2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When a woman becomes a mother, it is not easy for her to return to the role that was before the birth of the child. To become a beloved woman, wife, mistress for her husband again. She finds herself in conflict with herself: how to remain attractive, desirable, interesting, but at the same time be a good mother. This article is about how to find your way back to yourself.
Other roles
With the birth of a child, the roles in the family change and the spouses become parents. It's not a secret for anyone that in the first years of a child's life, the mother is everything for him: food, satisfaction of needs for love and affection, an interesting pastime, knowledge of the world. Twenty-four hours a day she is with him, his beloved, only mother! It is very easy for a woman facing the role of a mother to fall into the trap: "if I am ALL for a child, then he must become and be ALL for me." This happens unconsciously and, perhaps, you read these lines and are surprised: "Well, of course I have to become everything, but how could it be otherwise?" It may be differently, but more on that later. The mother has no time for herself at all, she thinks only of the child. Such a woman builds her life around the child and only for the child, forgetting that her dear and beloved person is nearby, her husband, who more than ever needs her support, affection and love …
Sign of unhealthy relationships
We will forever remain mothers for our children, and when they were born, and when they go to kindergarten and school, and when they have their own children. They will forever remain children for us. Especially if the child is desired and long-awaited, it will be more difficult for a woman to be a woman again, and not just a mother. I know many mothers who say: "A child is everything to me!" And where is the husband, family relationships, intimate life lost in all this? Pushing all this into the background, surrendering completely and completely to motherhood, you unconsciously destroy your family. Yes, this is a paradox and a sign of unhealthy family relationships. It would seem that a wonderful mother who does everything for her child, invests all herself in his upbringing and development, is not a good wife for her husband. It's good when all this gets along in the family: both caring for the child and the warmth of the spouses to each other. But this is not the case in every family. Some women who are so "fixated" in the role of "mother" sometimes even stop noticing their spouse nearby … What will happen next in such a family, I think you can guess. If it will be able to function and exist at all.
Feelings of guilt
This feeling begins in the pregnancy of a woman and accompanies almost all of her motherhood (if not all). Thanks to him, a lot of mistakes are made, because Feelings of guilt in raising children are not always helpful. Very often, the aspiration of mothers to themselves, to their “I”, to their needs is replaced by this feeling: “How can I think about myself when my tiny baby is waiting for me at home, how can I even think about anything other than her! . Such thoughts from the very first days of a child's birth can trigger an unconscious process in the brain that you must spend as much time with children as possible. Community pressure that we are doing nothing (or doing anything wrong) for our children only heightens the sense of guilt. And getting rid of it when it has become as familiar as your own child is very difficult. Many parents are ready to give up everything in the name of their children. The paradox is that parents who are ready to crawl out of their skin so that their children do not have a shadow of doubt or irritation themselves suffer from this. Exhausted, angry parents in such a state cannot give their children anything good.
Parents, especially mothers, find it difficult to separate their own emotions from those of their children. They often consider children to be their continuation and refuse to recognize their individuality and independence. We already know what pain and disappointment, fear and betrayal are, so we strive to isolate our own children from all this at any cost. But our children need this kind of experience in order to grow and be able to cope with life's difficulties. When we are tormented by a sense of guilt and subordinate our whole life to a child, we forget that our children are different from us, they are different. We both lose our individuality, and do not notice the individuality of our own children.
About the love of the spouses
Some married couples believe that it is not right to show their feelings towards each other in front of a child. That this can pervert him, scare him away from subsequent relationships with the opposite sex, etc. These are all myths. On the contrary, the manifestation of the spouses' feelings for each other is not only pleasant, but also very beneficial for the child. He learns the correct model of relationships and the model of the family, in which there is love, openness, warmth. This teaches the child to express their feelings, to accept them. And the spouses, in turn, do not extinguish the flame of passion and love that was before the birth of the child.
Speaking of feelings, passion and love, one cannot but touch upon the topic of sexuality and the preservation of the femininity of a mother-woman, despite the birth of a child. Of course, the body changes after the birth of a child; a different attitude to one's own body, complexes may appear. This is where the support of your husband is needed, who, as before, loves you very much. Do not close yourself off from him, be physically responsive. Finding a path to your sexuality can be very difficult if all your areas of life are subordinated to raising children.
Return to yourself and your family
Do you think a happy woman can have a happy child and a happy family? Undoubtedly! A woman who finds time for herself in any situation, even in the situation of having a child, and who enjoys the pleasant little things that she does for herself, can be called happy. I agree that it is not easy to find time for yourself when you start living for another person, your child. A child to whom the mother devotes all her time runs the risk of growing up to be capricious, spoiled, and infantile. He, this child is the main one in the family and the whole world revolves around him. This is a model of dysfunctional relationships in the family, that is, unhealthy ones. In a family, parents should be the main ones. Father and mother. The child should be aware of this and respect it. And if in such a correct model of relationships you find time for your husband, for yourself, for your hobbies, the child will respect you for the time for himself. And the husband will be grateful for the time joyfully given to him. A happy woman is one who, despite motherhood, has remained true to herself and her husband, to her values. All in your hands!
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