Depressive In Pastel Colors

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Here again, I am lying on the sofa and trying to feel the buzz from the flatness of its surface, my relaxed body, the touch of a soft pillow and a soft blanket. I don't want to get up, but I have to. The days became gray and tasteless, the body heavy and disobedient: “What do you want from me? Get off! Okay, I'll go, and then lie down …”To lie down - my brain echoes in a sweet voice, it's so pleasant, calm … I already hate and curse my sofa for being so inviting, comfortable, soft.

So thoughts appeared: “How nice it would be to disappear, to die”, and then my inner psychologist turns on: “Stop, young lady, but you have depression,” not seasonal blues or malaise - depression, with its insidious, black thoughts and all that, your endless sleep and fatigue, etc. Fuh, and I thought hemoglobin is low, although he too … But die? I thought about what was happening to me in the next few months.

Some kind of new disease, which I have never been ill, in general not dangerous, but quite exhausting enough knocked me out of my clear schedule for a month, it is unpleasant, alarming, no, even scary. Now I have no one to help, two children, I need to be in the ranks, and I'm such a fighter. Nobody else earns money except me. Plans are postponed, finances are spent on treatment, recovery is slow and scary. Hopes and expectations from oneself are not justified.

It turns out that unfulfilled plans and a failure in the schedule can lead to depression, plus fears about what did not happen … there was enough money, no one died of hunger. All that, a little is needed, it turns out.

The only thing that saves me is that a wise person reminds me that I have the right to live the way I want, and I have the right not to live up to my expectations, or the expectations of others, and I have the right to get sick and die, to live at the pace at which I can. and don't give a damn about plans. And then it is easier for me to breathe, I am free from fears. And I get into the state of "now", well, all right.

Just tell my curator that I have the right to my pace, he doesn't seem to agree with that)).

****

"No, honey, you're going to the store!" - Lerka ordered herself severely and got out of bed. She did not feel particularly tired, only chronic laziness, in which she could spend a day or more. Only hunger and other primitive needs could awaken a little vital activity in her.

She does not work, her husband works and his money is quite enough. Why work, rush, get caps from the director, push around in the morning metro, understand that you aren’t pulling on a project, in a team you are, of course, probably an important person, but not very noticeable. It makes no sense … although the work is interesting, it can be praised for it, you can develop. Why, I have everything. Lerka understood that she had to work so that it would not be empty and boring, and her mother pressed her every day with self-realization and independence. She likes work, but she's lazy.

Here is such a confusing story, a huge pile of contradictions, no one knows where to go, for what, and as a result - a stop in depression. There was also a fear that he would not be able to cope, but it was very, very necessary to do everything perfectly.

I decided not to do it perfectly, but how it would turn out. She signed up for courses, one and the second, forced herself to go to them, she really liked the courses, there was a little energy. Started on the warpath with ideality. She also became stricter with herself, made her move more around the house.

The state is not yet a fountain, but the main thing now is to hold on and move on.

****

If he only knew that this was possible in life, he would not have guessed about it. Until he collided, and disappeared, did not die, but disappeared in depression, there is no man, but why is he, who needs him?

It was agreed with my sister that he lives in the house, and she in the apartment with her parents, there is enough space for them, and it was my sister's desire to live with her parents. He was in favor. So they began to live happily, he is in the house, she is with her parents. He had a girlfriend, his sister was married. Everything went on as usual, he was finishing repairs. My sister got pregnant. And so, he is confronted with the fact that it would be nice for a sister, a child and a husband to live separately, so you and your girlfriend move to your parents, and your sister takes the house. (Legally, the house was not registered for him, he was going to, did not have time). So it was decided at the family council, without you.

He left his sister's house, went with his girlfriend to live in an apartment. I lay down and could not get up - depression. He did not cope with the betrayal of his loved ones, so he said, and how I will communicate with them now, I lost everyone.

Time and antidepressants helped a little, the girl could not be with him for a long time, but parting with her was not as painful as the loss of relatives. I communicated with them formally, barely holding back my anger, and eventually reduced communication to a minimum. He lives on, periodically falling into depression, did not come to terms with what happened, did not get angry, did not forgive. Stuck.