Mutual Reflections And Curved Mirrors

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It is no secret that self-esteem is built initially on the assimilation of external evaluations. If parents are sure that their girl is a princess, she will feel that way. Perhaps she will be disappointed when she meets with other opinions on this matter. However, what cannot be taken away from her is a basic vision of herself as good, loved and needed. And she will behave in such a way as to get the opinion of herself that she already has at the base. But there are people who were given to understand in childhood that they are not good enough or, on the contrary, are good up to failure or eternally unnecessary mediators of parental quarrels. What will such people expect from those around them? How will they build communication: trying to please or trying to patronize, or can they immediately run to break up any quarrels?

It is about being seen, being seen - in whole or in its individual manifestations. So the mother, noticing the cry of the child, discovers his need and gives her a name, helping to satisfy it, whether it is the need for food, dryness or sleep for the baby or support, positive assessment and self-confidence in a younger student. It's the same story with emotions. Naming your feelings and the feelings of your communication partner works wonders even in the midst of fights. Feelings do not disappear, but they cease to overwhelm, become visible, and therefore bearable.

As he grows up, this ability is integrated, the child learns to recognize his feelings and needs, to recognize their value, to find a suitable form of expression and satisfaction for them. Moreover, not all needs need to be run and satisfied at the slightest detection, any feelings should be immediately presented and expressed. The task is to see and handle them, being able to wait when it is necessary, to find the most suitable way of presentation. This is an ideal picture, but in reality there are no ideal mirrors, and it happens that some area of mental life is not recognized or is recognized erroneously:

- Emotions. They can be banned in whole or in part. For example, anger, such an uncomfortable feeling, you want not to deal with him, who likes it when they are angry with him? They say to the child, stop being angry now, they are punished for being angry. And growing up, contact with this feeling is lost and there is no way to respond to a boor sharply or defend oneself in a situation of attack. The prohibition of anger can be partial, when anger towards a part of people is prohibited or prohibited in certain situations. For example, in a family one should not be angry with elders, one should always be respectful of them, one should always find excuses for any of their behavior, or one should not be angry in a situation of failure or be indignant at the injustice of the world. You can forbid not only negative feelings, but also positive ones. For example, pride may be prohibited, not the one about superiority, but a useful and correct experience of pleasure from what has been done. There may be a myth in the family that one cannot rejoice loudly, otherwise others will envy and everything will disappear. The danger is that without having lived the satisfaction of what you have done, how can you understand whether you are moving in the right direction or in the wrong direction? If in any of your steps you habitually look for mistakes, then how do you know if you are making any progress at all or marking time?

- Needs. Needs can also be ignored altogether. For example, "the heat of the bones does not ache," a person grows up insensitive to the experience of discomfort from the heat, if he falls ill, but the temperature is below 38.8, then this is just whims or sabotage of the school, and then, in adulthood, it will be difficult to recognize the approach of the disease and give oneself adequate treatment and rest. Needs can be confused. The need for support can be suppressed with candy or sweets, the need for love can be replaced with expensive gifts, the need to drink food.

- Behavior. It can also be partially or completely prohibited. For example, you cannot speak in a loud voice. Or only when someone is sleeping nearby. The prohibition may mean the absence of action. For example, you can't skip a day without finding out how your mom is with pressure. Or you can't talk about family quarrels, divorce, father's alcoholism. Sometimes these prohibitions go beyond the reasonable, and sometimes they lose their relevance and fetter quite adequate behavior. For example, a ban on taking care of your appearance or choosing a profession. In any case, they do not give the opportunity to choose their behavior on their own, not based on the usual way of things.

The difficulty lies not only in the fact that these prohibitions are in your life. The difficulty is that they are sometimes invisible, but because they are out of consciousness, they are no less weighty and effective, sometimes setting narrow corridors of your ability to live, feel and be aware of yourself. But you can change only those phenomena in yourself that are conscious and accepted. Acceptance is not equal to approval, it is the recognition of the fact that is important. These habits can be changed when they have enough friendly attention on your part. However, this path is difficult to accomplish alone, since they change in contact, in those relationships where the other sees a little more, sees, names and gives recognition to what escapes your attention. Such contact happens spontaneously in close relationships, such contact happens when working with a psychologist. The choice of the path is yours)