! I'm so good! " The claims made to the world have no basis, the world, as it lived, and lives, regardless of whether someone suffers about it or not, and this, in turn, strengthens the "victim" in its role.

The state of "victim" creates a sense of belonging to a group, where everyone is united by some common suffering. Suffering has turned into a national amusement according to the principle "against whom are we friends?"Offended women suffer against bastards, who took out a loan against bank robbers, grandmothers in polyclinics are united by suffering against uneducated and indifferent doctors, and the people in general are against the insidious Putin and others like him. Belonging to such groups gives a sense of existence in society, and if a person has decided to stop suffering, then this is a very serious test for him.

When, several years ago, I set myself the goal of learning to live in joy, I was surprised and somewhat afraid to find that I had no one to talk to! My "victim" always sat deep inside and did not particularly appear at people, that is, I did not suffer in public, but supported the passive conversations with my presence. And then I decided to leave such conversations. And I had no one to communicate with, except for a couple of friends, I fell out of society! I had to show restraint before people began to form around me, ready to talk about other topics!

The victim position is, among other things, passive. The “victim” is allowed to do nothing to improve his plight, and yet it is “doing,” the action that allows one to achieve some kind of change in life for the better. But the “victim” is busy with a much more important matter, which takes a lot of strength and energy - she suffers and this is honorable! On closer inspection, the position of the "victim" is far from being so dire. It's just that it is not customary in society to talk about their achievements, successes - this is declared boasting, and then someone will suddenly envy, and even jinx it, it is better to remain silent. All these sayings like “today you laugh a lot - tomorrow you will cry” are familiar from childhood and were presented as pearls of worldly wisdom by caring parents and compassionate old women. Some especially zealous teachers of life directly and categorically declared - "Laughter for no reason is a sign of foolishness." Where is life here to rejoice, you will not roam!

Parting with the role of "victim" is difficult. Suffering constitutes practically the entire inner life of the “victim” - thoughts running in a circle, endless chewing of the same thing. And when you give up on this, emptiness arises - the place occupied by suffering is freed. Consciousness becomes, as it were, nothing to think about, and in order to fill this void, it begins to slip habitual thoughts and words, recalls yesterday's topical topics, starts looking for something to suffer about.

One has to constantly monitor consciousness and look for reasons for joy in the outside world. These reasons can be the most trivial - I got on the bus, there was no queue at the cashier in the store, the car stopped to let me through. But if, by an effort of will, you direct your attention to these trifles and enjoy them, then the joy becomes more and more, because our life consists of little things, and it is the little things that create the atmosphere. When you learn to rejoice in little things, there are big reasons for joy too! That's exactly what happened to me! What I wish you with all my heart! ©