2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One of the most common mistakes in relationships is considering your mate as one. "We are two halves joined together." It sounds very romantic, but in fact, this idea often becomes an obstacle to creating healthy relationships in the family. One of the members of the couple, most susceptible to this idea, ceases to consider the interests of his partner. For him, the phrase "we are one whole" implies that this couple has only one head - his. "We are a couple, one whole - so my desires should become your desires." And if you have any desires and needs of your own, then you don’t love me, you don’t want to become one whole with me, you scoundrel, in general.
Plato in the dialogue "Feast" cites the myth of androgynes - bisexual creatures, which the gods divided into two halves, and now these halves are looking for each other. A happy couple is the halves that have found each other. I repeat - it sounds very romantic, but often such an idea is destructive for the couple itself, if at the same time rights are violated, needs are suppressed, the autonomy of one of the members of the couple is violated. He (or she) can temporarily give in, sacrifice his needs and desires for the sake of creating a family. But this patience, sacrifice - only for the time being, until a certain time. Then irritation, displeasure due to the fact that you have to sacrifice your own interests too much, accumulates and this displeasure spills out, up to the breakdown of relations.
In a healthy (or conditionally healthy) couple, there is both a moment of fusion and a moment of autonomy for each member of the couple. On the one hand, we pay a certain "marriage tax" on the fact that now, after I began to live not alone, but together with a loved one, I have to sacrifice something: my time, some interests, money … In return, I I get something more, which is more important than what I sacrifice. But this sacrifice must be proportionate, you cannot demand from your partner that he completely abandon himself and his interests for the sake of the interests of the couple. Moreover, as we can see, the interests of a couple are often replaced by the interests of one of the partners.
Each couple is looking for this balance for themselves on their own. What am I willing to sacrifice for the sake of our relationship, and what am I not ready? Should we spend all our free time together, or do we each have time for ourselves that our partner does not claim? How much time do each of us have? How do we solve the issue with joint finances, etc., etc.
Primary love (psychologists talk about primary idealization), when lovers cannot live without each other and strive to be together all the time, passes. Usually the state of primary idealization lasts no more than one year, maximum - two years. Then (often much earlier than a year) it is time to build relationships. Including their standing and from the point of view of merger-autonomy, the establishment of an optimal, suitable for both spatial and temporal distance with each other. Distances in the literal sense - how we are located ourselves and our things in our apartment, does everyone have the space that he needs and, at the same time, our joint space: whether it is a matrimonial bed, or a coffee table and armchairs on balconies, where the two of us drink coffee in the morning. We have already talked about the time distance - how we allocate our time for compatibility and our own separate interests.
To find this balance, you need to talk with each other, discuss emerging problems. Discuss calmly and immediately, without waiting for the problems and dissatisfaction with the partner to accumulate and an explosion occurs. If it doesn’t work well, seek help from a family therapist or family counselor. A professional look from the outside, knowledge of the laws of the functioning of the family will allow him to tell you what to do, to help build good relationships within the family, an important part of which is finding a balance between "I" and "we".
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